Keeth and the Last Hoorah

Abbey sat up, absentmindedly rubbing her right eye, casting her left about the room before bringing both eyes back to focus on her peculiar visitor. “Who are you?”, she asked blearily, dislodging a crusty bit of sleep with her fingertip.

She wasn’t afraid, and he seemed to expect as much. He’d woken her and stood idly aside inspecting his fingernails while she roused.

Were they on a public street in daylight she would have first noticed his stringently white, too-perfect teeth. But in the murky nightlight glow of her room, it was his sequined blazer and satin pants that stood out. Even his shoes were glitzy.

“Keeth, darling. Rhymes with teeth and spelled the same. Tooth Fairy Extraordinaire, at your service,” he said, sounding rather more formal than his casual stance suggested. He leaned against the wall, one leg cocked afront the other, and stuck a toothpick in his mouth, grinning. They both stared a long while, each waiting for the other to speak.

Finally, Abbey stirred. “I thought the tooth fairy was a girl,” she said with a heavy lisp. Keeth could see where her tooth had been, that tiny bit of her gums still pink and raw.

Keeth’s grin evaporated. He frowned at the floor, shaking his head. “And the tooth fairy is the size of a mouse, with dragonfly wings, all Tinkerbell and fairy dust,” he whined. She watched the toothpick bob as he spoke. He rolled his eyes toward the ceiling, gesturing in frustration, “Why does that myth persist! Santa doesn’t have to be a sprite and he can get down chimneys, but the tooth fairy…..oh, just elfin!”, he said in disdain. Then locking his eyes on her, “And the myth can’t die, because you lot are always asleep when we visit.” He gave a heavy sigh and slumped his shoulders.

Abbey sat, rumpled, unmoving.

Noting his audience’s lack of sympathy Keeth straightened up and went on.

“Well. Anyway, some tooth fairies are female. And some aren’t. There are loads of us, did you know? The job’s not gender specific. They don’t even ask on the job application. They only care that we sneak well and keep proper count of funds. It’s all about the money, sorry to say.”

Abbey’s expression grew quizzical and the toothpick stopped bobbing. He quit smiling, then strode across the room to seat himself at the end of the bed. The toothpick flicked to the other side of his mouth.

“You’re wondering why you’re seeing me.” he stated, swiveling his head to face her.

Feeling put on the spot, Abbey paused. Then her eyes snapped into focus and she turned, groped under her pillow, and brought out her hand, a yellowed tooth laying on her palm. “To take this?” she guessed, hopefully, barely pronouncing the sibilant. “And to leave some money for it?” She smiled for the first time, a pleased, expectant expression on her face.

Keeth’s winning grin returned. “I’m here for much more than that, love. Just for your tooth, I’d be in and out of here in a jiff, and you’d never know. Nah, this is a different visit. I’m recruitin’.”

“See….when we tooth fairies get hired on, we’re given a bank account with an allotment that we’re to spend on teeth over the course of our tenure.” He paused, taking in Abbey’s blank look. “Right. Let me make it simpler…..I have a specific amount of money I’m allowed to spend in my time as tooth fairy. Rules say I’m to be mindful of gettin’ the most teeth at the goin’ rate. But it’s a full-time job. More than full time. Takes up my whole life. And really, I’m a bit bored. My retirement is just ‘round the corner, but I want to have some fun before then. Because our retirement, you know, it’s permanent, if you know what I mean.

“It’s quite unusual, finding a person such as yourself putting a tooth under their pillow for some coin. In my book, that means you’re a true believer.” Whipping the toothpick back to the other side, Keeth pulled a small black notebook from his inside breast pocket. Flipping through the pages, he bobbed his crossed leg in time with the bobbing toothpick. “Ah. Here. See? Abigail Miller. That’s you, yeah?”

Abbey nodded, now looking quite awake with a subtle smile.

“Yeah, I’ve picked up quite a few of your teeth. You’ve been on my route since your first tooth popped out. Well….seeing as you wanted to sell this tooth tonight, I thought, hell, why not? So, I came by to see if maybe……perhaps you’d like to be the tooth fairy for a little while?

“See, once our tenure….uh….our time of service…..is over, well, that’s it. Lights out, exit stage left. But while in service, we’re guaranteed good health and immunity to accidents. My time isn’t quite up, and I fancy a holiday. There’s about twenty-thousand quid left in my account. So, if you’re up for a bit of adventure, we could sort of break the rules together. I’ll give you my notebook and access to my funds, and you spend as long as those funds last making late-night visits to buy teeth. Then, when you’re all done, you and me, we’ll both exit stage left. What do you say?”

Abbey reached out a wrinkled, frail hand and squeezed his arm, smiling her toothless grin in agreement. He helped her out of the bed, disconnected her IV, then very carefully pocketed her very last tooth before escorting the old woman out of the room.