Why Porn Is So Unsexy

Recently, the number one most popular scene on the world’s most popular porn site was a rape scene featuring an 18 year old woman.

When I was a kid growing up in the 1980s, porn was something you saw in magazines. My first exposure to it was at the age of 12 with a school friend at his uncle’s house one Saturday afternoon. What I saw that day is today categorised as soft porn.

Pornography is not about sex. It actually degrades and demeans sex to make it all about you and your gratification. It’s amazing when you first see it, and it can remain amazing for many years, but more and more research is now coming out showing how harmful porn is.

This is not about moral arguments or being negative about sex. I would say I am sex-positive. That’s why I see porn as so unsexy. The best sex I have ever had has been in the context of connection and relationship when I have loved the person I am with.

Since the advent of the internet, and more particularly, smartphones, we are exposed to more pornography than at any time in human history. And despite the obvious objectification of people that porn is by definition, research shows that it is also becoming more violent. Dr John Foubert, who specialises in the effects of porn, says that 88% of porn today shows violence in some form, usually from a man towards a woman. Added to that is the fact that in 95% of those scenes, the response from the person to whom the violence is directed is either pleasure or neutral. What Foubert says is that this is teaching viewers of porn that violence during sex is normal.

As well as that are the now proven links between porn and sex trafficking. Interviews with women rescued from trafficking reveal that more of them than ever had porn made of them when they were being trafficked. Those videos are what appear on Pornhub and other popular porn sites. What that means is that you never know whether or not the porn you are watching is of consenting adults or women who are being forced against their will. I don’t know about you, but that’s not something I want to be part of.

The addictive nature of porn is also being documented more. Brain scans of regular porn users have revealed that the same neural pathways are lit up when they’re watching as are those of cocaine addicts when they’re using.

The nature of addiction is that the human body needs more and more of whatever stimulant it is using to achieve the same high. That’s just documented science. So it makes sense that for porn to achieve the same effects as it has previously, it needs to be more extreme. Otherwise we lose interest over time. Hence the increase of more violent porn.

Another shocking fact to emerge from porn use is what is known as PIED: Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. Because of the hyper-stimulation that porn causes, what initially brings on sexual arousal becomes less interesting and exciting over time, to the point that, not only do many men need to watch porn to get aroused with their partners, but more men can’t even get hard at all when they watch porn, let alone when they’re with their partners. You can imagine the impact this has on relationships and the sense of shame it brings among men. A recent interview on the ‘Consider Before Consuming’ podcast featured a man in his 20s who couldn’t get an erection anymore. While this won’t happen to every man, it is happening more.

The good news is that PIED doesn’t have to be a permanent condition. As we reduce and eventually eliminate porn use in our lives, the ability to perform does return. How long that takes depends on the physiology of the individual.

What the science of porn use shows is that this is a human rights issue. It goes to the very identity of what it means to be human and to be a person with inherent dignity.

Porn actually diminishes our humanity as it is deliberately mechanical and devoid of affection. Researcher, Johann Hari, in his book, Lost Connections, says that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it’s connection. Humans are wired to relate; we are social creatures. We are at our happiest when we have relationships where we are loved and valued. Porn is the very opposite of that. It’s a misconnection because you’re trying to find a connection with an image on a screen rather than a person in real life.

Because all of life is interlinked, one of the most tragic consequences of porn use is the abuse of young girls who feel like they need to do what their boyfriends have seen in porn to please them. The average age of first exposure to porn these days is 11. When teenagers use terms like ‘smashed’ or ‘beat the pu$$y up’ when talking about having sex, you can see the effects of porn as a violent act. I saw a photo from one of the climate strikes recently which showed some young women with a banner saying ‘I like being choked, but not by greenhouse gases’. I think it’s great that they’re out there trying to save the planet, but it’s tragic how normalised they’ve become to violent sex.

The distance this puts between males and females in our society is nothing short of destructive. That is seen in the clear links between domestic violence and porn. That doesn’t mean that all domestic violence is driven by porn; but it does mean that there is a link between it.

When sex is not driven by emotion, by relational connection, the only outcome is that it creates division. The people who produce porn know this. They’re not concerned about hot sex at all; they’re in it for the money. Porn producers themselves have said that. The global porn industry today is worth $97billion.

I’ve heard it said that every time a man walks into a brothel, he walks in there looking for God. The same can be said of porn. It is a search for connection, for something to fill the void, to make us feel better. But all it does is leave us more empty than ever because it can never do what it promises. You can’t have a relationship with an image on a screen and with someone you don’t know.

My experience is that the most satisfying form of connection is with someone I love and care for. That’s why I find porn so unsexy.

For information on the science of the effects of porn, check out Fight The New Drug, a not-for-profit that is a movement for love which seeks to highlight the harmful effects of porn on individuals, relationships and society.