I'm a F•cking Capricorn

Honestly, whenever I get asked, what’s your sign, I roll my eyes in annoyance. Why does that even matter? Do we vibe? Do we hold a conversation long enough to want to order a second round of drinks? Are we meant for eachother?

“What’s your sign?”

“Uh, I’m a Capricorn.”

“Oh…” she sips her drink a little faster now.

Why didn’t they teach us about our signs in class if it’s going to affect how we interact with each other? Or how it can ‘explain’ past traumas?

“Well he was an Aries and I’m a Taurus so I should’ve seen it coming honestly.”

When I look up at the stars and I don’t see anything, mainly from the light pollution at night from every possible light being on and being too bright to take in the magnificence of night, stars and space. But for the sake of this article, I looked up to try and find my constellation and then searched traits for the Capricorn kind on the reputable Cosmopolitan website.

First of all the Capricorn means “the goat” in Latin which I think is adequate seeing that I love goat cheese and I do consider myself the “greatest of all time” on occasion, if I'm not spiraling from my depressive episodes. But then it also says it means “sea goat” which is a cruel joke because I don’t see how that’s possible for that creature to swim very well but then again I can’t swim at all. Next, in my traits it says I’m Ambitious (workaholic), Persistent (relentless), Realistic (pessimistic), Sensitive (touchy), Practical (dry), Disciplined (uptight). Okay let’s break this down.

If you’re not an ambitious person then how do you expect to succeed at anything in life? I try my hardest to think of a goal and push as hard as I can towards the most straight and narrow and as perfect as possible. If I want to be able to afford a house before I’m 50 in this plundering economy then yes, I will work persistently a little extra, a little too much, even alienate the people closest to me for a bit because it’s for the greater good in the end.

That being said it really sucks when you’re working this hard in a job you hate. I rather protect my pride and name and just push through it until the job is done. Whether I’m able to go home after 12 hours of work or 10, I tend to side with the longer hours so I’m not disappointed later. The whole ‘glass is half full’ only works if you haven't been disappointed enough to see that you’re lucky to even have a glass.

I work in the film industry and with any new job you have. You’re gonna make a lot of mistakes. Hopefully not mistakes that cost thousands of dollars but when there’s so much pressure and the stakes are high and you make a mistake, the term “you need tough skin” personifies itself in that situation. A lot of crying, lack of sleep because dreams turned into work nightmares and your personal relationship starts to get affected because of this new environment, something in you snaps. Now I find I’m sensitive to small things, maybe even normal things like when I get teased that my cooking is too salty just like my personality or how I give instructions to how to do something, they not understand and I believe down to my core that it’s because I have horrible leadership skills and I’ll never be a #girlboss and be stuck in my entry level position job forever because that’s all I’m good for. It’s a balance trying to be tough and work to then crumble at the slightest inconvenient fact whether true or not.

I keep writing about work (check out my other story “How I Learn to Swim) because that’s exactly what I’m lacking right now. I guess that’s my workaholic side showing again. In lieu of working on set, I’m occupying my time and mind with writing and art. I wake up, take care of the dog and then make breakfast and coffee for my partner and I and after our pleasant conversations we both retreat and sit down and start typing away or at least with an intention to create something. This structure of my day helps keep me sane and most importantly occupied. Straying away from my personal version of structure and schedule perturbs me. My innate need for a plan keeps me afloat and if someone interferes with that plan it unnerves me unless there’s food and drinks involved later. Does that make me dry and uptight even stubborn? Probably. But these traits can be anybody no? I just feel that our signs shouldn’t be the baseline for relationships as much as just a fun fact that’s used for reading your Horoscope in the latest issue of Cosmo or on Instagram like @checkinmela for fun and a laugh. My one hope at the end of reading this is that any form of astrologists goes away thinking “Oh yeah, she’s such a Capricorn.”