This Crazy Penis Art Will Give You Nightmares

A whopping 72 percent of men choose overly masculine nicknames for their best friend. They christen their private parts with something they believe defines their machismo. Unfortunately, when these same men introduce their penis to their potential sex partner, 72 percent of women giggle. Ironically 59 percent of these same men claim it was their girlfriend or boyfriend that thought of the name in the first place. Nearly 20 percent say that their partner named the penis within the first two weeks of dating. Hence, time is truly the great equalizer of all things. Hard to keep calling it the Jackhammer at 58.

Now if you haven't given your penis a name, you are in the minority. Maybe you haven’t found the right partner to work it out with. Maybe you prefer just referring to it as "My Cock," "My Dick," or my personal favorite, "My Schlong." It is important in today's era of social dick picking to hashtag the little guy or @ the big fellow’s name. Remember your profile is just as important as your photo. The word penis has a plethora of synonyms but more importantly, every penis is unique and should be perceived as such, even if your are viewing a number of them at once. One individual interviewed had actually named his penis the inhaler. His girlfriend was asthmatic and it turned out he was responsible for her death. If only penises came with predesigned names for the type of sex they'll provide, ill-fated pairings would be far less common.

We present here a veritable gallery of gonadal greats, a pageant of primal priapic endowments and crotchly classics representing some of the most easily recognized archetypes of the common prick. You may have met one or two of our bulging beasts at the last cocktail party you attended, or even on your latest, most disappointing job interview. Regardless of whether their owners named them accordingly, modern women are bound to have hurdled at least a few of these hard-ons. It all goes to show that one man's meat is almost always someone else's poison.

The Triple Threat

Even the most self-confident, sophisticated snatch can’t get a firm grip on this modern mutant. He deals with the schizophrenia of the 70s by showing a severely split personality that's uniquely useless. Straight, gay, or bi, he's got something to offer everyone, or anyone, or anything...

Far East (The Prickly Siamese Twin Situation)

This crank is as cool as a coolie. Esoteric erotic etchings are his calling cards, but his brain has been stir fried. Maidens who meditate on his marvelously molded joint wake up muttering "Go fuck yourself." The groin guru thinks it's a Zen parable...

All Fucked Out

This once manly member feeds on fond memories of a far meatier past. Nowadays, his seduction scenarios read like surrenders—if he submits, she'll be sucking for hours. Out of sheer frustration this flaccid flake may make irrational demands on a damsel—like wearing combat boots in bed. Still, he's quite a predictable prick…

The Well-Dressed Prick

This stylish schlong struts like a rooster, but tends to lay eggs. He may look like a playboy just stepping out of his penthouse, but despite the chic appearance, he's a lowlife hustler. Girls who get addicted to the reek of his Brut or fall for his casting couch line wind up starring with him in eight millimeter loops. This is one fashion plate you wouldn't let your dog lick.

Deflated Dick

Hen pecks and the office hierarchy have taken their toll on this pathetic tool. Abusive bosses and aggressive Amazons populate his nightly nightmares, scaring the starch right out of this squashed stub of a stud. The woeful whang thinks dirty jokes get the girls in the typing pool hot, and then wonders why they just act bothered...

Pricky Mouse

This cock will try and get cute with you. Despite the comic, cartoon appearance, he's been known to get ravenously raunchy when cornered. At his best in dark, damp single's bars, his solitary, beady eye can stare down the cheesiest of vaginas. Don’t rub this rat the wrong way—you might pick up something contagious...

Chain Gang Chubby (The Five-Pronged Overcomer)

Prisoners can be righteous bastards and sex with them can be as dangerous as grabbing the devil by the dork. The chip on his shoulder isn't guilt, and sexual partners who fail to perform on command or can't manage to massage a fragile ego may find themselves on all fours, playing horsey in his stable.

After the success of The Big Book of Breasts, publisher TASCHEN created a perfect companion book for your library. The Big Penis Book may have been too much to schlep around. The more impressive Little Big Penis Book, is cock full of photos and interviews and is portable. It makes a great gift for the nicknamed wonder in your life. A big penis is compelling. Kind of like big shoulders. It makes a statement and it never goes out of style. Those who are endowed with more than 8 inches represent 2 percent of the global population. Yes, that includes China.