We’re constantly inundated with ways to have a fantastic sex life, but what about the worst sex advice you’ve ever heard? I mean, whatever the situation, for every good example there are ten bad ones. Except when it comes to bedroom action. Pick up any glossy women’s magazine and there will be articles on ways to give a good blow job. Tips on how to make it last. Advice on finding the G-spot, female ejaculation, and how to enjoy being rear-ended. But nowhere will you find anyone giving you the worst sex advice.
Fear not, my horny little readers, because this is where we come in. We have scoured the dark minds of friends, (over countless bottles of vino) and read endless tales of woe, and we have come up with a selection of things you really don’t want to be trying in your search for nooky nirvana. Cautionary tales if you like. A how-not-to-do-it from the people who have, and survived to tell the tale.
So without further ado, let me introduce the worst sex advice.
Blow Hot and Cold
The Bad Advice:Alternate hot and cold drinks while giving him a blow job.
Ok, so we get the principle. Heat, cold, sensations…all very good in theory but in reality?
Mouthful of iced water – go down. Mouthful of hot tea – down again. Back to cold water again… you’ll be up and down like a fricking yo-yo, looking like you’re bobbing apples at a Halloween party. And what if you have sensitive teeth? Never mind face ache; with those extremes of temperatures the pain in your teeth will far outweigh lockjaw.
And can you imagine the sound effects? With all that liquid swishing around in your stomach you’d be forgiven for thinking you were at it on an air bed. Do you really think it’d be sexy to barf all over his balls? Didn't think so.
The Element of Surprise
The Bad Advice:Slip a finger inside his or her butt when you’re making love.
It’s true that in the bedroom, men, and women, like certain surprises. You see, I said certain? Giving her a sensual massage as foreplay might get her in the mood. Perfecting a lap dance to his favorite music will also do the trick (although if you then break up you’ll have ruined his favorite song for EVAH).
But for the love of all things horny, don’t slide your finger, or anything else, in his or her butt without asking his permission first! It freaks them out. Yes, double standards apply here because, on the whole (or in the hole), men love to do the same to women. But when the tables are turned? Its a no-go, and putting anything in anyone's butt should always be discussed before the act.
Let's Twist Again
The Bad Advice:Use his penis like a pepper grinder. (Yikes)!
Be very careful when reading sex manuals, and/or magazine articles which encourage different methods of, shall we say, manual manipulation of his penis. In your haste you may well misinterpret them, and the consequences could be embarrassing, to say the least.
I read one such article which suggested holding his hard on with both hands (I should be so lucky) and twisting them in opposite directions. You’re practicing the move now aren’t you? Ha…knew it!
But this could go terribly, horribly wrong if your enthusiasm gets the better of you. Remember that game you used to play at school, where you twist someone’s wrist in this manner and they end up with a ‘burn’ on their arm? Yep. Leave the Chinese burns for the playground, because explaining that to the emergency room staff…just, no.
Eye Opening Experience
The Bad Advice:Keep your eyes open as you both climax.
A prime example of the worst sex advice is to look into each other’s eyes at the point of climax. Nice in theory. But Christ, have you seen most people’s sex face? It ain’t pretty. Forced to keep your eyes open will result in bulbous, frog like eyes. Try it. Just the once. It’s not too bad if the man is underneath – at least the woman can flip her hair over her face as she cums. But if it’s the man on top, well, it’s pretty hard going, lots of physical exertion, and… let’s just say there will be much reddening of the face (in some cases purple) and veins will stand out. If you want to keep on fancying your partner, shut your eyes. Seriously.
Cream of the Crop
The Bad Advice: Squirt whipped cream all over each other’s bodies.
Even the most inexperienced lover will have heard the stories about how hot it is to squirt whipped cream on to each other’s bodies and lick it off again.
Unless you plan on having a shower straight afterwards, just don’t. You are never going to be able to find every last drop of whipped cream, and when you wake up the entire room will smell like the morning after the drunken night before. Stale whipped cream smells like vomit. Only worse. And as it will be emanating from your body the smell will follow you everywhere you go.
Either that or you will wake up with your pet cat having a jolly old time on you. And I don’t care how nice the roughness of a cat’s tongue is. It’s wrong. SO wrong.
Heat Things up with Hot Wax
The Bad Advice:Drip melted wax on to each other’s bodies.
There are numerous candles which you can buy that are designed to melt the wax at a lower temperature. Warm wax can be erotic, sensual, and if it’s the sort which you can massage in afterwards, can be a huge turn on.
But trust me on this – the ONLY use normal household candles should have in the bedroom is that of providing just enough light to flatter your less than perfect bod.
Ordinary wax gets hot with a capital scream when applied to the skin. That stuff burns like a mofo. If you want to explain to your doc why you have first degree burns across your breasts, then go ahead. But have something to bite* down on first because you WILL screech.
*We don’t recommend your partner’s penis for this. That is also the worst sex advice.
Hitting the Bottle
The Bad Advice: Use a wine bottle as a dildo.
Apart from all the germs which might be lurking on an empty wine bottle, you don’t want to masturbate with a wine bottle, especially if you’ve taken the cork out. All that in-and-out action will cause the neck of the bottle to create a vacuum, sticking to the woman’s cervix like a barnacle to a boat’s hull. And there it will stay. The only way to break the seal is to break the glass. The glass that is inside your woman’s vajayjay. Are you cringing yet? This little foray into the world of alternative sex toys will earn your lady a trip to the hospital, and an entry (no pun intended) into the hospital’s book of WTF emergencies. Additionally, it'll make you an expert from experience on the worst sex advice.
A Little Bit of Rough and Tumble
The Bad Advice:Don’t be too gentle, ladies like a bit of rough now and again
So yes, there is something to be said for not always being gentle. Sometimes it’s nice to get a bit hot and heavy, and depending on what your man is doing, a little bit of rough can add a certain frisson to the proceedings. But if you are going to follow the advice, you need to make like Goldilocks and the three bears – you need to get it juuuust right. Cases of nipples being bitten half off aren’t that few and far between, and drawing blood from a foreskin will put you off oral sex for life, as would finding a free-roaming clitoris in your mouth! When it comes to teeth, less is more, darling.
Be a Little Spitfire
The Bad Advice: Spit into your lover’s mouth
Most disgusting of all in the line-up of worst sex advice, comes the suggestion that spitting in your lover’s mouth is a big turn on. It’s not. Ever. What might feel like an exchange of hot bodily fluid to you, will feel like a cold congealment of disgustingness to your partner. In the slow motion second it takes for that gob to reach his or her mouth, it loses any warmth it had and will feel like a mouth full of mucus. Don’t do it. Please.
When it comes to listening to well-meaning mates, or reading glossy magazines on the subject of how to spice up your love life, take it all with a pinch of salt. Salt, not pepper. Do what feels good to BOTH of you, and not what your bestie saw on a cheap porn movie. And remember, what works for you might not work for someone else, so unless you want to be accused of giving the worst sex advice, and cited as the reason someone ends up in the emergency room, what happens in your bedroom should definitely stay in your bedroom!