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Worst Things to Say in Bed After Sex…

by Samantha Bentley 5 years ago in comedy
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You've just got the goods, now here's the bad and the ugly....

Sex. We are usually thinking about it, talking about it, anticipating it, or having it. There is nothing better then the seduction, the build up, the passion and intensity when you really want to bang someone's brains out. So, you've got your goodies, now you're laying in bed after the act and the person you've just shared your body with comes out with one of the following:

"What’s that smell… ?”

No one ever wants to hear this after sex; the fact is sex has all kinds of smells, and no one wants to hear that their sex smell is particularly fragrant or abnormal.

"Hold up, let me just text my boyfriend/girlfriend back…”

Whether you knew you were shagging someone in a relationship (homewrecker) or you just found out, this is one thing you should never hear after sex. You should also probably never have sex with this person ever again.

"Be right back, just going to take a dump…”

Seriously? Why? Just why. If you’ve ever said this after sex, you don’t deserve to have sex ever again. I don’t care how long you’ve been married, there’s a way to instantly kill any intimacy.


What are you apologising for? Crying? Finishing before she did? Being generally strange? A poor performance? If you’re sorry after sex then you should probably just see yourself out. Unless you came on your period in the middle of the act, which sometimes happens and can’t be avoided. I apologise for that. Although I usually know when it’s coming and you better believe that isn’t going to stop me getting what I want.

"Was that it?”

You think you just blew their mind, you may have been very wrong. How do you even respond to this? The only way to rectify is to say "not even close" and proceed with some bomb ass oral.

"Was that your first time?”

Even if it was, who wants to be noticeably inexperienced in the bedroom?

"Wanna call yourself a cab?”

Rude. Abrupt. Definitely let’s you know where you stand.

"You sound quite a lot like your sister/brother… "

So, you’re sloppy seconds to a sibling? Real classy. You might want to have words with your own flesh and blood shortly after you pick up your belongings and stroll straight out of there, deleting their phone number on the way.

"You smell like your dad/mum…”

Get out now.

"You might wanna get yourself checked…”

Good old STDs. When I first started in porn, I heard a veteran performer say that you’re not a true Pornstar till you’ve had your first STD and it made that first round of gonorrhea slightly less unbearable. In the real world? Oh hell no.

"I think the condom split.”

Cool. Who wants to drive to the pharmacy and pay for the Plan B pill then? This is everyone's first nightmare for a one night stand or a booty call. A split condom, a mysterious STD, a pregnancy that means you are potentially tied to this stranger for the rest of your life? Nope. Nope and nope.

"By the way, I’m not on birth control.”

Maybe try mentioning this before the act, yeah?

"You’re done already?”

Kinda ok for a girl to cum early, we can keep going. Guys, this is something you definitely don’t want to hear.

"You gave it a good shot…"

Patronising much?

"That was interesting."

Interesting?? I remember being told I was pale and interesting by an agent once. This was a polite way of saying ugly. So if your sex was interesting, unless you tried out some new, seriously weird and kinky shit, interesting is not usually good.


About the author

Samantha Bentley

Born and Bred Londoner, Mother to baby Roman and my two pooches, Plant Eater, Yoga and Aerial Teacher + Learner, Music Maker... was once in Game Of Thrones, was once a Penthouse Pet, used to win awards for getting naked.

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