ROGUE CHALLENGE - A Wanky Song

As you will no doubt be blissfuly unaware, I already have a challenge running at the moment.

It's just a scrappy little dollar challenge, based around the quote, Women seem wicked when you're unwanted. The goal is to flex your woman-writing muscle. Take it out. Play with it a little. Wave it around.

Here is it (the challenge, not the muscle):

I started this Challenge in early August, with the goal to close it at the end of September. This is a departure from my usual MO, which is to allow one month. Not two.

I chose this because I had a lot on. Not least of which, I was going on holiday (I had a great time, I burnt, obviously) - and I thought others might have similar plans. (That is, taking a break, not burning their shoulders to a crisp).

I invite you to sit with me a while, and reflect on my poor choices. (This feels a little awkward, doesn't it? Maybe I should put the kettle on or something.) My lack of suncream, for one. But mostly, setting a challenge that runs too long. Work has actually wound down a bit, as well, so now is the perfect time to do something.

The thing is, I am jonesing to set another one, but this one doesn't close for weeks yet!

I already have a plan for October's shenanigans, and it's far too early to let that beast out.

So what's a Challenge Maestra to do?

The mind boggles.

In other, possibly related news, I was watching Taskmaster the other night. Isn't Greg Davies terrific? I've written about him briefly before. His ranting about Pie will never get old to me.

If you are unfamiliar with Taskmaster, please go and give it a watch. You can probably find some episodes on YouTube. It is the stupidest thing you will ever put in your eyes, but it's stupid in the best way.

One of the tasks (which the contestants absolutely nailed, by the way) was to

write a passionate ballad to yourself

and I thought, there are several people on Vocal who would be bloody good at that.

Or even if they aren't, you know, technically brilliant songwriters (I know I'm not), they could very well be skilled enough to make it fucking hilarious.

Isy Suttie ("Dobby" on Peep Show) wrote about all the facets of herself. Matt Lucas (he's a baby!) went with masturbation; a strong theme. I enjoyed all the efforts.

What will you do with it?

It's a thing isn't it, "What would you say to your younger self?" Well, what would you say to your older self? What would you say to yourself right now? What sort of things do you say, and what sort of things to you need to say?

The Brief

Write a song.

Specifically, a passionate ballad.

It's to you, from you, and about you.

You can take it as seriously, or not, as you like.

The Rules

It needs to be recognisably song-y. Verses, chorus, maybe a bridge.

You can just do the lyrics if you like, and I will tip my favourites a dollar or two.

If you do a melody as well, you have my enduring admiration and respect, and probably a higher tip.

If you embed a video of you serenading yourself with it, that is an automatic tip from me. If only one person does it, it'll be a $25 tip. If more than one, you'll have to split it. If more than 5, I'll tip the first 5 $5 each, and after that it'll be less.

You can nominate people you think would be good at this one, but you have to tip them if they give it a go.

Drunk entries are acceptable

If you can convince someone to collaborate, duets and "featureds" and similar are also acceptable. I have no idea how that might work, but whatever gets your creative juices flowing is fine. EXCEPT...

🛑 Please don't use generative AI to create any part of it

Don't forget!

✅ Link back to this piece

✅ Link your entry in the comments

Good luck! May your muse be generous, and your cup of courage overflowing.

If Father Ted can write a song, so can you!

Don't we all wince when the chap with the guitar at the party sings one of his own songs? It might almost be less perverse if he dropped his trousers. Please, man, put it away!

- Me, "Naked Truth"

👆 Words I am now enjoying with a slice of Humble Pie, baked in the oven set to gas mark egg on my face. Do not put it away. Take it out! Wave it around! Insert it, with joy and delight, into my ear-holes. I am waiting. I am ready.

Thank you for reading!

If you give a go, WELL DONE!

If you're watching from the sidelines, please support the people baring their naked souls.