Tony Attends Christian School

My name is Tony and I am a 19-year-old college student. Blah blah blah. I am only writing this stupid journal because my "discipler," Todd, wants me to keep a record of my thoughts so that I can reflect on them later so that I might overcome my sexual desires.

Sexual desires are something that needs to be beaten and not embraced. That’s not how my family, or this school they elected I go to, see things at least. They call me names like “womanizer” or “adulterer”- I admit, I have slept with more than one mother in my day- some even call me “man whore” when they don’t think that I am listening. They only say things like that behind my back because most everyone is afraid of my notorious anger. The thing is, being called a man whore doesn’t hurt my feelings, it empowers me.

That must have been obvious because my single mother finally asked my grandfather for help with me. She was convinced she could be the mother and the father in my life when my father ran out on us. But having graduated high school and having no control, my ma wanted something better for me than to knock a woman up at a young age and become a reluctant father.

I took her warnings to heart when I almost got a girl knocked up. Maybe I did, maybe she had a miscarriage, maybe she was never pregnant, maybe she got an abortion. I don’t know, all I know is that she was flaunting a petite and fuckable tight little body all summer when she would have had some baby bump of some size- but she didn’t.

It was then that my ma got my grandfather involved. He is an independently wealthy man, with old school beliefs in all matters. My mother didn’t like the strict way he brought her up, and so she avoided him for the most part. He had money, and she needed it. However, rather than be spoon-fed, she raised me as a single mother as if she didn’t have a dime to expect from my grandfather.

When I had no ambition to do much right out of high school, I’ll admit, I got into a dark funk for a while, my ma talked to my grandfather, and then he and I had a heart to heart.

Maybe it was because my ma is a woman, or maybe years have taught my Grandfather Bill a thing or two in being more gentle. Either way, Grampa Bill was not as much as a tight asshole as I thought. Sure he was tough, but he was reasonable. He and I talked, one day I could inherit his business. My mother had no interest in it, but he expressed how much it would mean to him to pass it along to family in the future.

That meant me. That meant that I had to have the education to carry on the business successfully. That would mean a master's in business management and leadership. That meant a lot of work- but the payoff would be incredible.

Grandpa Bill had me hook line and sinker- when he delivered the news. He would pay for my entire education career, but I had to go to a private Christian school for a year to get a baseline in Religion before continuing onto my master's.

At the time my grandfather had me by the ball sack- wherever he led I would have followed.

This is how, much to my surprise, the following fall I was in Central Louisiana at a very secluded and small private Christian school. I didn’t tell any of my friends where I was going, because I knew I would never hear the end of it. I planned to cut my friends from home out of my life for a year so I didn’t have to explain myself to any of them. When I was finished with this god-forsaken place I would have a tall beer with them and laugh at it all-on my way to becoming my grandfather’s replacement CEO.

That was easy to think the first week, but then the reality of what a year would look like here started to sink in. Boys and girls couldn’t hold hands, let alone kiss. There was a curfew by 10 pm. Guys and girls both had strict dress codes. Absolutely no alcohol or smoking/vaping of any sort- we couldn’t even go to the movie theater in our free time! Not that there was much free time, every second of every day was packed with shit to do. It’s all fucked.

I’ve only been here for a month, but already I had another pregnancy scare. The girl I seduced was a virgin, and I didn’t have a condom, but I didn’t think it would matter as she was on the pill. Only I should have thought about it- Christian school- and she wasn’t on birth control of any sort. The girl freaked out, told me she missed her period. A few days later she told me it was just late, she wasn’t pregnant. The girl dropped out of school the following week.

I just kept on my man whore-ish ways, I was shaken, but also so horny. I started to flirt with this girl, but by then rumors of why the other girl dropped out started to circulate, and I was asked to talk to a "discipler"- a Christian mentor or some shit. My Discipler, Todd, explained that all students get disciplers, but I got mine a little sooner because he knew I fancied the girl that dropped out, and he was afraid of what a broken heart might do to me.

I didn’t want to agree to a Discipler, but I was paired with the Dean of Men. I don’t know why, but I remember at the time thinking it’s not what you know, but it’s who you know. If I had to have a discipler to make it through this year, and I was determined to so my grandfather would pay for my education, then I was okay with the Dean of Men being my discipler.

