Why Good Sex is More About Chemistry than Anatomy
It’s science — chemistry comes first.
The moment he laid eyes on her, he knew he had to have her.
Her form intoxicated him. The curve of her hips and the arc of her back. She was shaped like a coke bottle with big tits, thick thighs, a fat ass, and a small waist. The way her long dark flowing hair framed her round face added to her mystery. Her full lips were painted blood-stain red. In contrast, her dark smoky eyeshadow brightened her tea-colored irises.
She was the kind of woman he fantasized about in his teens. But, of course, he’s always been drawn to the pin-up model type. And she seemed to walk straight out of the centerfold.
They met online, and this was their very first date.
As she strolled toward him, he felt his back stiffen — he was nervous. What if she didn’t like him? She was gorgeous; what if he wasn’t good enough for her?
Lucky for him — he appeared to be wrong because, after dinner, she asked him to come home with her.
At this point, he was fairly certain that he was going to get laid.
Back at her place, they made out on the couch. Which was mostly okay but a bit messy — for a girl that was so cute, she sure was juicy-mouthed. But he rolled with it because things were heating up — fast.
Before long, they were butt-ass-naked in her bed.
She was just as beautiful unclothed as she was fully dressed. But for some reason, his body was taking forever to come online. So he decided to slow things down and strike up a conversation. But every time he tried to speak, she stuck her tongue in his mouth.
It was nice to be desired, but his body was not on board — which made zero sense.
Here was a woman who appeared to walk straight out of his dreams and into reality. But there was something about her that didn’t do it for him. And although he loved hungry kisses, he was having a hard time getting into it.
But he still kept trying.
They had sex. Not great sex. Not memorable sex. Just sex.
His erection was unreliable, but he made it work. He wasn’t sure if he believed her when she said she enjoyed herself — because he didn’t feel the same way.
How could something that seemed so right go so terribly wrong?
Good sex is about so much more than parts that fit together.
This is not just my opinion. It’s science. In fact, I would argue that good sex demands chemistry — first and foremost. And in the hierarchy of love, sex, and romance — chemistry is top tier.
Let me break it down for you…
See, the guy in the previously mentioned story was following a very compelling narrative. He was convinced that this woman checked all the boxes. She was pretty, her body was all the things, and she was willing to do the horizontal boogie with him. But because there was no chemistry — what should have been gold-medal sex didn’t even rank.
One could argue that our protagonist could have had amazing chemistry with this woman because she was his ideal. And that is absolutely correct, and this is what I have to say about that — coulda, shoulda, woulda, but didn’t.
Sexual chemistry is not one-size-fits-all. What sparks chemistry with one person might fall flat with another.
“Sexual chemistry is the very strong but ineffable feeling that you feel in your body when you’re attracted to someone.” — Dr. Zhana Vrangalova
While the definition may be elusive — the feeling is unmistakable.
We have all been in situations where we try to make something work when the chemistry isn’t there. But that begs the question, how do you know when there is chemistry?
For most people, sexual chemistry creates a physical reaction. You know the signs:
- clammy palms
- dilated pupils
- elevated heart rate
- blushing skin
But rather than feeling anxious, it often feels exciting. And more than the above-mentioned general physical symptoms, sexual chemistry often awakens the genitalia. I’m talking engorged nipples, erect clits and penises, salivating pussies, and juicy dick tips.
Why is it that you have sexual chemistry with some people and not others?
The short answer is, you’re not supposed to have it all — that’s greedy! But the truth is a tad more complicated.
Genuine attraction is a combination of biology, early development, and social messaging.
Biology - you may naturally be drawn to various physical characteristics (body type, eye color, toenails — yes, that’s a thing). Your hormone levels also play a role in attraction, as do the pheromones of the other person.
Early Development - many of the things that draw you toward potential bed partners are based on familiarity. In other words, you unconsciously pick people that remind you of the primary caregivers (or care withholders) from your childhood.
Social Messaging — the beauty standards that have pervaded your mind directly and subliminally through marketing, family dynamics, and peer pressure — and these things influence what you regard as attractive.
Chemistry is not always reciprocal.
Sometimes attraction is a one-way street. It is totally possible to feel intense sexual chemistry for someone who does not feel the same way towards you. It sucks, but it’s true.
So how will you know if the other person’s genitals tingle at the thought of you? The only sure-fire way to know is to ask. Better sooner than later, because the last thing you want to do is invest a lot of time with someone who doesn’t feel the same way.
And if they don’t feel how you feel — don’t take it personally. There really are a lot of fish in the human sea. You can bet your bottom dollar that there is a whole school of fish who would love to make you their boo. #TrustAndBelieve
Manufacturing sexual chemistry
Here’s a personal truth — I have only felt immediate sexual chemistry a couple of times in my entire life. But that doesn’t mean that I have been having terrible sex.
It’s possible to create sexual chemistry — sometimes. But it should never be forced. If you or the other person are not feeling the spark, but you decide to get to know each other anyway — take your time. If you try too hard, you risk destroying any hope of building a genuine connection.
But that begs the question — how do you create sexual chemistry?
The best way to create sexual chemistry from scratch is to focus on other things. Wait, what? Yep, I said what I said.
These three tips will help generate bona fide sexual chemistry:
- Be curious - if this person is someone you really want to know, act like it. Ask them questions. Show interest in the things they are interested in. Make sure you’re all ears about the things that light them up. Learning about them from the inside out might generate the heat you’ve been looking for.
- Non-sexual activity - it’s always a good idea to find fulfillment outside of sex. Trying something new or doing things that you each like separately will help you find common ground. And who knows, you might discover a new hobby that you would never have tried otherwise.
- Be emotionally available- if this is someone you really like and want to develop a sexual rapport with, emotional availability is essential. So if a conversation takes a serious turn, don’t hide. When a discussion gets uncomfortable, stay in the room. Permit yourself to be vulnerable and honest. And make sure you create a safe space for the other person to do the same. Trust me when I say there are few things sexier than an emotionally intelligent human.
Of course, it takes continued effort to maintain sexual chemistry in the long run, but that’s a topic for another day.
The bottom line is — chemistry proceeds biology and anatomy. And I’m not talking about the order in which they are taught in school. This is about how the universe works.
Before a thing becomes a thing, certain elements must interact and engage to form a biological soup. The same holds true for good sex.
But if you’re one of the few people who are indifferent to whether sex is good or meh — forget about everything you just read.
As for the rest of us — keep hope alive. Instant sexual chemistry does exist, and if it’s not instantaneous, you can create it. ❤
In case you’re wondering what happened to our protagonist and his dream girl — he married her. And two kids and 12 years later, they're still together.
What about the chemistry, you ask?
It wasn’t there at first, at least not for him. But she was totally into him. And so he courted her until sparks were flying every which way.
And the rest is history.
About the author
Intimacy & REALationship coach, writer, and creator of The Sensuality Project. I specialize in Relationship-ing (it's a verb).