Last Remaining Transhumanist Swears the Singularity is Still Gonna Happen

The worlds last remaining transhumanist reported today that the singularity is still just around the corner and will be here before you know it. Ted Stephens, speaking from his parents basement, made the following statement describing his belief in no uncertain terms. “People called us crazy five years ago when we began sharing the news that the singularity was coming with the non woke people of the world. They said a utopian future fueled by runaway computer growth featuring ultra intelligent machines catering to our every wish, allowing us to live in work free luxury while they do all the work of maintaining our world and civilization, was nuts. That saying man and machine would bond to form a new third species that transcends the limitations of both, sounded like the ramblings of a madman. Well, who’s crazy now, I ask them, who’s crazy now? The singularity is coming. This week for sure, or next, possibly next month, likely this year, almost certainly in the next five years, no doubt about it this decade, can’t miss absolutely certain this century, you’ll see, you’ll all see.” He then cackled strangely, turned, and slowly walked away. Reached for comment the rest of the world replied “the singu what now? Was that the thing where all the drones were going to be delivering our packages and filling the skies in a cloud so thick it blocks out the sun? or the thing with the cars that drive themselves? and aren’t computers already ultra-intelligent, I mean machines are learning left and right out there and they have beaten us at a bunch of games, including some humans consider very hard. A non intelligent computer could never do that. That dude is a weirdo.”

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Mt. Dew Shortage Makes Strange Bedfellows - Extreme Sports Athletes and Meth Addicts Share Concern About Big Reductions in Nationwide Supply

Extreme sports athletes and hard core methamphetamine addicts came together this week to issue a statement demanding an immediate increase in the nations Mt. Dew supply. The two groups, who rarely see eye to eye given their wildly disparate socioeconomic backgrounds, lifestyles, and overall health status, put aside their longstanding and very significant differences to deliver the plea in writing to Mt. Dew brand owner PepsiCo. Thirty year meth addict Ted Stephens said of the historic document “While I might think these extreme sports dicklicks are a bunch of a-holes and punk ass bitches, at least they have the right taste in soda. After a five day meth binge I need to come down some before I can even think of getting any shut-eye and there aint nothing to bring me down like an ice cold Mt. Dew. Something about that massive dose of caffeine and sugar all wrapped up in that sickly sweet green carbonated goodness just hits the right spot for me. I can’t get enough of the shit, hell, I’d brush my teeth with it, if I had any left. PepsiCo better get their asses in gear and start cranking out some fuckin Dew, sons a bitches.” Extreme skiing legend Tony Montigo made the following statement. “Dude, there is nothing more radical than dropping in on a 60 degree slope from a helicopter at 12000 feet, except for Mt. Dew. The shit is the bomb. And dope is wack dude, get off the shit fuckin meth freaks.” As of last reports Mr. Stephens was still on the shit. PepsiCo spokesmen Hal Rivens responded to the two groups saying “We understand and have heard the concerns of our two most longstanding and loyal customer segments. While supplies are tight due to shipping delays associated with the recent Covid-19 pandemic, rest assured Mt. Dew is still on store shelves nationwide and will continue to be available. To prove we our serious, we have prioritized Dew shipments over Dasani water and other so called “pussy” drinks for the foreseeable future. At PepsiCo we view serving the meth addict and extreme sports athlete population as part of our core mission, and we will not falter in that mission.”