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My Predictions For Twitter Because F**k It

Elon has no idea either, so why can't I just throw caution to the wind.

By Conor MatthewsPublished 2 years ago 3 min read
My Predictions For Twitter Because F**k It
Photo by Sunny Haccan on Unsplash

Elon has no idea either, so why can't I just throw caution to the wind.

Some of these are serious guesses, but others are shitpost points for the sake of it. No, I will not be stating which is which.

To make things fun, I am due-dates. If they happen after the fact, I don't get bragging rights.

Within the remainder of the year (2022)

  • Elon begins vocally announcing he's looking for a new buyer to dump Twitter on. Mentions the Saudis, Kanye West, Mark Zuckerberg, Trump, Bezos, 9gag.
  • Twitter turns itself off between certain hours (9pm - 9 am, weekends, public holidays, Musk's birthday).
  • Twitter sends a "Verifying you're human within X hours are you're deleted" notifications.
  • Daily tweet limits introduced (unless you pay $8). Something like 5 daily tweets. Retweets and replies could as two.
  • Elon says "Merry Christmas", expects people to be offended, no one is, makes a big deal about it.
  • Another round of layoffs, a days before Christmas.
  • Employees start leaking info in protest; recordings of meeting, tweeting their encounters with Musk in the office, at least three accusations of cringe, with at least one being an attempt at a joke about someone's sex, race, or name ("Your boyfriend's name is Richard? Ha, get it… 'cause you love Dick… 'cause you're gay… it's funny… no, it's funny, you're just being a Mary).
  • Twitter just goes full paywall with no warning (my guess, 00:00 01/01/23 on the dot).
  • $8 Verification remains, but a SUPER verification is introduced at $100 a month; features include promoting your tweet onto everyone's timeline, you get a personal contact at Twitter and bi-monthly invitation to shareholder meetings, and can delete the tweets of people who follow you that you don't like.
  • Within the next year (2023)

  • Elon is found suspiciously dead, shot numerous times, in a locked room. It's ruled a suicide.
  • Elon demands the US bails out Twitter, threatens to sell it specifically to Russians/Iranians/Chinese/Saudi/North Korean officials.
  • Accusations of harassment/discrimination become more serious, with out of court settlements.
  • Mass walk-outs.
  • Twitter announces point reward system. Tweet hourly, get engagement, and get retweeted to gain Twitter Bucks (called Twigs ("get it, because birds build their nest with twigs" (okay, that's somewhat clever)).
  • Vine is relaunched. It's flooded with Tiktoks just like Youtube Shorts were. Twitter starts banning videos with the Tiktok logo. 6 months later Vine is killed off due to lack of engagement.
  • Twitter introduces "reset" feature; where all timeline's are wiped clean after a number of months/years. Marketed as the "anti-cancelling" feature. Proves popular. Stock goes up.
  • Twitter tries to break further into China, agrees to giving over data of global users.
  • A conspiracy Elon promoted becomes involved in a lone wolf shooting.
  • Twitter focuses on long-form live streaming features. Actually works out pretty well, called "The Tiktok of Live Streaming". Twitter stock goes up. Elon acts like it's was his idea.
  • Google considers buying Twitter but pulls out.
  • Twitter becomes preinstalled in all Tesla Cars.
  • At least one employee punches Elon in the face out of frustration.
  • Twitter is scrutinised by a US committee hearing. Elon is asked to appear. He makes Robot Zuckerberg look charming and human.
  • Elon physically assaults Jack at a party out of frustration. Jack just lays there and takes it for some reason.
  • 2024 Onwards

  • The third Adpocalypse happens, this time due largely to falling engagement on platforms like Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. Massive purge of anything controversial. Anti-cancelling feature now delete tweets after a 24 hours.
  • The last Elon fan finally gives up and just admits he's just some guy who bought his way into being a billionaire.
  • Twitter rebrands to Tw1tr, just for for the giggles. He has a really weird sense of humour.
  • Twitter buys Snapchat and merges the two. Eh, it goes so-so.
  • Twitter folds by 2025, outlasting Facebook by two years. Elon (if he's still alive) talks fondly of his Twitter day from his Mars capsule.

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About the Creator

Conor Matthews

Writer. Opinions are my own. https://ko-fi.com/conormatthews

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