Requiem

Awareness. Up from back. Voiceless thoughts. Primordial. Proprioceptive. Overwhelming white blur. Small green blur. Churning stomach. Hunger? No. Nausea. Mouth exit. Unpleasant, but relieving. Tingly feeling. Repose again. Restful black.

____________________________________________________

Where am I? What is that smell?

Getting up is... “Fatiguing”? No, there’s a simpler word. Can’t remember.

That’s a sickness pile next to me. There’s a simpler word for that too. So frustrating.

I remember being sick. Am I still sick? I don’t think so. I actually feel um… Empty. Is there anything to eat here?

Where is here? Can’t remember. Can’t think. Eat first.

What is that pile of green? Is it eat-able? Let’s check it out.

Nope! Legs are too weak. Let’s sit down again. What am I sitting on anyway? Oh, it’s a sleep-mat. Yeah, yeah, I know. Let’s just call it a “sleep-mat” and be done with it.

…

……

Uh…

So, now what?

…

…...

“AHHHH!”

The wall just opened! Also, ow! My throat. I guess I haven’t noised in a while.

Something’s coming through the wall. Its form is familiar - but also intimidating. It’s covered in protection clothes.

It carries a small, black notebook.

It regards me.

Should I greet it?

It still regards me.

I should greet it.

“Huuu!”

Nope. I need to learn how to noise words again. So much to be done.

It noises.

“TheoIsItNormalForSubjectsToLoseTheAbilityToSpeak?”

I think those are words, but they mean nothing to me.

Something else noises in response. The responder has no form, but is still imposing - numinous.

“ThereIsNoNormalWhenDealingWithThe...FirstSubject.”

Wait, why do I remember “numinous,” but not “sleep-mat”?

“ButWeKnewThereCouldBeSomeNeurologicalConsequences.”

The Wall-Creature noises.

“WillTheyBePermanent?”

The responder noises once more.

“HeDoesn’tDeserveYourConcernJustNoteItAndLeave.”

The Wall-Creature scribbles in its notebook and cleans the sickness pile. That’s good.

It regards me again.

Why?

It noises more.

“IKnowYouMustBeScaredButYou’llBeAllBetterSoon.”

Maybe it’s asking where the sickness pile came from.

I point to my stomach.

“AreYouHungry?”

It’s still noising at me. I’ll just point to my stomach again.

It leaves, but the wall stays open.

It returns with a basket of cooked flour.

“SomeBreadShouldSettleYourStomach.”

Your noises mean nothing to me, but thank you for the cooked flour, Wall-Creature.

It puts the basket on my sleep-mat.

Eat time!

____________________________________________________

Day 2 (I think - there’s no sun here. I just woke up, though, so close enough).

I feel better today.

My legs will hold me today.

Time to explore!

Now then, let’s look around. Pile of green, same place as yesterday. Still wondering if it’s eat-able. Will have to check it out. What else? Oh, nice - there’s a waste-bowl in the corner. I’ll use that for sickness piles, et cetera. Anything el--

Whoa! I didn’t know that was there! I thought the sleep-mat was against another white wall. It’s not. It’s a shiny, shiny silver wall. There’s a creature in it. I regard it. It regards me. I should greet it.

“Huuu!”

Nope.

“Haaa!”

Closer. Third time’s a jarm.

“Haaa-eee!”

I guess it wasn’t a jarm. But I’m almost there.

“Hi!”

That’s it! I just jarmed this creature big time! Big time!

Let’s do it again.

“Hi!”

Exhilarating! But dial it back. Play it cool. Let’s just shoot the creature a wave.

It waves as I wave. Copycat.

Wait. I’m being very unsmart right now. I remember this sort of thing. Shiny, shiny silver walls are special. That’s not just a creature. It’s a me. It’s not the me, though. The me has hair. This me has no hair. Can there be more mes than the me? I don’t think so. But then...

No! I don’t feel any hair on my head. I’m just touching smooth non-hair. What happened to my hair? And where am I? How’d I get--

The wall opens. Wall-Creature enters.

“HowAreWeToday?”

I breathe faster. Moisture streams down from my eyes. There’s a word for this, but all I can think about is a melody: Lacrimosa dies illa.

