The Greater Good

“Didn’t your grandfather hurdle an asteroid at this planet?” Squirt asked as soon as the spaceship emerged from the worm-hole.

“My great-grandfather.” The Captain corrected him. “That was few million years ago now.”

“What happened?”

“Well, it didn’t damn well work. Got the dates wrong.”

“How so?”

“Well, we reckoned that these anthropoids would be upright, had created weapons and were gonna use them on other planets.” The Captain smiled out the porthole. Hundreds, thousands, millions of asteroids tumbled around the ship.

“And?”

“We were off with the dates. Destroyed them dinosaurs, as the humans call ‘em, instead. Damn shame. Sure enough, not long afterwards them pesky little human creatures sprung up outta nowhere. Like damn spagrats from a leaking starship. Humanoids evolved the worst habits overnight and there they are-with all their damn weapons and spaceships.”

“But what’s the big deal?”

“Really? Didn’t ya read the report before we left?”

“No, I didn’t get a chance.” Squirt said, holding the ship as steady as he could.

“Well, them dirty critters will kill us all if they get weapons beyond their solar system. The whole damn galaxy is at risk. They killed half the animals on their planet, ate the other half and now looking to infest out, move to other worlds. All they do is eat and kill so we gotta stop ‘em in their tracks.”

“Are they that bad?”

“Didn’t you even go to school? Humans? Dangerous Aliens 101!” Squirt fidgeted in his oversized co-pilot chair, ashamed by his lack of education on the matter. An asteroid bounced off the protective shell of the spacecraft with a heavy thud. The Captain didn’t blink. Squirt’s grip tightened around the joystick.

“I didn’t take Alien Life Form studies. It was an elective.”

“How on Klugel did you get this assignment? Ah. Never mind, let’s just get the darn thing over with.”

He powered on the bank of computers in front of him. Screens flickered to life. Amongst the ever-moving asteroids, neatly mapped upon the monitors, one digital rock pulsated brightly, and a delicate line stretched across the pixels to where a diagram of their spaceship, accurately rendered, hung in space, waiting. On the corner of the monitor, The Captain’s wife had stuck a note-‘I love you’. He stroked the inscription.

“So what’s the plan?” Asked Squirt, bringing The Captain back from his thoughts of his wife, children and his home planet, his safe, warm peaceful, world.

“Destroy the damn creatures on that satellite. Third one from their Sol. Simple as that.” The Captain pointed to a blue spot on the monitor. The fleck, now emerging with finer details of blue and white patches of ocean and clouds, rotated around a brilliant yellow orb. A tiny blue dot against the sea of digital blackness on its 365-day elliptical passage.

“What is it called? What is this world called again?”

“PL2749.”

“No, what do they call it? The humans?”

“Earth.”

“Why in Klugel’s name would they call it that? It is all water. Why isn’t it called Planet Ocean?”

“I’m sure the smart animals that live in the water call it that.”

Lights flashed, flagging the approaching, tagged, massive chunk of metal and stone. Squirt thought about the creatures, swimming and chatting happily on Planet Ocean. Tears bloomed to the surface of his eye, the cockpit grew blurry as the warm liquid held tight between his eyelashes.

“But aren’t we going to kill all the intelligent creatures on the planet too?”

“Nah, most are being lifted off. Right now in fact. Not many left there anyways-most killed off by them Earthlings.” An audible sigh came from Squirt’s mouths and he blinked, the shed tears evaporated as they floated off his face.

“So how does this work?” His tentacle passing across a panel of flashing lights, knobs and sliders.

“We target the asteroid, go sailing into it at the right time and angle to shove the little sucker into a collision course with the planet. Once the rock hits the planet, well, mass extinction is inevitable. Easy, simple and very damn effective.”

“Sailing into it? Sailing? Into it? You mean crash into it. Explode on impact and for us to die type sailing?”

“What in Befarthin’s name did you think we were doing all the way out here? Of course we are gonna die. You did understand the agreement, right? The bit where it states Death on Impact.”

“I just skimmed. Thought it was all standard. Destroy a world. Go home. Get paid.”

“For the love of Klugel!”

The asteroid, all cratered surface and glittering in the darkness, could now be seen clearly getting bigger and brighter as every minute passed. Squirt bit his lips.

“Can’t we just blast it? Shoot the asteroid? What about blowing up PL2749? Boom! Take them out.”

“That’s exactly what them nasty critters would do. Ya can’t have everyone blow’n up stuff just ‘cause they don’t like it. It ain’t right. Don’t like a comet? Blow it up! Don’t want an animal? Kill it! Don’t like that planet? Blow that up too! Their talk'n about exploding bombs on other worlds too, ya know. To get life started! Idiots!” Thick green veins now protruded from The Captain’s sweaty temple. Spittle flew in zero gravity. He took thick breaths, unsuccessfully attempting to slow his heart rate. All three pounded loudly in unison.

“Well, no more! We’ll put an end to ‘em right here and right now!” He boomed in glory of a job well done, of making a difference, of being a hero to his wife and children.

“Yes!” Squirt cheered. “Yes!”

The Captain leaned across the console, snapping switches. The asteroid filled the cockpit window, its shadow lurched over them, plunging the ship into darkness. Squirt turned to The Captain, their faces lit from the glowing console, and together they smiled at their fate, two beings set against the tide of ignorance and stupidity, two creatures together against a billion humans fueled by hunger and greed, two astronauts, now friends, sacrificing themselves for the greater good.

“Any last words for your loved ones?” Asked The Captain, seconds from impact, as he heaved the control stick forward, the deafening roar of a final blast of igniting fuel, pushing the ship, and the two heroes, onwards to their final, perfect, destination.

“Yep." Said Squirt. "Read the fine print.”

They both burst out laughing.