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The Unraveling of The 'Virgin'

Written by a curiously angry twenty-five-year-old virgin

By Haley CasonPublished 2 years ago 12 min read
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Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

No penis has entered the halo. I have watched porn. I do have sexual desires and fantasies. I have not touched myself with my fingers or strangely shaped sexual toys. I have not had my first kiss. 

Picture Taken, Edited, and Created By The Author

Someone of my age is usually weird, boring, or ironically innocent; I never had intimate moments such as first kiss, first sexual dream, sex talk with parents (which never happened), however, I am aware of sexual innuendos mean, had many crushes boys-to-men, girls-to-women. I am aware of what sex entails, but my influence on improving that situation has been a sinking ship. However, I live in a society that stigmatizes me for being a young black woman who just happens to be a virgin.

In the spirit of being curiously angry as to why there is a stigma around virginity, especially if you are past your teenage years, there are various opinions on the subject.

Drawing Created By The Author

What did the People think?

I decided to pursue my curiosity by creating a survey called “Being a Virgin, A Stigma, why?”. I shamelessly posted on my Twitter account for good measure, but sadly no response. However, I happen to have a few people in my sadly not-dicked down, not-discovering my vagina unfulfilled life called “Friends” and family.

To go along with my curiosity about this subject, I decided to use the most standard way of asking what the world thinks of “Virgins”. Email and Twitter. I created a google form and sent it to only two of my friends and they sent it out to the world. Now, presenting what do the people think of virgins and virginity. I have also decided to use Google dictionaries to know how virgins and virginity are defined.

The female to male ratio of participants is 4:1. I loved each response and the questions were created with a purpose to examine their perspective.

In the dictionary, a virgin is defined as a person who has never had any sexual intercourse; does that mean penetration by penis, fingers, tongue, vibrator, without a partner? That’s a broad definition. A variety of opinions on the definition is below.

Questions I asked:

1) How do you define Virginity?

2) When you hear the word "Virgin" what is your initial reaction or thought?

Screenshot Taken by the Author

3) What words do you hear that are associated with the word virgin?

4) Name some stereotypes of virgins, positive or negative?

Screenshot Taken by the Author

5) Is it unheard of to be a virgin past the age of 25 years old?

6) In your opinion, can someone who is a virgin learn about themselves sexually before having sex with someone?

Screenshot Taken by the Author

7) Can being a virgin be tied to religious beliefs or a personal choice?

Screenshot Taken by the Author

8) How does society view virginity upon women vs. mean? In your opinion.

As seen in the screenshots, the responses varied and showed the perspective of the individual. My favorite response was answering “How do you define virginity?” It was so literal, honest, straightforward. “Two genitalia toughing each other commonly is penetrating and the other on the receiving end.” As stated, they don’t know enough information to describe virginity when it comes to queer people. These words are not in my vocabulary, maybe because I haven’t read enough to know how to use the words correctly.

What did the World think?

Photo by Liza Ulyanova from Pexels

I found people to answer my burning questions, now it’s time for what the world has written, created, or described when discussing virginity according to google and online dictionaries, and a personal blog.

A Blog Post by Hali Ilivyo

There is an article written by a woman named Hali Ilivyo that discussed the stereotypes of being a virgin. She states that people prefer having sexual relations with someone with decent bedroom skills and experience other than a virgin. There is no obsessive fetish with sleeping with a virgin, while others believe that virginity is overrated.

She lists eight stereotypes about virgins especially older adult virgins. However, I am going to contradict some of these listings because they are perpetuating stereotypes.

1) They know nothing about sex.

The world thinking virgins know nothing about sex is bullshit. The world thinking virgins know nothing about sex is BULLSHIT. If we don’t have a ‘guide’, there is this search engine called GOOGLE that can give results on Erotic novels, television shows, online magazines sources such as Cosmopolitan post about tips on various sexual topics.

Medium publications such as Sexography, Touchpoint, and SEXXX have contributing writers who create personal essays and some tips about the broad topic of having sex and figuring yourself out. If you are lucky to have a partner who is patient and willing to go on the journey with you to discover what turns you on or doesn’t turn you on, and willing to explore all of the fantasies people have; then that’s one in a million.

Sometimes, people grow up in an environment where sex is never discussed, so the journey starts there. Whether they see sex as a taboo topic and they are punched in the face by the reality of it during college or other adult-like events. Once the door opens, it’s scary, weird, fun, and surprising.

The point I am trying to make is that knowing nothing about sex is a part of people growing up. Never stop learning and don’t let anyone tell you that you are weird for not knowing; their circumstances, upbringings, and views are not yours.

2) They are losers.

I believe this is an insult to anyone, not just virgins. To be called dumb or backward is just rude and disrespectful. I do agree that we “suffer” from bullying for not being sexually active as everybody in the room. Again, society labels non-sexually active people as weirdos. However, what does being sexually active mean? Do we need to have a partner to participate in the culture?

I believe I was an oddball for being my age and not sexually active, but as I have come into understanding who I want to be as a woman, I am starting to not care about the opinions of those who see my virginity as a flaw. I am very vocal about my status, and I don’t care who knows because I am taking the power back for myself.

Heck, what if they don’t have any sexual desires=asexual; does that make them losers too. The real losers are the ones who think stigmatizing because their sexual organs are not open for business at the appropriate age. For females, it’s about rejection and not being “woman enough” to please their man or woman in the bedroom. For males, it’s about this stupid belief that they can’t seduce a woman let alone get her to have sex with them.

