Why Men Cheat

The late, great Nat King Cole sang a song years back called Haji Baba which put forth the following message:

"Haji has said, 'When love is forbidden. Love is so sweet, love is so sweet...'"

An interesting bit of information. On the surface it would seem that Nat and Haji are correct. Marriage counselors, sex researchers, ministers, all those who concern themselves with such phenomena, say that marital infidelity is becoming more commonplace each year.

But what are the real reasons for adulterous behavior? Is it because, as Nat and Haji would have us believe, that man does have an uncontrollable desire to be indiscreet? Is it because forbidden fruit is, in fact, sweeter?

The primary cause which prompts men to cheat is his simple (though not so simple, really), innate desire for sex, nature’s biological insurance policy which states, "the species will be propagated." One can examine the male animal from the simplest to the most complex form and without fail the sex drive will be quite evident.

Adultery In Nature

Sometimes this basic drive is of such strength that it is self destructive. The classic example is the black widow spider. The male spider of this species must know in his minuscule thinking capacity that to mate with his larger, stronger female counterpart means almost certain death—if not this time then the next, he must say to himself resignedly—yet, he cannot escape his fate. He is programmed by nature to fulfill his rather unenviable destiny.

During the rutting season the big horn sheep battles all comers for the possession of his harem. He will seriously compromise his health (he cannot find the time to eat!) in an admirable effort to meet the demands of the amorous ewes.

Man, the towering pinnacle of animal development, also displays an awesome, even terrifying, sex drive. This primordial need is there, admittedly greater in some men than others, but there nonetheless and it is the first order of importance in the equation of infidelity. Without it, a man would be asexual. He would be impervious to sex and a man such as that would certainly not be unfaithful to his wife, if indeed he would have a wife in the first place.

The Male Ego

The second step along the road to adultery is due to what is commonly but mistakenly called the male ego. Phrases such as, "he has an insufferable ego," or "he is so egotistical I can’t stand him," are commonly heard and they imply that ego is a bad thing. In actuality, if we are to use the word ego at all, it indicates that we ascribe to the psychological concept that the total psyche is comprised of the id, ego, and superego, in which case the ego turns out to be a hero of sorts.

In the classical sense, the ego is that part of our psychological being which logs our experiences based on what our senses tell us, organizes our thinking in a rational manner, and finally governs what we do.

When we become so angry with a person that we feel the urge to kill, the ego steps in and keeps us from committing murder. When we discover that our childhood dream to become President of the United States is not going to materialize, it is the ego that intercedes and allows us to function successfully on a less important level, rather than letting us resort to more drastic actions such as suicide or insanity.

How can an abundance of such a necessary mediator be an undesirable quality? It can’t be—semantics are to blame, not the ego. Perhaps male vanity would be a better word but even that is not entirely correct.

There is a strange force inherent in most higher-ordered male species which drives them to be the best, physically, or at least try to be the best. Watch the rooster. He struts around the barnyard, showing off his feathers, casting a disdainful glance now and then toward an admiring hen. He is the undisputed master of his domain and he will fight (sometimes to the death) any other rooster who might challenge his position. He is the top pecker (forgive the pun) in the pecking order and he will keep things that way for as long as he is able.

This Story About a Bull Isn't Bull

Some time back, while I was living on a Sioux Indian reservation in South Dakota, I had the opportunity to study the behavior of a group of cattle comprised of two bulls and perhaps 60 cows. Of the bulls, one was old and wise, the leader of the herd, and one was young and inexperienced. One of the almost ritualistic behavior patterns that I found most interesting was this one:

A young heifer would come around wanting the attention of a male companion. The younger bull was more than willing to oblige. He would paw his feet and bellow and become terribly excited and aroused but before he could get into the heifer the old bull would come charging at him and drive him away to a far corner of the field. Then the old bull would mate with the heifer and generally several other cows just for good measure, taking his own sweet time and displaying an air of nonchalance while the younger bull watched from afar, glowering with frustration. When the old bull was finally sated he would walk off a little distance from the herd and stare for a time at the younger bull as if to say, "I still run things around here and don’t you forget it." Then the old bull would amble off to graze and rest.

At this point the younger bull would dash over to the herd of cows and copulate with such frenzy that when he was finished he could barely walk. During this activity the old bull would eat grass and stare at the far horizon, paying absolutely no attention to the goings on. He was totally disinterested. Why? Because he knew he was number one, the best. He had just demonstrated the point a short time back–to the younger bull, to the cows and most importantly to himself.

Man is little different from the rooster and the bull. He will start at an early age to compete with his peers, trying to demonstrate that he is the best. If he is fortunate enough to make the first string on the little league baseball team he will come home full of excited, happy chatter. He will be smiling and his eyes will sparkle. When he tells of his accomplishments in the field of physical endeavor he will receive a rewarding kiss on his cheek from his mother and a pat on the head from his father who will say proudly, "I knew you could do it, son." In addition to the adulation he receives at home he is accepted and admired by his peers. It is nice to be the best.

