Why Women Need Twice As Much Sex As Men
The One Difference Between The Male and Female Brain That Most People Don’t Know About, And How It Could Be Hurting Your Relationships
Have you ever been in a failed relationship?
Did you often feel like your partner didn’t ‘get’ you?
When you research the top reasons for relationships and marriages falling apart, two of the most common are:
‘lack of communication’
‘differences in libido’.
There is also a common misconception that men want sex more than women.
This is completely untrue and I’ll explain the science behind why in this article
Male Vs. Female Brain
“My brain is the most beautiful part of my body.” — Shakira
One of the amazing things about our brain is the left and right sides of our brain function quite differently.
THE LEFT (MALE) BRAIN
The left side of our brain is very mechanistic, it is very task-oriented, very strategic, very mathematical, linear.
This is what is referred to as the “male” brain.
Of course I’m NOT saying that women can’t be strategic and mathematical and linear, but these attributes tend to be more male in nature.
The left brain is where a neurotransmitter called dopamine lives.
(Think of a neurotransmitter as a hormone in the brain).
Dopamine is where your motivation comes from.
Remember that feeling when you checked off that item on your to-do list? Or when someone likes your post on Instagram?
That’s dopamine in action.
In other words, when you engage in behavior that raises your dopamine levels, you are more likely to engage in that activity again to get the same dopamine hit, and rush of good feelings in the brain.
When you have high motivation, you can stay engaged, passionate, and motivated to complete tasks.
What’s cool about Dopamine, is YOU can raise YOUR own levels of Dopamine.
THE RIGHT (FEMALE) BRAIN
When we move into the right brain, things get a little bit more interesting.
The right brain is more sensual.
It’s more creative. It’s emotional. It’s passion.
This tends to be more of what we call the “female” brain, and again, men can be sensual and passionate, but these are more feminine traits.
This is where serotonin lives, our happy hormone.
Serotonin is a right brain neurotransmitter, and the difference here and the key:
You can NOT raise your own levels of serotonin.
Serotonin is raised EXTERNALLY.
It is elevated by positive feedback from our loved ones, our work, and our environment.
This is important to understand because Serotonin levels increase Dopamine levels
So, the more positive feedback we get from our external environment through praise and appreciation, the more motivated we are to continue engaging in the activity that produced the praise.
Your partner, in the context of your relationship, raises YOUR levels of serotonin.
So you receive positive feedback from your partner, that elevates your levels of serotonin, and in turn, that will raise your levels of dopamine.
NOW HERE’S THE MIND-BLOWING PART…
Even though females tend to be more right-brained in nature, men have 50% MORE serotonin receptors than women do.
So what does that mean in the context of relationships?
Women need twice as much:
love and affection
positive reinforcement from our external environment
Women need more encouragement along the way to elicit the same neurochemical cascade.
If she doesn’t get the positive reinforcement from her environment, her serotonin levels will drop, and eventually so will her dopamine.
The Serotonin-Dopamine Dance
“Every time my TweetDeck shoots a new tweet to my desktop, I experience a little dopamine spritz that takes me away from… from… wait, what was I saying?” — Bill Keller
As I mentioned before, when serotonin levels go up, it will drive higher levels of dopamine.
A Positive Example of the Serotonin and Dopamine Dance:
I receive a lot of positive feedback (serotonin) from my clinical practice because patients constantly tell me what a difference I have made in their lives.
I have athletes able to reach new PRs, dads are able to play with their kids again, women saying their headaches are gone and they’ve never been this energetic and happy.
I often say to myself, I can’t wait until tomorrow when I can do this all over again!
In neurotransmitter land, what is really happening in this positive feedback loop is I get a serotonergic boost from my external environment, which drives up my motivation (dopamine).
This makes me engaged to continue to be a better doctor and to continue to serve.
In other words, when your serotonin is up, it drives your dopamine levels up, too.
This is neuro utopia because my efforts and the outcome are aligned.
A Negative Example of the Serotonin — Dopamine Dance:
A woman wants to show her male partner how much she loves and cares for him. She spends the day looking up recipes and cooking his favorite meal, the house gets cleaned, the works. She gets her hair did, nails did, everything did, she is perfumed up and ready to go.
Her partner comes home and is in a bad mood, or tired. He doesn’t want to engage with her and just wants to sit down in front of TV to relax.
What would happen to her serotonin (happiness) and consequently her dopamine (motivator)?
Simply, this would be neurochemically devastating because she is expecting an outcome that matches her efforts.
When she does not receive the feedback she is expecting, it will lower her motivation to do so next time.
The lowered serotonin leads to a decrease in dopamine.
And what does this do to her motivation (dopamine) the next time it happens? The tenth time? The hundredth time?