The stars have aligned to make me....me!

My first experience with zodiac signs has to have been reading Seventeen magazine while drinking cherry and coke mixed Slurpee’s at the local 7-11. I remember standing near the cashier flipping straight to the back, fingers crossed that this would be the month that Billy would notice me. Spoiler alert…he never noticed me! But I went faithfully to confirm that was going to be the month that all my dreams would come true. It never really pin-pointed when all my dreams would come true…. but I am sure that at one point it must have said something to that effect. Right?

I am 40 now. According to the website Everything-birthday.com, I am 14,782 days, or 354,768 hours old. That seems old. Does that seem old to you? The only time that I look at my horoscope now is when I am sitting down at a Chinese restaurant and they have those red and white placemats with the signs of the year. I am a monkey. Monkey’s are cool. I rather be the dragon, but a monkey is a good second place.

At 40 years old, you don’t put a lot of stock into horoscopes- days are now defined by what you’re making for dinner, how much laundry you have piling up, or if your kid actually got on the school bus. Those are the things that define what kind of day that I am going to have, not the stars who are living a chill life just floating out there in space. Being all judgmental and crap....telling me that "Whatever it is can happen if you believe in yourself and work toward it. Don't let naysayers stop you. If you decide you can, you probably will." What does that even mean? This is my horoscope for today! It doesn't sound uplifting to me. Actually, I am beginning to doubt if I should even go into work today because it may not be a good day for me.

But I wanted to know if who the stars say that I am overall, is the person that I have turned out to be. I am pretty set in my ways now, so there is no changing who I have become...this is the true test of accuracy! I went to www.astolog-zodiac-signs.com to read all about me:

VIRGO WOMAN IN LOVE

When Virgo woman falls in love, she will probably get scared at first. If this happens outside of a relationship, she will probably be so shy that it will become impossible for her to start a relationship at all.

There is some truth to this…. I am not a big fan of failing in love. I am a big fan of security though! I love security. If I think that you are flighty, unstable, a dreamer…. we can be the best of friends. You are just not putting your toothbrush in my bathroom.

VIRGO WOMAN SEXUALITY

This is a sign where Venus falls, and this woman isn’t aware of her sensual nature and her sexuality…She will never discuss her sex life with other people and she will slowly get into the game of sex, only through emotional contact or by a clear decision of rational mind, never on an impulse.

Ok! Yup! There is some truth to this. Never kiss and tell as my mama always said. When I was young, dumb, and single- I enjoyed ‘sleep-overs’ with the opposite sex; however, I had my coffee pot scheduled to start brewing at 2a.m. and sitting next to it was to-go coffee cups with lids. You know what is sexy? Reading in bed. Now that is a good time! No fuss, no mess.

VIRGO WOMAN IN RELATIONSHIPS

She will clean your house, cook your lunch, take care of your children, carry your suitcases and fix everything in your life with ease, unless you stop her…Out of her need to help, she might make her partner feel incompetent or even stupid, and she really needs to be careful not to cross the line in criticizing or contempt.

My husband is nodding his head. Yup. This is me. You see, I am the one that will see something on the news, a Facebook post, or a Twitter tweet- and I am going to investigate. I am looking into it. I am going to find out the background, the current studies, the different point of views. I am going to research that crap until I am arguing with God if it was truthful in nature or not. Don’t blame me. I am a History major--- I know how to research! Heaven help you if you call off a statistic…. because I am going to look it up!

A pipe broke in the house? I am going to call plumbers and ask questions. I am going to Lowes and buying a Plumbers for Dummy’s book. I am going to watch every single YouTube video that has ever been posted on plumbing…and then I am going to call the plumber back and confirm what I just watched. It doesn’t matter to me that my husband could have fixed the pipe, I needed to make sure that it was being fixed correctly. Now, I am a good wife, and my husband takes forever to fix things….so he has no idea that I have become an expert in the time that it took him to peel himself away from the computer to fix the pipe himself. He just knows that I am standing above him with all the tools and parts waiting…like I am a plumber’s fairy god mother.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR VIRGO WOMAN

There is a reason why Virgo is a sign often described as a manic cleaner. This obsession with cleaning can be projected to all activities of a Virgo woman. She wants to clean the world of evil as much as she wants to clean her teeth or the bathtub.

I am the type of person who does not have a junk drawer in her kitchen because that is messy…and I don’t do messy. Why mop the floor and not clean the baseboards at the same time? That is like doing half the job- unacceptable.

We were once robbed when I was 7 years old- I remember the day because it was the first time that I remember my mother ever getting mad. They used her good pillow cases to take the VCR and jewelry. The pillow cases that she had just bought from JC Penny’s, the pretty Egyptian cotton one. I recall thinking that if they ever caught the robbers, my mother was going to whoop their asses for using the good pillow cases. What I remember most of all is that after the cops left, my mother spent 3 hours cleaning the house- top to bottom while belting out the words to Is There Life Out There by Reba McEntire. That day meant something to me- clean house equals stable house, and Reba is the cure to any life situation.

I am not sure how much stock that I put into the daily horoscopes, but I think the over all picture hit me dead on. I looked at the other signs, they all seem really playful and fun. My sign is like the perpetual tired parent who looks like she could really use a nap, but instead she is cleaning the bathrooms because in the next year someone might come over to have dinner.

Can I change my sign?