This brings me to this first entry about six weeks into a full 11 month-long program that left me with a “Biblical Scholar Certificate” and course hours that are only accredited at some schools. Like I said, bull shit.

I wouldn’t even be writing this much at all, but Todd is literally across the desk waiting for me to write a sufficient amount. He wants this journal to be a private reflection of my personal life. He told me he would like me to jot down anytime I get the urge to “lust sexually”- so that I can later look back and see if I can make any connections in my sexually littered mind.

The only thing that writing about sex or my thoughts on sex does, is make me hornier. Which now I have to be incredibly careful about. No one knows why the girl quit, but rumors are spreading about me getting her pregnant. No one has proof of anything, so they haven’t called my mother, otherwise, she was likely to tell them that it was probably true.

After the last girl left, and I jumped over to a new girl, the Dean of Women has been watching me like a hawk. She had probably seen some predators in her time. And truthfully she wasn’t wrong. I loved pussy and I would do anything for it. But I had to make a decision, keep going for pussy and get kicked out of school (it was bound to happen eventually in a close-knit community like this school was), or obey as many of the rules, especially the big ones, as I could and make it through a single year.

It was only 300 or so more days, how bad could it be?

* * *

Not that I expected an answer to the question in my last entry, but I am going to answer it anyway. How bad could it be? Bad. Fucking bad.

I learned today that when Todd said “lustful urges” last time, he meant any impure thoughts. I thought he meant if I looked at porn or jerked off in the wrong place. But no, Todd expressed that self-ejaculation of any sort outside the bounds of marriage with a woman was wrong. Jerking off is wrong?!

I get it if they want me to cut down on porn. I can understand why they would think that. I don’t think that, and I won’t stop, but I figured I’d have to cut back when I got to school. I had no idea that meant that they wanted me to stop altogether!

It hasn’t been easy jerking off here at school as it is. I have a low hanging cock of decent size, I have never been bashful in the locker room. Or anywhere really. I wasn’t opposed to jerking off in my dorm room while my roommate was asleep, it actually excites me a bit, which I never expected. Public jerking off was never my thing though, cause I was always too busy with public sex with women.

I didn’t like to jerk off while my roomie was awake though, he was a fucking prude and if he saw, he would rat on me and I was likely to get in trouble.

That left bathrooms to wank one-off in. But there weren’t many bathrooms around that the staff didn’t use themselves, and fear of getting caught and kicked out really had a humbling effect on me.

Curious, I tried going the last three days without jerking off, and I am about to have a waking wet dream at any moment it seems. Men are not meant to go this long without spanking one out. I will never do this again.

Todd is sitting across the desk from me, filling in and highlighting some workbook that he plans on taking us through, while he waits for me to finish writing in my sexual journal. I’m pent up and actually have a boner as I write this. Todd wants me to think about what “excites me sexually” and to write it down, he thinks that it will help if I put a name to the feelings.

What excites me? Honestly? People staring at my body, whether clothed or naked. I love the thrill of having someone check me out. I love to be naked and have others enjoy me being naked. I also like control, I like having control of others by giving them or denying them what they want, and I love when it’s my body that they want. I also love a fat ass and doing what I am told I shouldn’t. I can’t help it, it thrills me.

As it turns out, I even like it when the attention or fat ass comes from another man.

It was sometime during this 3-day binder of not jerking off that I realized that the guys in this school are very friendly with one another. Since I stopped checking out women as much, I had to, it was seriously getting me in trouble, I noticed guys more.

It wasn’t sexual at first. I thought that maybe if I found a couple of guys to chum around with, maybe I could find some that smoked weed, and we could sneak off together and get high once in a while. That would help the year go faster.

What I noticed was a lot of bromances though. Guys playfully smacking each other's asses. Pinching each other's nipples. Pantsing one another, even underwear sometimes. This all happened in the dorms of course, but that made me realize how much I could get away with in my dorm building.

I’ll admit, my mind has some evil tendencies. I would never have come up with the plan that I have if it hadn’t been for the school denying me sex with women. If I couldn’t have sex with women, and I couldn’t get in any more trouble without getting kicked out- then I would trick some of my dormmates into finding some trouble of their own. Sitting on my dick kinda trouble, I was figuring out about myself that I don’t really care who I have sex with, as long as my dick was wet. With all the suppressed sexuality around me, it shouldn’t be hard to find others like myself.