It is so strange, the speed at which everything can change. You know this of course, surely remember the single minute between our weeks on assignment where we both thought, only for the single flash of our own daydreams, that we might be assigned together. I remember the look on your face—the moment you found out of our separation and it was devastating.
I was confused, I confess, I could not—and still, sometimes, cannot—fathom the idea that I, my simple absence, Might cause you such pain. It is hard for me to understand, in a way that is wildly selfish as well as being rather grim if looked at in terms of my own self image, but I have come to learn that only in knowing my love for you do I understand how you love me in return, and the endlessness of my feelings is nothing short of a miracle; so when I begin to think like this, I remind myself that I am someone’s miracle, your miracle, and you are mine.
Oh, Lover, I am rambling now, I remember distinctly having a point, so we will see if I can find it.
Usually the things that change so fast are small, but every once in a while, change will come for you at alarming rates, and that is the situation that I have found myself in now.
The communication came through a few hours ago, and in the maze of my brain, between panic and elation, excitement and fear, all I know is that only by talking with you will I find the answers I so desperately need.
And here, Lover, I present to you my quandary.
Daedalus has officially offered me a contract—they wants to fly me to the Milky Way, in search of some sort of map—of which they have been maddeningly vague on the details.
They have paid for transport in full—their resources seem endless—but their timeline is exceedingly short and to accept is to leave the city immediately, in only hours, and my window for decisions is drawing closed.
You call me reckless sometimes, Lover, and maybe I am, but you have always been the fearless one, and I know what you would say if you were here:
‘Only when one tries amazing things can they achieve amazing things.’
It makes me smile, remembering this, because you were so proud of that advice. You made me write it out on an old cotton napkin in that city cafe on Palgoa. Maybe I will look, because I am sure I could find it.
So often I find myself surprised by the way each cog and gear in your brain works, you think in ways I could never have imagined, and I am in love with the beauty and vastness of your mind, every tick and click of it.
But you know all of this, Lover, of course you do, Sometimes I find I cannot help but live in these memories; if only to see you smile in the way you do, turning my heart to liquid gold, like I am falling for you all over again.
And so I will bring this to what I like to think is an elegant ending; (one, I admit, I would like to pretend I did on purpose) because still, Lover, as I'm sure you will agree, that night between deployments was not a single second wasted.
Even in writing, every conversation with you leaves my heart deeper in your hands, but I know that there is no safer place for it than with you.
icarus (first): 64/787/14
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