The Prettiest Girl in Class

I knew H from back in high school. He was a genius because he skipped a few grades. He was skinny, short and very quiet. He was also very condescending, and now that I think of it why he was so quiet was because his dad switched schools right before his good high school years. He left all of his friends behind, friends he knew when he was a kid. You can say our school was poor, it was not as shiny as his previous school. So you can assume (just like him) that all the people in his new school would be ghetto? No that's not the right word. Let's keep things simple and say they wouldn't have the same sense of humour, they weren't from the same wealthy background as his or his friends, so yeah, I hope you are getting me he thought we were cheap, so he stayed shut and didn't engage much. He didn't come to our final year dance, he wouldn't take part in our school festival. Most importantly, we never talked.

But right after I moved to another city, and later we both got into universities. He started talking to me. Randomly, he would ask me which colour of shoes I think would suit him, and after a few years, he would ask me to play an online game. I would find this weird because we never talked, we were never friends, and it was not like he was bullied or anything I had many friends like him and we always had so much fun. High school for me, especially that year, was the best time of my life. I never found friends like that again, and I stayed connected with everyone despite moving to a different city however, I didn't say anything rather I didn't ask him why we weren't friends back then and why he is so "friendly now".

Because now if I post a story on my Instagram, you know random shit that promotes, larger bodies are beautiful too or like I am a mid-size queen. And he would abruptly reply, "Stop body shaming yourself" (quick note: I was pretty fit back then, but now I have gained like 30 kgs? so I considered myself less attractive so you can say it's an "insecurity"), or back when I would casually say oh it was not a good a makeup day and he would say "Yes, but you don't even need makeup." And it was times like these that I would wonder if he ever had a crush on me.

We are now on different continents, he is getting his PhD, and I am getting my Master's degree. And the day before yesterday we again started talking, and I casually asked him if he ever had a crush on me. And he got VERY serious and asked me what a crush means to me according to my definition. I told him that it's someone you like, like you and you find them attractive. I would go on and explain what a crush meant, and what love is and he said well that's lust. He then said that he has seen the pinnacle of love, the only thing that love didn't give him was physical satisfaction and now he is fighting lust.

I got emotional because I never experienced a great love even from my parents. I have a toxic relationship with my mother and she has caused me great pain. I loved my father but he passed away before I could be mature enough to realize these things. The lack of love in my life made me pursue one guy over the other. I realized that maybe I never had someone love me unconditionally before, that's why I don't even know what it is.

Anyways continuing what we were discussing, he then told me that by my definition a crush is something you sexually desire so yes, I had a crush on you. I asked him why? He said because you were the prettiest girl in the class. I was intrigued, and I asked him what he fantasized about me. He said that he imagined I would give him BJs behind the class podium. And I think something hit him, he said if I ever talked to you back then, do you think we would be in a relationship? I said No because I was in a relationship back then (a story of its own, it caused a lot of trauma, maybe I will write about that too). He asked again, "Yes, but did you ever fantasize about me?", I knew where this was going. He was seeking validation of some sort so I told him that I had a fling with a guy who looked like him, he was short, skinny and was also a genius (it's true).

I am not sure about myself but I think he was turned on. He asked me "So what do you like (in sex)?" I told him of a scene from the South Korean show, "Somebody" where a psychopath is fucking his Tinder date. Her body was covered by a thin linen shirt and you can see her perky taut nipples. The psychopath would lift her body as she would do a pilates bridge, and she would moan "Harder, Harder". This is the scene I like. Might I mention the psychopath also chokes her because she asks him to and she would die, but hey that's not important, what's important is that when he watched this exact scene, he would say, "Oh so you like rough sex?", I said yes but for sex I need emotions, I want it to be passionate, I need to be in a relationship with them to be able to have sex with them like this. But along these lines, I like shower sex a lot. I like to get fucked from behind, against the wall.

