Verbal Humiliation without Body Shaming

There may be a place for consensual body shaming within a D/s dynamic, but I’d like to explore alternative ways to humiliate without reverting to body shaming, specifically as an effort to avoid misogyny, homophobia, transphobia and ableism. It does involve getting creative and challenging yourself as a Domme. If this resonates with you, I hope you’ll try to incorporate some of it into your practice.

Erotic verbal humiliation is a psychological technique wherein the top says things to the bottom that mentally excite and arouse them. This can involve a myriad of ways of belittling or demeaning them. Many tops will use names such as slave, pet, girl/boy, worthless, whore/slut, or little bitch. In addition to being humiliated from specific words, many bottoms will react to the ways the top is speaking. They may like it when someone changes their vocal tone to express disappointment, when they whisper, yell or speak with anger in their voice. The words and phrases used by the Dom may cause embarrassment, shame or disgrace, adding to the sub’s excitement.

You should always begin any foray into verbal humiliation by talking about consent first and agreeing to a safeword, as well as having a conversation about what words and phrases are off-limits.

Can you humiliate without talking about an individual’s genital size, the shape of their body, or their masculine/feminine traits? The short answer is, yes. You can humiliate their behavior, which is a direct result of their choices. Why make fun of and tease someone about something they have no control over, something that is completely subjective and arbitrary? It’s much more fun to humiliate someone for their choices. That way you are belittling them for their own actions and thoughts, rather than the way they were born.

The first step in humiliating a sub’s behavior is to set an expectation. You both agree that “something” is the correct behavior or the goal and then if/when the sub does not live up to it or follow through, you berate them. It’s much more personal and realistic, and certainly more deserving of punishment. What are they trying to avoid, trying to live up to and how can you monitor that? What are they trying to accomplish? What do they value?

Once the expectations are set, you’ll need to find a way to track that behavior. This can be done through trust and self-reporting, through computer monitoring programs, by requesting and requiring photos or video, by getting receipts, by having the sub do things in your presence, or by forced confessions. As you monitor behavior or find out about it, they react.

Are you ready for some examples?

Treatment of others

Maybe your sub wants to always treat others with respect and tolerance. This is a lofty goal but one that a lot of people have. You can monitor emails and online social media posts, or ask questions about how the sub has been treating others in their lives. As they disclose behavior, ask even more detailed questions until you discover something that could have been improved upon. Did they not say “please” or “thank you”? Did they respond to something by centering themselves rather than asking about you or someone else?

Respect for Mistress

Your sub expresses that what is most important to them is to respect and please you. If the sub expresses that they want to be obedient and completely respectful of you, then any behavior that goes against this would therefore get them some kind of verbal abuse. Did they look you in the eyes for more than 2 seconds? Did they interrupt you while you were speaking? Call them rude or inconsiderate!

Self-care and grooming

Your sub may want to please you by being physically appealing, or may want to present to the world a certain way. This may involve grooming and personal care, looking or smelling a certain way. This one is easy to monitor as when they are in your presence or in pictures/video you can see them and criticize them for any tiny detail you want. Are their eyebrows unruly? Hair out of place? Perfume too strong? Are they a slob? Messy? Smelly?

Work ethic

Does your sub value hard work? Do they work hard to please you in all ways? Do they also work hard in their personal life and work life? Have they earned a promotion, gotten rewarded, been a good life partner? Or are they lazy? Do they get too easily distracted and not have their priorities straight?

Financial responsibility

Your sub expresses that they want to save more money so they can afford to tribute you more or to improve their life. How are they spending money this week? What does their bank history say they spent money on? Do they have self-control? Have they taken that online investment course yet? Did they buy a coffee on the way to work? That could have been $4 they gave to you! Someone with no self-control can be called unruly, headstrong, lacking willpower, wild, hysterical. Hint - use your thesaurus.

Creating a better community

It may be unusual but some subs may express their desire to make the world a better place. How are they helping the community? Are they donating money (get receipts!)? Are they volunteering? Or are they uncaring and callous?

Staying true to your word

Did your sub follow through on something they told you they would do? Or something they told a friend, partner or co-worker they would do? Or are they a liar and thoughtless?

Success

Maybe your sub wants to be successful and famous in life for their work or a talent. Have they reached the level of fame and success they desire? Why not? Are they not trying hard enough? Don’t let them become a victim. Focus on what they can do. Are they lazy and good-for-nothing?

Sexual Performance

Without mentioning genital or body appearance, you can still humiliate your subs for their genitals, especially relating them to sexual activity. Are they trying to cut down on masturbation? Are they wanting to better sexually satisfy you or their partners? If partners agree that the sub is trying to cut down on their sexual urges, then calling them a “slut” or “peon with no self-control” might be a good type of humiliation. Are they able to please? Have they learned new sex techniques or are they selfish and only thinking of their own needs?

I hope this post has given you something to think about when it comes to humiliating your slaves. Get creative, get to know them and try it out!