But what of the less fortunate man-child who is not endowed with the athletic ability and physical prowess that is required in order to make the first string? In almost every case he will look around for other areas where he might excel–be the best. He might take up music or art. He might aim at becoming another George Gershwin, John Singer Sargent or William Faulkner. True, that isn’t as nice as being Babe Ruth or Joe Namath or Muhammed Ali but it is something.

The need to try to be the best physically is a trait that man seems to have always displayed. Even before man became accomplished enough to invent a written language he would draw pictures on his cave walls depicting men killing animals or other men, the hero vanquishing the foe whether it be man or beast. Man has always lauded those individuals who were bigger, meaner, stronger, tougher... Names like Hercules, Samson, and Goliath are familiar to everyone. Little difference that Hercules was rather stupid, that Samson was outwitted by a prostitute, that Goliath was slain in battle by a boy with a slingshot. They are all heroes just the same. Because of their physical prowess alone they have survived the ages.

Two thousand years ago, more or less, the Greeks initiated athletic contests to determine which men were the best physically. In 1980, these same games, called the Olympics, were held in Moscow and many of the competitive events were identical to those of 20 centuries before. Who can throw the spear (javelin) the farthest? Who can leap the greatest height and distance (the high and long jump, respectively)? Who can run the marathon the fastest?

It seems an absolute paradox that a species whose technical advances have enabled him to go to the moon and put a space probe on mars should content himself with games that are two thousand years old! For as long as man can trace his history he has been testing himself against others to determine who is physically best and if history is, indeed, a reliable means of projecting the future it would indicate that man will continue this practice for a very long time to come.

It seems obvious that man must strive to be the best physically and since sex is of a physical nature then it follows that man must strive to be the best sexually. And, as is his custom, man accords laurels to those individuals who excel–Casanova, Valentino, Errol Flynn, Johnny Holmes.

Causes of Infidelity

At this point, in order of importance, the basic reasons for infidelity are:

1. The basic sex drive.
2. The desire to excel physically (sexually).
3. Curiosity.

It seems quite apparent to me that curiosity is a basic, instinctive drive and an almost frightening one at that. I tend to rely on the lower-ordered species of animals for confirmation of my theory. One does not have to look far to discover the fact that most animals are intensely curious. Remember the cat? She could survive anything and laid claim to nine lives but it was curiosity that killed her.

Man shares this trait of insatiable curiosity with his feathered and furry friends. Like the cat, he will risk his life and will sometimes lose it trying to satisfy his curiosity. He has always ventured to the far horizon simply because he wondered what was there. He goes to the ocean floor and to the moon because he is curious to see what he might find. And he is just as curious about himself.

In our society we have been led to believe that sex should be an explosive, absolutely marvelous, all consuming experience. We read about this in Gothic novels and in pulp magazines. We see it on television and in the movies. It is the age of the multiple orgasm.

So, when a man’s own sex life falls short of what he expects, he begins to wonder. What’s the matter, anyway? I don’t see stars and flashing lights. My hair doesn’t stand on end. My wife doesn’t scream and faint because she has over-orgasmed (if there is such a term). Something has got to be wrong. But it can’t be me (the need-to-be-the-best-physically drive is threatened) so it must be my wife.

At this point two things will happen. The man will come to the realization that sex might not be all it's cracked up to be. In which case he will most likely discover that he has been programmed wrong so he will, quite sensibly, set out to reprogram himself. He will accept, work and try to improve what he has and in all probability will be pleased with the results. The other thing that can happen is that his curiosity will begin to plague him. He will wonder if out there somewhere in that vast sea of females might there not exist that one particular woman who might help to fulfill those dreams of sexual ecstasy? If his curiosity gets the best of him he will start looking for that non-existent woman. Infidelity because of curiosity.

These are the basics. Man is an animal with a sex drive which must be satisfied. Man must try to demonstrate that he is the best physically and therefore sexually. Man's intense curiosity will sometimes drive him to look for increased sexual pleasure.

It seems that I have painted a black portrait here, but not really. If a man receives a sufficient amount of sex at home, enough to quell the basic drive, and if he is satisfying his partner to the extent that their relationship is a happy one, his chances of straying away from home are diminished immensely. Second, if he has the good fortune to have a wife who truly loves him and the good sense to realize this and know that in his own world (what other is there?) he is the only and the best, and he treats her likewise, there will be no sexual windmills to joust with. And last, if the first two drives are satisfied it is highly unlikely that a man would succumb to his curiosity. No matter how green the grass on the other side of the fence looks, if you have all you can eat and you like the way it tastes, chances are you won’t go to the trouble of getting across the fence.