Delivery Man

“Five more minutes grandma.”

Carlos reached for the alarm clock, willing the sound to go away. He hated that fucking thing, but his grandma made the best pancakes, so it was worth it. Except there was no alarm clock. And his grandma had been dead for over twenty years. Clarity filled his head. Silly Carlos, he thought. That was no alarm clock! That was a flash grenade.

Silly, silly Carlos.

Carlos bolted upright and shook the cobwebs from his brain. He panned left and right, hearing the bullets fly over his head. When all the things that were doubles became singles, he knew his concussion had dissipated enough for him to slide out to the wall behind him and high tail it out. Crawling through the debris until he got behind the safety of the wall did not make him feel like a big man. But he had one job. Get the box down the building to the truck and keep it safe and oh shit he didn’t have it anymore.

Fucking idiot, he thought. Carlos looked back around the wall to the spot he just came from and saw the brown package wrapped in parcel string a few inches from the wall. Reaching out he was able to wrap a pinky in the sting and pull it to him. The smoke was clearing, and he knew they would be on him soon. Grabbing the box, Heisman Trophy style, he sprinted to the staircase.

He was going to make it. Sometimes good things happen to good people. The early bird gets the worm. Two eggs in the carton equals five in a bush or something like that. Things were looking up. That’s when the creature came out and took a swipe at Carlos’s head.

Claws flashed right in front of his eyes. His feet froze but instead of stopping, he slid on his side, just missing the deadly blow. The creature turned around and opened its wide maw at the new snack that was just presented. Like a present. On a dusty plater. That probably tastes like chicken.

Carlos slid into the opposite wall, using it to reset his feet and get up. The creature stalked toward him and got ready to pounce. Sharp claws scratched at the floor as its head pulled back, his mouth opened wide, and then blew up. Brown goop splatted on Carlos’s face and hair as he looked onto the creature no longer having a head. Soon a few other pieces of the creature were torn off before flopping to the ground. The bullets kept coming. Carlos rolled over to his left and fell a few steps into the staircase.

“Thank you!” He yelled at no one in particular.

Running down the staircase he found two dead gunmen. One had his face torn off, the other looked much worse. He reached to grab a gun from Faceless’ belt and checked for sounds. Boots were just getting to the staircase and getting louder by the second. No one said delivering a package in a post-apocalyptic hellscape with fascist armies chasing you while avoiding mutant man-eating creatures was going to be easy. And they were right.

He turned a corner to the exit and skidded to a stop as two creatures were feasting on a gunman with a knife in one hand and pepper spray in the other. Carlos wondered if the guy had been super confident with his plan of attack and, at what point, did they realize it had gone horribly, tragically wrong. Sniffing the air, a creature turned to him and gave a low growl. Like Clint Eastwood in that one movie about that one guy, he lifted the firearm and pointed it right between its eyes. He squeezed the trigger and brown goop splatted onto his buddy creature’s face.

“How do you like that, bitch.” Carlos said, pulling the trigger again.

Click. Nothing. After a few more trigger pulls with a few more click sounds, he dropped the gun.

“Uh, I guess you like that just fine. Want to be friends?”

The creature vaulted toward him, covering half the distance in one jump. Backing up, Carlos was able to avoid the first swipe but the second dung into his shoulder. The pain struck quickly, he had to think faster. The creature reared back and attempted to take a tasty chunk from Carlos but was met with a brown package instead. It tilted its head in shock and gave Carlos an opening to react. Jumping into the air, he lifted both legs up to its chest and delivered a flying, double squat kick. Slipping a finger into the parcel string, the package popped out of the creature’s mouth as it stumbled a few feet back. Creatures had sharp teeth and claws but they were tall and skinny, like Austin, Texas hipsters. Easy to push around. And they had the same body odor too.

Before the creature could get up, its head exploded. Carlos turned around to see if his head would be next but was greeted by a woman in a combat uniform and military beret. Her gun was pointed right at his face. Taking a step to the left, Carlos was met with a gun shot to the floor. He took no more steps.

“We need that package, Carl.” She said.

“You can’t have it. It’s for the good of the people and you are just going to- wait. What did you call me?”

“This place is dead. We can be the ones to save it. Just give me the package.”

“First of all, my name is Carlos. Second, you can’t have it. Third, why are we still talking? You could’ve have just shot me. I mean….don’t. But you could have. You have been trying all day! And fourth,…um…no… I’m done.”

“You are very resourceful. It would be stupid to kill you. We need people like you when we take this world back. Listen to me Carlton-“

“Carlos.”

“-we can be the change the world needs. Yes we can, Carlsbad. Yes we can. Si se puede.”

“Okay. That’s enough. I got to go. It was nice chatting with you.”

“That’s too bad. You would have made a great addition to the movement. I hate wasting a bullet on useful people.”

“Well, maybe you should waste it on him.”

The woman turned around to see a creature dig his teeth into her neck. A blood curling scream filled the room as Carlos continued to the door. The woman shot at the creature just as two more swooped in to get their fill. There was no more screaming. But there was a whole lot of dying so Carlos got the hell out of there.

Swinging the double doors open, Carlos scanned the area for the truck. Down the road, he spotted the grey brake lights in the dust and sprinted over. A woman stuck her head out of the window and looked Carlos up and down.

“You got the package.” She said.

“Here.” Carlos said. His exhaustion was catching up to him and making it difficult to talk.

“What the hell happened to it.” The woman turned package over in her hands. The brown paper was torn and there were bite marks on the box.

“My dog ate it.”

The woman unwrapped the package and Carlos focused on what it could be. She reached inside and pulled out a smaller brown paper box.

“It looks okay. We’re good to go.” She said to her driving partner then turned to Carlos. “You did good. This is going to help a lot of people.”

“Glad to help.” Carlos replied showing off his best smile.

She gave him a wink and they were off. Dust filled the air as the truck peeled off into the sunset. Carlos looked on with pride knowing he helped mankind. His contribution and heroics would be sung in songs for decades to come. The realization of what this could mean hit him all at once. Then he realized that the truck was the only transportation out of town. And that it was getting dark soon. With creatures everywhere. And an army.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”