The Secret Life Of An Otaku

Since I was a little girl, I had always incessantly obsessed over manga and anime shows. Funnily enough it was the high school library and computer class where I would discover a whole new world.

Back then, it was considered by many, weird to be into anime or manga. Especially being a girl of African American descent. This guilty pleasure proved to be super embarrassing at times. Like when a fellow classmate would look over my shoulder to peek at my computer screen, or what I was reading and with wide judging eyes ask, "What is that?" Or those uncomfortable and awkward moments where I have to defend myself and insist that I am not indulging in porn or hentai because lets be honest, Japanese anime is often way too over sexualized, and the moaning, squealing, sensual characters can give the random passersby or bystander within earshot the wrong idea. (Try explaining Beastars to the random stranger).

Or how about trying to get other uptight adults to understand that anime is definitely not children's cartoons and are in no way innocent because any innocent child allowed to watch shows like Attack On Titan, Tokyo Ghoul, or Elfen Lied would be severely traumatized.

Looking back on those moments I can't help but laugh. But such is the life of an Otaku. Though I was never ashamed of being a lover of all things anime. In fact I lowkey judged anyone who thought it weird, disliked it or didn't understand what it was because how can you not like it? I proudly and indulgently splurged on anime merchandise and t-shirts of my favorite anime characters. (Honorable mention; L, I love you!)

When I was supposed to be doing schoolwork I would sneak on sites like, gogoanime, animelist44, cartoonnet and many different websites where I could stream anime for free. Then there was also the gaiaonline phase (that's a whole different story). I would just allow myself to get lost in a dramatic but entertaining world of interesting and in depth characters. Anime offered an escape from the otherwise bland life of normal. Added color where regular shows remained just that, regular.

Lets begin with the anime show that I obsessively watched nonstop. The one that first piqued my interest and ignited my love for anime, Princess Tutu.

Princess Tutu is a whimsical story about a duck who is transformed into a human and soon after, graceful ballerina Princess Tutu, to save the shattered heart of a storybook prince brought to life. I felt a deep connection to Ahiru, the name she was called when in her human form. The story draws inspiration from ballet and fairy tales like The Ugly Duckling, and Swan Lake. I was absolutely captivated by this vibrant and fantastical story.

The reason why I felt I could relate so closely with Ahiru's character was because she was an absolute klutz and super awkward when in human form just like me. And also like her, I was the one who as a little girl, aspired to be more, bigger than myself. I desired and often fantasized about playing the role of a beautiful strong heroine who instead of the prince saving the day, would save and eventually get the guy she loves. Girl power am I right?

Ahiru was originally an animal and was never human. However, even as a duck she grew to love the prince and when given the opportunity to save him, she rises to the occasion, eventually enlisting the help of a boy named Fakir who befriended her when she was a duck.

In the first few episodes, you may find yourself annoyed by her childish and seemingly naive character. (I know I was definitely annoyed). Her voice sounds like a 5 year old's and she has these long stick like legs that seem to trip her up all the time.

Ahiru is part of a ballet class as a human and she ironically sucks at ballet. She can never get the moves right, and despite her ability to turn into a graceful ballerina, I oftentimes found myself rooting for her character and hoping that she will finally discover new talent and blow away and impress her fellow classmates as her human self since, when in ballerina form, no one knew it was actually Ahiru.

What strengthened my innate desire for her to triumph, was her jealous rival, (eye roll) Rue, the beautiful, graceful, elegant dancer who always impressed the class and made Ahiru look like an idiot even though she definitely managed that all on her own. But just like Ahiru, she also had another identity as Princess Tutu's rival and evil counterpart, Princess Kraehe, who's job was to stop Princess Tutu from helping to restore the prince's heart out of fear of the prince not returning her love. She felt that he wouldn't love her if his heart was restored so she tried in every way to sabotage Princess Tutu.

I hated her, but what made me hate her character even more was that she wasn't the inherently evil character you would expect her to be and worst of all, she ultimately gets a happy ending. She reminded me of the popular girls in school who hogged all the boys attention, and in the show, she often received the spotlight and the prince's attention, not to mention she was disgustingly okay with being in love with the bland vegetable prince. Ew.

To be completely honest, I didn't like the prince, for even with a missing heart, he came across as a "simp" who allowed two girls to constantly risk their lives to save his. After all, the whole story revolved around him and the restoration of his heart. He wasn't the princely type to me either and was basically an emotionless vegetable throughout the majority of the show. It wasn't until, towards the end of the show, that he began to really develop a personality and even then, I still didn't like him. Maybe its due to the fact that I like aggressive, dominant male characters like, Naruto from Naruto, Luffy or Zoro from One Piece, or even Eren from Attack On Titan. Guys who know what they want and don't let anything stop them from achieving their dreams and goals not even the possibility or threat of death.

The story transforms and has a riveting play like performance that really captures the audience. The characters flesh out and develop in ways you don't expect and in the end teaches a lesson about the things we'd do for love, the fine line between free will and destiny, and defying fate. In the end, the rival ends up not being the enemy at all and gets the prince, and Ahiru goes back to being a duck. I personally wanted her love interest to be Fakir but at the end she gets no love story of her own, (she is my spirit animal) but overall, the anime was beautifully written and definitely plunged me into the world of being a huge anime fan.

Anime appeals to all kinds of people. With so many different genres it inspires the fantasies that we don't care to reveal or admit. For me it offered an oasis in the desert of a troubling childhood and almost nonexistent high school life. I struggled so much identifying with self and learning how to love and accept my own person. Anime inspired me to be proudly and unapologetically different. Unique. Not to mention it offered an escape from normal reality.

I was never faced with hardships at being an Otaku. I adopted the term with pride and found that in doing so I inspired the people around me. It inspired my classmates (everyone knew about Naruto and many were Dragon Ball Z fans) and encouraged them to be more open with the things other kids and adults might find weird or strange. It inspired my siblings and even my younger brother is now a huge anime fan himself.

This brings up feelings of nostalgia and brings me back to the days when I would have to act out the voice actors and read the subtitles of Naruto out loud so that my kid brother, who couldn't read as clear and fast as I could at the time, would be able to understand what was going on even though at his age its no possible way he could even begin to understand Naruto. And ironically, I only did this so that he wouldn't cry and beg my parents to force me to put on Wow! Wow! Wubbzy for him.

Discovering anime changed my life. I feel as though without it, my personality would have been majorly lacking in depth and charm. Now its trendy and cool to be into anime, what do you know? And I hope that my love for being an Otaku would inspire others to embrace their differences and what makes them unique, embrace their guilty pleasures and indulge their fantasies a little even if that involves buying a giant body pillow with their favorite anime character on the front to hold and cuddle with at night... Guilty.