Because this whole concept was so new to me, and I was dealing with some "stuff" I told him that I like non-sexual things right now more than sexual satisfaction. I was feeling depressed, and lonely these days and having someone to hold me and to be there with me when I am sad is what I value, because hey? if a relationship happens, sex is a bonus. I made a point here that we are what we are, a man and a woman. A woman wants intimacy and seeks emotional satisfaction whereas a man is seeking sexual satisfaction. I also told him how recently I confessed to a friend who told me he was single, but it turned out he was NOT single and it made things awkward for me, I was embarrassed and I told H that I told this other guy not to tell anyone about my confession, especially his girl, but he did anyway, which made things for me super awkward. I would be stuck in my bedroom having stomach pains because of all the anxiety I had if I had to face them. And because he was a friend and I also know the girl I couldn't do much. H was pissed. He said, "Wow what an asshole". I felt warmth in his response, he cared and agreed that he was an asshole and told me that we just always have to deal with shitty people and we just need to know who is the right one. I was having a shitty day, I told him that there is always going to be one thing or another and because I had such failed relationships and got dumped by one guy or the other it just pushes my self-esteem lower. Anyways, it was off to what he said next. He said, "Well you will have to compromise and not everything works according to your expectations, in the end, we all have to make sacrifices". I told him how I always made sacrifices and compromised but was getting dumped at the end and it's always one reason or another. And he said, "Well only you would know where to draw the line and it's hard to break it up to you right, but your choices aren't great and you don't know how to read people". I told him I believe what people tell me, and despite my intuition and my guts, I take the leap of faith and still take a chance on them. He said, "Well if you made good choices, you wouldn't be like this". And on a deeper level, I agree, I am emotionally slutty. I have never been loved by my parents and I always needed validation on my appearance, on how I looked. I have very low self-esteem. And as much as I love love, I never had it. He said, "Look, you need to develop these instincts now that you are living in a different country, and this helps. You should know how to read people".

He then broke this sad conversation and sent a meme on how breakups are today. And he told me if I ever need emotional support he is there but he prefers physical support, lol. Ugh, I was just being sad and told him how I want to disappear from this world, I want to jump off a cliff and into the water and melt away like cotton candy. And I am tired of carrying this burden caused by other people. He was being funny he told me, "Well I can carry the burden of your legs." I told him about my especially thick thighs. I told him how my ex used to hold my tummy and would say "What's this" and how it crushed my self-esteem. And he said, "Well you should have grabbed his "thing" and asked the same, 'What's this?" I swear it made me laugh so much. But I told him he was very blessed you know 7 inches, nice girth so yeah. He gasped, "Oh fuck, 7 inches, did you measure?", I was like who measures when you are giving a handjob you just do it. He changed the topic he said, "Well some men love thick thighs, you can squeeze his head with your thighs while he is eating you. He told me that when I told him that can I show him what I liked, he thought I was gonna share nudes. I told him, well I am not that physically attractive and I am sorry to double disappoint him. He asked what bra size I am, I am a proud heavy girl who is a C. Honestly, I was gonna tell him, why don't you come to Europe and see them yourself, he said, "Yes, but you can also show them here, it would save me a trip". I told him, I have weird saggy, triangular boobs, it's weird. He then told me that why don't we trade? Like any girl who tries to resist at first and becomes a complete hoe in front of a camera, I told him "Well what if you tell your friends". He said we both need to maintain our image and he is not going to.

So he sent the image of schlong, I also sent him the images of my not-so-attractive breast. He called them pretty. He told me how I am not fat and my stomach is flat. I sent him a full-body picture of what he requested with my sagging bulging stomach. And ladies and gentlemen the whole banter of sexting begins from here. He was seeking validation the same way I did and asked me if I like his dick and if it was "big enough" for me. He later asked for a picture of my pussy. I resisted because I didn't shave, but he insisted, once I sent him the picture of my hairy pussy, he said "Fuck you are so tight!", I don't know what turned me so on and I was also so sad from our talk. You can say I was sobbing in between our sexts. I stopped in between and told him I can't do this. Poor guy, I left him all so horny. But we stopped "sexting" in case you are wondering.

Anyways I also told him I never liked BJs and he said, "Yes, but what if I eat you first? I have done it before." He told me about his latest sex adventure where he ate a girl and she squirted (I don't believe it because I think squirting is fake). And then she would return the favour of giving him a BJ. She would strap his arms and give him the BJ of his life. He told me how he came 4 times and she wouldn't stop. This was not long ago.

He later sent me a video of how 3 girls were lying on a sofa and were all in a trance mode with vibrators in them. He told me how he wished he had the remote to my vibrator. We talked about what porn categories we like. It was 2 am here, and I wanted to sleep, but then he told me how horny he was and how he wished he could graze his dick on my tight pussy and slap it while kissing my neck. He wanted to hear me moan while he eats me. I was touching myself and I sent him a few voice notes of fake moaning. He told me how he wants to tie me and fuck me from behind inch-by-inch. And well we both finished on our own and slept.

However, the next day is when it became freakier. I realized that I can have sexual desires without having feelings for the other person. It was so new to me, I never knew something like this can exist.

And I was asking questions from myself such as does this mean I can just marry anyone and just have sex with them? Is this what people settled for in the past? Just have companionship and not love each other but just have a good time.

I woke up the next morning, wet! So wet and horny and was getting anxious for him to wake up so he could text me back. The wait, the anxiety, and being turned on all day distracted me from everything I planned for that day.