Walrus and Carpenter Lament
The pastiche none of you asked for - except L.C. Schäfer
(One doesn't need to sing the chorus at the end of every verse, it can be skipped every second or third verse. Depends on how drunk your audience is. Or if you tune it to a sea shanty, or to a call-and-response singalong, or to something folksy. Think Ren Faire naughty singalong, and you'll, um, hit the right note. Me, sing this? Sorry, physically impossible for me, now. But dare you to read it, without getting a tune in your head, along with some rather disturbing images. You've been warned....)
The walrus and the carpenter, were lonely as can be,
Staring all disconsolate at a deep blue sea,
They had an oyster orgy, but forgot to invite – me.
***
O walrus! O carpenter! Pray do not cry for me,
Because I play with Violet aside the deep blue sea.
***
The walrus and the carpenter, used to be friends of mine,
The carpenter can swing a hammer, nail an “O” divine,
But now arrives too early, then falls asleep, the swine.
***
O walrus! O carpenter! Pray do not cry for me,
Because I play with Violet aside the deep blue sea.
***
The walrus, with his toothsome grin, will watch most avidly,
And try to duplicate the moves with smart alacrity,
But when the finish line’s in sight, he fails spectacularly.
***
O walrus! O carpenter! Pray do not cry for me,
Because I play with Violet aside the deep blue sea.
***
The walrus and the carpenter, they should have known much better,
If you host an oyster bake, then invite me with a letter,
If I don’t get invited, then you-all do not “get her.”
***
O walrus! O carpenter! Pray do not cry for me,
Because I play with Violet aside the deep blue sea.
***
I have other ways to shine, I gots the internets,
Shall we peruse the naughty aisle? Yes, let’s do, oh YES!
I see a shape that’s pleasing, and what I sees, I gets!
***
O walrus! O carpenter! Pray do not cry for me,
Because I play with Violet aside the deep blue sea.
***
They called me via carrier pigeon, they called by cellular-
Sorry, I’m no longer moved by male, or suit of fur,
I found a boon companion, your summons I’ll demur!
***
O walrus! O carpenter! Pray do not cry for me,
Because I play with Violet aside the deep blue sea.
***
[bridge]
Sorry, walrus, carpenter, you know you’ve been replaced,
No secrets, no shenanigans, no missing coup de grace,
No organic disappointment, just smooth silicone,
I sing in “G” clef now, my OH! It hits high nooooootes!
***
The walrus and the carpenter, they are quite melancholy,
They hear my sultry alto go soprano when I’m jolly,
You should have paid attention more, but no, so eat your folly.
***
O walrus! O carpenter! Pray do not cry for me,
Because I play with Violet aside the deep blue sea.
***
I have a ten-speed sister, we sing in harmony,
Don’t need no porno stash, don’t need no pharmacy,
Who needs them when my dildos are my polyamory?
***
O walrus! O carpenter! Pray do not cry for me,
Because I play with Violet aside the deep blue sea.
***
You can play a sad tromboner, the walrus plays his oosik,
The carpenter can bang his drums, and make all kinds of music,
But me and Violet, a fine duet, we sing the light orgasmic!
***
O walrus! O carpenter! Pray do not cry for me,
Because I play with Violet aside the deep blue sea.
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