To those who call virgins losers, odd, weird, backward, dumb, prude, I just have one thing to say……>Get out of my face with that.

3) They are religious.

There are a lot of conversations about sex in the bible. For example, there is a long passage in sex before marriage is considered a sin. In 1 Corinthians 7: 1-40 from the New International Version of the bible. (Said out-loud, 1 Corinthians Chapter 7 verses 1-40); I will highlight certain parts.

“Verse 2) But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.

“Verse 3) The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.

“Verse 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.

“Verse 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command.

I know that a lot of words are being pushed in your brain, but the big book also discusses gay sex as a sin. In the English Standard Version of the Big Book “If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them (Leviticus 20: 13).” And yet, He created LGBTIQA+ people and we are supposed to not love them.

Anyway, being religious and not having sex shouldn’t be put together because that makes people feel better about the reason. First, NOT EVERY VIRGIN IS RELIGIOUS. Second, why is there a stereotype about whether a virgin is religious? Third, it’s their choice in who they decide to have sexual relations with. Fourth of all, IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, unless you ask, and they give that information.

“It could be a reason for them having their virginity intact, but it does not cut across every virgin you meet. (Ilivyo, 2019).”

4) They are emotionally damaged.

Based on my personal experience, I am emotionally damaged from other people, my expectations being too high, romance novels, and having the brain capacity to think about sex. Sexual abuse survivors or anyone who has been touched in not so loving manner involving sex is going to have a hard time letting someone in emotionally let alone physically.

Reiterating, it’s their choice whether to let you in about that otherwise, it’s none of your business. They have to make the choice, don’t force.

5) They become clingy after their first experience.

Sometimes a first sexual encounter with a partner is a milestone for anyone, not just women. Even making out can be a daunting task, because there is a lot of potentials for it to go further. As someone who hasn’t had their first kiss yet, I can see the appeal. It takes courage to give someone that kind of power to be in the same bed with them naked figuratively, physically, and emotionally. With the kind of partner who is willing to wait and stay instead of being impatient which leads to compensating in other ways, clinginess may come.

Another rude stereotype. Everyone is clingy with someone in their lives, sex is one of those moments where sometimes the moment is chosen, or it’s questioned. Once they take the leap of faith, and with the right partner, anything is possible.

It’s up to the person who wants to have sex to make it a special occasion or turn off their emotions to not appear this way. That’s a lot of thinking on top of whether we can please our partners.

As stated in the article, there are a few who have the trait of having an attachment to the person they experienced sex with. However, others do not.

6) They are innocent lambs.

Excuse me, this statement is using synonyms to say that they know nothing about sex. I am not repeating myself.

7) They are boring.

Ever thought that virgins don’t want to engage in a society that sets them up as outcasts. We may not have sexual experience, but personality-wise WE ARE AWESOME. They are just missing out on the fun of being naked.

8) They are weird.

Awkwardness is associated with the word weird because virgins are not knowledgeable about the world of sexual healing. The movements and actions become hesitant. Well, I have a newsflash, being weird is the new normal.

Stop judging people for not having any sexual experience. You had sex when you were younger; great. Do you remember what it was like before entering adulthood? Being an adult is a lot of emotional and mental awareness and sometimes the priority isn’t sex or having relationships with people; it’s about making it to adulthood, surviving, figure out what you want.

Exposing Myself

As stated at the beginning of this article: I am a twenty-five-year-old virgin. There has been a negative view around a subject such as virginity because virgins are mostly known to not have 'popped this cherry' around this age. Well, you are right, but there were two promises I made to myself.

Drawing Created By The Author
  1. If I didn't lose my virginity in high school, I will stay a virgin until I find "the one" or until I am married.
  2. If I am still a virgin past the age of twenty, I will teach myself about sex, before someone else claims to "teach me about sex". I will be the expert on what I like and do not like. 

Now, that doesn't mean I didn't have suitors. I had a total of three dates in my whole life and only two of them respected the fact that I am a virgin.

Picture Taken and Edited by The Author

The 'jack***' as my mother likes the call him, decided to send a text while I was at work: "Hey Haley, when are you going to let me POP that cherry?"

My body was shaking with violent energy, but two things brought me back to reality. One: I was at work. I do not need to show my stereotypical "black anger" at my job even though the level of disrespect… Two: I am going to block this BOY from my phone and never talk to him again.

I hoped my choice to remain a virgin would be an afterthought, but as I grow into adulthood, telling someone I am a virgin would seem very forward As it turns out, they would play it off as they are not interested in that. However, I would rather be upfront than ghosted, gaslighted, and overcompensating sexually or shrugged off later on.

Photo by Malvestida Magazine on Unsplash; Edited by the Author

Final Thoughts

There have always been different standards between men and women. "Women are slut-shamed for losing theirs while men are shamed for not losing it." We live in a world where we are damned if we do or damned if we don't.

I am annoyed by the fact that virgins and virginity are treated as "othered." As one myself, I consider it a compliment to be called all of those words. I had no choice, but to annoyingly embrace another stigma placed upon me. It is our PERSONAL CHOICE to keep out cheery from being popped. It is our choice on when or who WE give our virginity to.

This post was originally published on Medium.

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About the Creator

Haley Cason

Part-Time Writer, Artist, and Patient Transporter. Writes personal essays about subjects that make me curiously angry.

May participate in Writing Challenges and might miss deadlines.

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