Ruthless Cow

EXT. THE EDEN PROJECT, CORNWALL – AFTERNOON

Thin seafood mechanic MR MATHIAS COX is arguing with heavy-set hardcore raver KATHY SMART. MATHIAS tries to hug KATHY but she shakes him off.

MATHIAS

Please Kathy, don’t leave me.

KATHY

I’m sorry Mathias, but I’m looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

MATHIAS

I’m such a person!

KATHY

I’m sorry Mathias. I just don’t feel excited by this relationship anymore.

KATHY leaves.

MATHIAS sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, energetic personal puppy chef MS BAD GOODMANNERS barges in looking flustered.

MATHIAS

Goodness, Bad! Is everything okay?

BAD

I’m afraid not.

MATHIAS

What is it? Don’t keep me in suspense…

BAD

It’s…a cow… I saw an evil cow rob a bunch of Olympic divers!

MATHIAS

Defenceless divers?

BAD

Yes, defenceless Olympic divers!

MATHIAS

Bloomin’ heck, Bad! We’ve got to do something.

BAD

I agree, but I wouldn’t know where to start.

MATHIAS

You can start by telling me where this happened.

BAD

I was…

BAD fans herself and begins to wheeze.

MATHIAS

Focus Bad, focus! Where did it happen?

BAD

Central Park, New York! That’s right – Central Park, New York!

MATHIAS springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD – CONTINUOUS

MATHIAS rushes along the street, followed by BAD. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK – SHORTLY AFTER

ELLIE PHANT a ruthless cow terrorises two Olympic gold medallist divers.

MATHIAS, closely followed by BAD, rushes towards ELLIE, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

BAD

What is it? What’s the matter?

MATHIAS

That’s not just any old cow, that’s Ellie Phant!

BAD

Who’s Ellie Phant?

MATHIAS

Who’s Ellie Phant? Who’s Ellie Phant? Only the most ruthless cow in the universe!

BAD

Blinkin’ knickers, Mathias! We’re going to need some help if we’re going to stop the most ruthless cow in the universe!

MATHIAS

You can say that again.

BAD

Blinkin’ knickers, Mathias! We’re going to need some help if we’re going to stop the most ruthless cow in the universe!

MATHIAS

I’m going to need butter knives. Lot’s of butter knives.

ELLIE turns to see MATHIAS and BAD. He grins an evil grin.

ELLIE

Mathias Cox, we meet again.

BAD

You’ve met?

MATHIAS

Yes. It was a long, long time ago…

EXT. A PARK – BACK IN TIME

A young MATHIAS is sitting in a park listening to some opera music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees ELLIE. He takes off his headphones.

ELLIE

Would you like some jelly babies?

MATHIAS’s eyes light up, but then he studies ELLIE more closely, and looks uneasy.

MATHIAS

I don’t know, you look kind of ruthless.

ELLIE

Me? No. I’m not ruthless. I’m the least ruthless cow in the world.

MATHIAS

Wait, you’re a cow?

MATHIAS runs away, screaming.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK – PRESENT DAY

ELLIE

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

BAD

(To Mathias)

You ran away?

MATHIAS

(To Bad)

I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

MATHIAS turns to ELLIE.

MATHIAS

I may have run away from you then, but I won’t run away this time!

MATHIAS runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

MATHIAS

I mean, I am running away, but I’ll be back – with butter knives.

ELLIE

I’m not scared of you.

MATHIAS

You should be.

EXT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES – LATER THAT DAY

MATHIAS and BAD walk around searching for something.

MATHIAS

I feel sure I left my butter knives somewhere for something.

BAD

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly butter knives.

MATHIAS

You know nothing Bad Goodmanners.

BAD

We’ve been searching for ages. I really don’t think they’re here.

Suddenly, ELLIE appears, holding a pair of butter knives.

ELLIE

Looking for something?

BAD

Crikey, Mathias, he’s got your butter knives.

MATHIAS

Tell me something I don’t already know!

BAD

The Earth’s circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

MATHIAS

I know that already!

BAD

I pick my nose and eat it.

ELLIE

(Appalled)

Dude!

While ELLIE is looking at BAD with disgust, MATHIAS lunges forward and grabs his deadly butter knives. He wields them triumphantly.

MATHIAS

Prepare to die, you ruthless potato!

ELLIE

No please! All I did was rob a bunch of fit, aesthetically symmetrical divers!

KATHY enters, unseen by any of the others.

MATHIAS

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those divers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender – and that’s me! Mathias Cox, defender of innocent divers.

ELLIE

Don’t hurt me! Please!

MATHIAS

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use these butter knives on you right away!

ELLIE

Because Mathias, I am your father.

MATHIAS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

MATHIAS

No you’re not!

ELLIE

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

ELLIE tries to grab the butter knives but MATHIAS dodges out of the way.

MATHIAS

Who’s the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, ELLIE slumps to the ground.

BAD

Did he just faint?

MATHIAS

I think so. Well that’s disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly butter knives.

MATHIAS crouches over ELLIE’s body.

KATHY

Be careful, Mathias. It could be a trick.

MATHIAS

No, it’s not a trick. It appears that… it would seem… Ellie Phant is dead!

KATHY

What?

MATHIAS

Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

BAD claps her hands

BAD

So your butter knives did save the day, after all.

KATHY steps forward.

KATHY

Is it true? Did you kill the ruthless cow?

MATHIAS

Kathy how long have you been…?

KATHY puts her arms around MATHIAS.

KATHY

Long enough.

MATHIAS

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Ellie Phant.

KATHY

Then the divers are safe?

MATHIAS

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable divers enter, looking relieved.

KATHY

You are their hero.

The divers bow to MATHIAS.

MATHIAS

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Ellie Phant will never rob divers ever again, is enough for me.

KATHY

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the divers passes KATHY a mystical Hymnal.

KATHY

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

MATHIAS

I couldn’t possibly.

Pause.

MATHIAS

Well, if you insist.

MATHIAS takes the Hymnal.

MATHIAS

(To the divers)

Thank you.

The divers bow their heads once more, and leave.

MATHIAS turns to KATHY.

MATHIAS

Does this mean you want me back?

KATHY

Oh, Mathias, of course I want you back!

MATHIAS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

MATHIAS

Well you can’t have me.

KATHY

WHAT?

MATHIAS

You had no faith in me. You had to see me scare a cow to death before you would believe in me. I don’t want a lover like that.

KATHY

But…

MATHIAS

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin – my best friend, Bad.

BAD grins.

KATHY

But…

BAD

You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

KATHY

Mathias?

MATHIAS

I’m sorry Kathy, but I think you should skidaddle.

KATHY leaves.

BAD turns to MATHIAS.

BAD

Did you mean that? You know… that I’m your best friend?

MATHIAS

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly BAD stops.

BAD

When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the cow don’t you?

THE END