I slump down.

Wall-Creature noises.

“IThinkSomething’sWrongTheo.”

The numinous one noises back.

“JustLeaveINeedToCalmHimAndYourSuitWillBlockTheCurrents.”

Wall-Creature leaves. The wall closes.

The shiny, shiny silver wall turns white. The other me vanishes, but I’m still here. Something tingles me. The melody and the moisture stop. My shoulders drop. My throat untightens. My non-hair is actually nice to pet. That’s good.

Back to my feet.

Let’s check out the pile of green. I’m empty and want to eat.

I’m still tingly, but can move.

It’s just a bunch of stacked green sheets. Are they eat-able? Let’s smell.

I recognize this smell. It makes me feel both safe and excited. But also something else. Scared? I’m not sure.

“He’sFinallyInteractingWithTheMoneyIt'sAboutTi...IsTheMicStill--”

More numinous noises I can’t understand.

There’s a familiar face on the sheets. It reminds me of kites and lightning. Hey, that would be a great band name: Kites and Lightning. If only I could find a band to name. What do bands look like again? I think they’re circular.

I don’t think the face-sheets are eat-able. I’ll find something else to do with them.

____________________________________________________

Finished! Face-sheets sorted! It took all day (I think). Now, let’s review. Each face-sheet-pile has as many sheets as I have fingers (just hand fingers, not foot fingers). And I have a total of piles equal to all fingers (including foot fingers). So how many face-sheets do I have? Who’s to say - but at least it’s organized.

Now that everything’s in order, maybe the Wall-Creature will bring me something eat-able. Or maybe I’ll get the shiny, shiny silver wall back and I’ll see the other me. I’m just feeling very solo.

____________________________________________________

Bored…

____________________________________________________

The wall’s opening! Wall-Creature sets an eating basket on my sleep-mat. Thanks, Wall-Creature!

It regards me, scribbles in its notebook, and turns away.

Wait! Wall-Creature, don’t leave! Let me show you what I’ve learned!

“Hi!”

Wall-Creature noises a response to me.

“You’reTeachingYourselfToSpeakAgain…”

Well, Wall-Creature, now that I’ve got your attention, let me show you my face-sheet-piles.

Wall-Creature regards the piles. I think it’s pretty impressed.

Wall-Creature noises very loudly now.

“TheoAreYouThere?!”

Based on that loudness, I’d say Wall-Creature is pretty excited about these piles.

It waits for something. Nothing happens. It noises more.

“ICan’tDoThisAnymore…”

Wall-Creature hugs me. It covers my head with its arms. Is it normal to hug someone around the head? It speaks again.

“I’m going to get you out of here.”

“Where am I?”

Wait a second. I just spoke… And I know the word “spoke.” What’s going on?

“I can’t explain now. Theo will be back soon.”

“Theo? Is he the other voice? Why do I suddenly understand you?”

“I’m so sorry.”

Wall-Creature lets me go. My thoughts become fogged again.

Wall-Creature heads to the open wall. No! Wait!

“Hi!”

Wall-Creature turns back.

“I’llBeBackTomorrow.”

I don’t understand you. Please, don’t leave me.

“Hi! Hi! Hi!”

It leaves me. The wall closes. I slump to the floor.

The moisture and its melody come back.

Lacrimosa dies illa.

____________________________________________________

I miss sunlight. And I miss Wall-Creature. The shiny, shiny silver wall is back, but I’m tired of the other me. I’m so solo.

____________________________________________________

With every lick, my tongue feels more and more papery. It’s good this is the last one. Let’s see if it works. It did! I had just enough tongue-juice to stick all the face-sheets to the wall. Now I have a face-sheet-family and I’ll never be solo again.

“Hi!”

…

……

They don’t respond. I don’t know what I was expecting. I do feel better, though. Less solo. Or maybe just less bored.

The wall opens.

Wall-Creature’s back!

“Hi!”

“TheoYouThere?!”

Nothing happens for a moment. Wall-Creature takes some material out of a pocket in the back of its notebook. It’s the same material as its protection clothes.

“Here!”

Wall-Creature wraps the material around my head.

“Do you understand me?”

I do!

“Yes.”

“Do you know who you are?”

