Filthy logo

What Men Should Know About the Orgasm Gap and How to Close it

Men, sex isn't just about penetration.

By Liam M Published 2 years ago 6 min read
What Men Should Know About the Orgasm Gap and How to Close it
Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash

The orgasm gap was a term coined to describe the disparity in orgasms between couples.

Men, we love to think we're great in bed. We expect women to get down on their knees (literally) and appease their wildest desires. Is this reciprocated...? Hell no, it is not.

It's clear that men neglect women's needs. Don't believe me, have a look at this chart.


The study highlighted that sex is all about the man and his needs, rarely about the woman and hers.

The most frequent non-coital practices were fellatio and manual stimulation of the penis by the woman. Kissing, manual stimulation of the vulva by the man, self-stimulation of the vulva, self-stimulation of the penis, and petting, were less frequent. Finally, cunnilingus and anal stimulation were rare; and the pattern is statistically significant- Link.

Come on guys, pull your acts together and start pleasing your woman.

If we combine; female stimulation, masturbation and cunnilingus, it barely scrapes the amount of fellatio received. Disgraceful, I know my girlfriend wouldn't be pleased if I neglected her in such a way.

Sex isn't just about penetration.

One study found that 18.4% of women reported that intercourse alone was sufficient for orgasm. And men only think about penetration, cumming and leaving. The goal is to ejaculate. Pump pump, and done.

This shouldn't be what sex is about. You should enjoy each other's bodies, cuddle, touch, kiss, caress, and whisper dirty nothings. Give yourself entirely to the other person in bed with you.

Concentrate on other body areas, boobs, legs, arms, ass, heck even the armpits. Kiss the areas surrounding, play with her boobs, lick and bite other sensitive areas (gently), tease her, make her want more.

When I do this with my partner, it drives her insane, I can feel the sexual tension building. This makes the act of having sex so much more enjoyable; it isn't just a quickie (even though they are fun, there's a time and a place). We spend more time together enjoying each other's bodies. We have learned our likes and dislikes in the process, which buttons to press or lick, how fast or slow. It's all a learning process, and it's bloody fun. This means we spend a lot more time in the bedroom.

Sex should be enjoyed for longer; after all it is the most intimate thing you could do; you're both vulnerable, open physically and emotionally.

How to close the gap

The most straightforward advice would be to spend more time pleasing your woman and stop being selfish.

Communication is key

Ask her what she wants. Some women may be awkward with this question or feel bad when they don't enjoy something you're doing. If this is the case, then make your partner feel comfortable over time.

Sometimes women worry about how long it takes to cum; this puts a block in their minds and potentially ruins any chances. Let her know you want to give oral, use your fingers, play with her whilst teasing her. Remove any doubts she has about your intention to provide her with the best experience.


If in doubt, use toys. They were designed to add fun and interest to the bedroom. Add a bit of spice to the relationship and leave your ego at the door. They weren't designed to emasculate men; your penis isn't a vibrator. It's nothing to be worried about. Bring some spice to the bedroom.

If you're unsure what to buy or use, speak to your partner and ask her favourite. Even go shopping together.

Maybe you could get a toy for yourself as well.

Learn about the female anatomy

This should be an obvious one. But porn is the leading "educator" for men when it comes to sex. Which means more sexually entitled men are roaming the earth. If I learnt anything from porn, I learnt nothing.

The internet is awash with information; take a little time to learn about the female anatomy. Get the basics down so you can identify the crucial parts of the vagina. If in doubt, ask your partner. Together you can find the clit and bring to her orgasmic pleasure.

One in three men think that vaginal penetration can bring a woman to a climax; however, most women said that stimulation of the clitoris is the most important thing.

Experiment with foreplay

Orgasms are about the mind just as much as the body, research shows. And foreplay creates the excitement and arousal necessary to reach orgasm.

Foreplay can begin before you're naked. Send flirty suggestive texts, give a foot massage, hug and kiss her whilst you watch a film. Take your time when things get heated up. Experiment with all kinds of foreplay, explore each other's bodies, be vulnerable and free.

There's something about the vulnerability of giving oral that turns me on. I love the way the female body moves and twists as I'm teasing my partner. How powerless I feel when she grabs my hair and pulls my face deeper into her. When my head is between her legs she knows that my goal is to give her pleasure.

The whole act gets us both ready for the main course, bringing us closer, intimately and orgasm wise.

Remember, just because you're giving oral doesn't mean you have to direct your attention on the vagina. There are many other sensitive areas of the body.

Keep on going

Remember sex isn't just about penetration and finishing. Keep the fun going with your hands, mouth, your newest toys. Most importantly, ask your partner what she wants.

Talk, during, before, after sex

There's a fundamental flaw in a lot of relationships. Communication sucks. Be open, and ready to ask and receive questions, especially in the bedroom. Ask your partner to show you how she masturbates. Question how this feels, or if she likes it when you use your tongue a certain way. Like I've said before, sex is about being open. Leave that ego at the door. Work on creating a strong sexual relationship built around trust and openness.

Foreplay, pillow talk, teasing and sex. All of these acts are amazing, they relax you and distract you from the monotony of life. For a brief moment in time, everything gets put on hold. The worries of life disappear as you melt into each other's arms, letting out a sigh of relief.

By being open with my partners, we have learnt the ins and out of each other's bodies. We now know the best way to please each other, read the reactions, what we do and don't like. Once we're finished, we collapse into each other's arms and talk about sweet nothings. This is one of my favourite parts of sex, the pillow talk. It doesn't matter the subject, it is all about that moment of release. We can talk about what we liked or didn't like, ask what that new technique was, think about what we can try next time.

It's all bout being open and showing appreciation.

Pay attention

To those little cues, the moans, movements and twitches. Sexual communication can also be non-verbal. Learn to listen to both your body and your partners.

No pressure

It isn't a goal or a challenge to make your partner cum. It is the by-product of the overall experience. Although this article is about closing the gap. You should remember that any extra pressure will ruin the chances of ever reaching this goal. Do everything you can to help her achieve this. But be careful to avoid too much pressure, as this can have the opposite effect.

Let's close the orgasm gap. Stop competing with your partner and start working together. Enjoy the time you have together in the bedroom, and have some bloody fun!

sexual wellness

About the Creator

Liam M

** I am trash **

Brit living in Germany, living the sober life. I grew up as a trash bag, but now I associate as a human.

Writing about life, sobriety, money and all things in between

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights


There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2023 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.