Ties That Bind: Getting the Most out of Kink as a Couple
Earned Experience on the Do's and Don'ts of Erotic Play
If the title to this post caught your eye than you've probably got a thirst for the not-so-basic side of sex. Believe it or not, a lot of people fall into our group to one degree or another.
The truth is that most people have some sort of fetish, whether they realize it or not. It might be as simple as a little role play or voyeurism, and it might go much further—as in my case—something that might terrify your neighbors or even close friends.
For the sake of disclosure my own fetishes include BDSM, female domination, humiliation (receiving), and any number of things that can fall into (or out of) those categories.
And I have found myself lucky enough to have a partner (my beautiful wife) who not only accepts and tolerates my eccentricities, but also enjoys them and takes an active role in their portrayal and practice. She is obviously dominant by nature.
But things don't just fall into place, believe it or not, when two people (especially two in a longterm relationship) are turned on by the same thing(s). That is something that I have learned over time, and am continuing to learn.
So this post is as much for me to organize my thoughts as it is to hopefully aid some that are just discovering that part of their own selves and starting to share those with their partner(s). If nothing else, I hope it helps to hear from and about other real people who might be going through the same things that you are.
(Disclaimer: These are just my own experiences and they occurred within the confines of a committed and happy relationship, which is (to me) the best way to explore kink if possible.)
Let's jump in. Here are a few key points that I have learned (and am learning) about making a fetish relationship work within a conventional one:
It seems redundant and you might be tempted to skip down to the dirtier details but doing so will cause you to miss out on a lot that can be enjoyed between two people, and it could very well stamp an expiration date on your desired arrangement/activities.
There are going to be things that you are into that your partner is not, and vice versa. That is okay and part of what makes the world go around, as they say. But that doesn't mean that you can't explore different avenues with your partner and, in turn, find things that you absolutely love that you might have never thought you would be in to.
The key to any relationship whether it's the type that makes you laugh at the thought of safe words or the most vanilla of romances is an honest, open line of communication. And in our two-person team I've had the hardest time with this.
Speaking personally, I had/have a built-in stigma with some of my desires and especially when it comes to talking about them frankly. My wife, on the other hand, owns one of the most open, on-the-nose, personalities I have ever encountered. That's part of what attracted me to her.
But whether it's me explaining something that I might want to try, or her telling me she is not completely confident doing something, we can all feel a bit insecure at times. The best way that we've found to eliminate that is to talk openly about what we want. Don't have secrets when it comes to things that involve the other.
If you aren't, you risk insecurities which can lead to tension, doubt, resentment and any number of pitfalls, and worse. Being on the same page will not only allow you to enjoy this part of your relationship, it will help strength your bond which will have a similar effect on the other parts of your intimacy and relationship.
I'm not talking about your ability to do the splits. Although, that can make for some fun rigging positions.
The biggest hurdle I have tripped over while trying to enjoy myself during a "play night" resides inside my own mind. It has nothing to do with my pain tolerance—which my Queen has put to the test numerous times—or the size of butt plug I can stretch to.
Nope. It has to do with the specificity in which I day dream and fantasize, and my own imagination actually limiting my enjoyment.
I find that I can build whatever it is that we are going to do during the upcoming evening into a real-life fantasy in my mind. While it might include a lot of the things that my fantasy would include, it has the discernible characteristic of being real.
This might seem silly given the topic of this post but even the kinkiest of us can get trapped in our own specific box of how we think we want things to go. I actually think the kinkier we are the more prone we are to do this.
For an example, I'll describe a particular "play time" between me and my wife. With our busy and almost opposite schedules, finding a night or morning when we can "play" is not as easy at it used to be. But we had a night planned and it was all I could think about for the two weeks leading up to it.
I had fantasized about being tied up, my Queen putting me into chastity and railing me with Her strap-on for hours upon hours like some porno. She, had other ideas. They involved a much more subdued evening with some teasing, spanking and her having the chance to relax a bit.
I lost out of most of the fun based on a little bit of pouting for not getting my way—image a submissive expecting that anyway. I did Her and myself a disservice by not living in the moment and enjoying our time together.
While fantasies can be fun—and are part of the driving force behind this fantasy world we step into with each other—building something up too much can put too much pressure on your partner, yourself and that time together. It's important to take that type of pressure off of the event and enjoy the space that both of you have taken each other to.
Just remember to be open about what you expect from each other, be flexible, and, most of all, have fun together. If you stick to those loose guidelines, you'll not only strengthen your relationship, you'll learn things about yourselves and each other you never knew.