I only have bits and pieces.

“Not really.”

Wall-Creature looks down.

“I’m sorry. I--”

Wall-Creature is a woman. I can tell by her voice.

“Who are you?”

“Me? Oh. I’m Hannah.”

“Nice to meet you, Hannah.”

I extend my hand to Wall-Cre… Hannah.

She takes it.

“I’m sorry, we don’t have much time. Let’s put your shield away. Tomorrow, we’ll--”

“My shield?”

“The copper around your head. It blocks the electricity.”

“What electricity?"

“I’m sorry. There’s no time.”

She grabs the copper around my head. I grab her wrists.

“No. Please. I can’t go back to that… Madness. Take me with you.”

“I can’t. You’re chipped. I’m--”

The mirror behind my bed turns into a window.

There stands who I presume is Theo. He’s in a lab coat and, while not handsome, he’s meticulously well-groomed. His is the imposing, numinous voice.

“Did you really think I’d leave you with him unattended? I’d hoped yesterday’s deviation from protocol would have been a singular misstep. It’s time we had a chat. All three of us.”

____________________________________________________

Theo examines me in his office as he leafs through Hannah’s notebook. This side of the mirror is nice. Well-appointed. Frustratingly well-appointed.

“Who are you?”

I can barely pay attention to Theo. Hannah sits in the corner, in regular clothes. She’s radiant, despite her quiet sobbing. Or perhaps because of it. I think her tears are for me. And who am I?

“I don’t know who I am.”

Theo flashes too many teeth as he produces an over-rehearsed smile.

“Good, we don’t need to start over.”

Hannah chimes in.

“Theo, please--”

“Enough! Enough of your nonsense!”

Theo tosses Hannah’s notebook to the ground.

“He agreed to this!”

Theo penetrates my eyes with his.

“You agreed to this!”

I’m more lost now with my faculties restored than I ever was with the “face-sheets.”

“I never agreed!”

Hannah gets to her feet.

“Theo--”

Theo seizes a black notebook identical to Hannah’s from his desk and retrieves a diminutive remote control from its back pocket.

“Sit down, or I’ll switch his chip on!”

Hannah sits.

He puts the control back and stares at me.

“You, sir, are a criminal. Do you remember?”

No! I’m a good person.

“I’m no criminal!”

Theo chuckles giddily - pridefully.

“Of course you don’t remember. That’s rather the point of this therapy.”

Therapy?

He senses my confusion.

“Your greed was dangerous. Unlawful. But why spend years being broken down in a prison when you could spend days with me and be restored? This was your best option.”

A single syllable escapes me.

“No.”

“Yes. You understood. You agreed. And so I will change your nature. Purge your greed. Fix you!”

I cry, mourning the self I’ve mostly forgotten.

Theo strokes my cheek. I hate him.

“It’s okay. When I’m done, you’ll be perfected. Like I was.”

Like him?

“Like you?”

“Well, yes. I wasn’t always Theo. All I know of my prior self is that he saw the need to have a renascence. He devised this system, and I was born. And I’m grateful for it. You will be too.”

His eyes turn from me to Hannah.

“As will you, Hannah.”

Hannah levies an astonished gaze against him.

“We must have trust for this operation to work. I’ll make you trustworthy.”

Hannah stands again.

“I’d rather die than--”

“What you want is irrelevant! Theo’s… I’m in charge here! You’ll comply, or I electrocute him.”

Theo brandishes his notebook.

Hannah drops her head into her hands. I think she might sacrifice herself for me. I won’t let her.

“So what’ll it--”

Before Theo can finish, I bite him in the neck. I despise the taste of blood. He drops the book and writhes on the ground.

Hannah rushes over, grabs me with one hand, notebook with the other, and leads us out of the room.

We run down a hall.

She ushers me out a door.

____________________________________________________

Sunlight! I’ve missed sunlight!

I can’t help but smile at Hannah. She smiles back.

“Come on.”

I can’t follow.

She rifles through the black notebook.

Numb.

She gasps. Removes copper.

“Not Theo’s...”

Burning pins and needles.

Can’t think.

See sunlight.

See Hannah.

Interminable black.

Hear the melody end.

Dona eis requiem.

Amen.