Check your Horoscope, dude
receive unfiltered wisdom from the Universe - September Issue
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): You need to stop talking so much in your head. Why are you doing that? Like dude that's a lot of talking. The more you talk to yourself the less you are in the moment. That's a fact.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20): The stars are going to take a big shit on your dreams. Be careful not to step on it. But in case you do, light some incense.
Aries (March 21–April 19): You might want to hold a grudge against some people who showed you no respect in the past. Remember, when you hold a grudge against someone, you are actually holding a grudge against yourself.
Taurus (April 20–May 20): Can you think of something you’ve been wanting for a really long time? The stars for that are not yet fully aligned but they are suggesting you should start working towards it. So by the time they align you'll be completely prepared to level up. No second takes.
Gemini (May 21–June 20): There will be new opportunities arising that will help in making you more money, but you need to realize money is not everything. The stars recommend you skip those youtube ads for now.
Cancer (June 21–July 22): If your ego is bigger than your ass, you need to either work on finding ways to lower your egotistical tendencies or find a better workout plan to pump those glutes. Squats are not enough.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Sometimes you get bitter when things don't work out. I know you've put in a lot of work but life is unfair. Keep your head down and keep the grind alive. Don't be that guy who starts talking shit when they are not being recognized.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): There is a storm outside. If you try to take it on, it might multiply into more storms and then you are really f*cked. It's best to stay home for September and hide under a table. Just wait for the storm to pass dude, now that's a wise Virgo.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Some creative energy going on here, I see you are into a few creative projects. If you were considering pursuing an interest, the stars recommend you focus on this completely and not let any other distractions drain your energy from this.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): If you are waiting for a sign, this is not it. Your season is not quite here but it's coming up soon. Patience is key and Consistency is king.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): The days are getting shorter and seasonal depression is around the corner. If you are feeling drained, take a day to yourself to do things that will help boost your mental health. Go to the movies perhaps? I hear Shang-Chi and the Legend of Ten Rings is decent.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19 ): The challenges you were anxious about taking up, you have taken up. See it wasn't that bad eh. Keep working like a worker bee. Remember, the honey is not solely for eating and neither is meant to serve as a reward. See it as an offering to the Universe, as a Thank you.
Disclaimer: Although I refer to various astrological sources for these write-ups (which I write earnestly), this is purely intended as satire for readers to enjoy. If you would like to see the series continue, do let me know by dropping a heart!