The Pathetic DMs That Will Not Get You in My Pants

My Ashley Madison journey continues. After ignoring it for ten days, I went back to see what was up. I chatted with a few and read other DMs. There were over a hundred winks and favorites (which mean nothing and do nothing by the way), and dozens of messages. At two or three bux a pop, the shareholders must love me and every other woman who signs on.

But enough of that, let’s see what they had to say!

married_women_lover — “Hi”

Me — Hi back! I just wanted to stop in and say that if you expect a woman to respond, ‘hi’ doesn’t cut it. Don’t get excited — this is a public service announcement because I know you spent money on that ‘hi.’ Try — “Hi, I’m so-and-so, like you I’m looking for (whatever I said in my profile), and I hope we get a chance to connect.” Or something like that. I bypassed you when you first sent this because of the hi. I have found someone, but just wanted you to know not many women will respond to a message like that and wanted to let you know. Not to hurt your feelings, but to give you a better chance ;)

married_women_lover — “ “

Me — No! That’s even worse! I hope that’s a joke because it’s very good if it was, Lol. All the best.

married_women_lover — mother chodar…dont talk to me like that, oke??

Me — It’s advice to help you. If you don’t see that, good luck to you papa chodar.

married_women_lover — HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…mother yucker, doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooont do what ur doing lol

I’ve travelled enough to know that “chodar” probably isn’t a nice thing to say to someone, so I figured I’d put it on its head and call him papa chodar. Of course I looked it up and mother chodar means — mother fucker, and is used in India. I’m guessing papa chodar isn’t as popular.

Pro tip — if you’re looking to get laid, you might want to lay off the “mother fuckers” and the “don’t talk to me like thats.” You’ll dry up the old box quickly talking like that.

Andro_man — Hi there, I am Sandy. Thank you for the access to your pics. You are… sexy, very I see we are looking for the same here, on the site for affairs). My interest here is to meet someone for discrete fun with no strings attached. Nothing complicated, drama free and respecting each other. If you are interested I would like to try. To get to know you better and to take part in your casting here)) I am easy to communicate and will be glad to get a reply from you.

Me — Thank you Sandy, and sorry for being late to respond, but I’ve found someone I’m interested in. If it doesn’t work out I’ll be in touch. Can I also say that you’re one of a very few who wrote something worth responding to? If you keep that up I’m sure you’ll find someone.

Life’s too short not to boost someone’s confidence, and despite the mistakes, it sounded authentic. And yes, I’m on a cheating site, because I too am a cheater Sandy.

coolguy2017 — Hi suzie, my name’s Kevin and I think we’re looking for the same thing, message me if you like the pics and we’ll take it from there

Also coolguy2017 — Hi suzie, my name’s Kevin and I think we’re looking for the same thing, message me if you like the pics and we’ll take it from there

I’m not sure if it was a glitch or he cut and pasted his message twice. Anyway, I’m not sure we’re looking for the same thing.

I’m not sure if it was a glitch or he cut and pasted his message twice. Anyway, I’m not sure we’re looking for the same thing.

johnny_b_good — Hi Suzie, thanks for the key you are very pretty. My name is john would you like to chat and get to know each other? I read your profile and I am on the same page 100% and looking for the same.

Me — You’re welcome but I’m a little too thick and a little too old to be called pretty lol. I’ve found someone and wanted to let anyone who messaged me know.

Pretty is a word you should reserve for flowers and women under 25. Pretty women and girls don’t have crow’s feet around their eyes, but beautiful and sexy women can.

lost_looker18 — Just a quick note to say I really appreciated your updated bio about your shortlist! Shows some honest respect for those searching and intrigued by you. Hope it goes well!

I did update my bio to let the men know that if I wasn’t chatting with them, they weren’t the guy. I thought this was a nice message acknowledging that. This is the sort of man I would be interested in, had I been looking, though of course I didn’t look at his profile.

im_more_interesting_than_you — Well good morning!! Thank you for sharing….enough a tease, to keep a man interested!! How are you? In short, we all know why we are here, but everyone has and knows ( or should know) exactly what they are looking for……from your profile, you seem pretty direct….also very interesting.

Me — This isn’t my first time on AM, but my first time here in town. I’ve been at it for a few years and have found the direct approach is best. Honestly, with men, my profile could have said ’hi’ with no pic and I’d be flooded with messages. I offered my private photo to everyone because I forgot to set it as my profile pic. So, with hardly anything written, I’ve had 80+ messages. I have a very specific type, and have found him fairly quickly, so thank you for your interest.

I’m not sure what was interesting other than the picture of my nightgown clad tits and the single line of my profile. My guess is he’s trying to flatter me out of the gate, which is why I basically responded the way I did. This isn’t my first rodeo cowboy.

ramdom_guy — Hi there How are you? Would you like to have a chat?

ramdom_guy — I’m looking for someone respectful passionate and discreet.

ramdom_guy — Are you for real? Lol :)

Me — Yes, but I’ve found what I’m looking for, thank you.

ramdom_guy — Thanks for your reply

I didn’t respond to everyone, but I really liked the “are you for real.” Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, but he’s skipping your house this year because you don’t believe hard enough.

G_Off — Thanks Susie. I’m Geoff. I’m thinking of exiting the site. If you’d like to text, I’m at 212–555–4321. I’m in [local town near you] and would love to talk with you.

G_Off — Oooops, Suzie. Damned autocorrect.

Me — Not having much luck? I’ve never had a problem, but then you probably don’t get 80 messages with a one-line profile without a pic. My pic was supposed to be public but I forgot to do that. My guess is I would have had 200 messages if it was. Anyway, I have found someone, I’m sorry to say, but don’t give up, you’ll get there. I’ll look at your profile and let you know if it could be spruced up.

Me — I see that you’re single. That’s a deal-breaker for me and probably other married women, so if you aren’t getting any interest that might be it. My affair partner needs to have as much to lose as I do, and that means a marriage. Call it an insurance policy. Otherwise you sound nice ;)

Geoff was a bit older and I liked his style. He’s the sort I might meet for a coffee and to see if there was chemistry, but really, single men just aren’t safe bets. Men get the wrong idea from a little pussy being thrown their way, and a single guy just might blow up your life because he has nothing else to lose.

King_Carma — “Hi”

Me — … Also, you’re a little too young for me, thank you, Sue.

I gave him the same “hi” speech as papa chodar above. And yes, I meant *too*

two_tatts — Hi there…..I’m a fit business professional in Ottawa who is looking for special fun with a lady that knows what she wants in and out of the bedroom. I’m open minded, discrete, irreverent, like to laugh, 2 tattoos, always well dressed and groomed, and like the same. Message me if you want to chat.

This one sounded interesting, so I didn’t message back, just in case it got out of hand…

Milf_hunter_01 — Hey there how might you be doing today? Wondering if by chance you might happen to have any interest in a younger fella

Me — No, but thank you for asking ❤

This guy was 28. Although my profile said 44, I’m almost 50, and the one and only young guy I went with had a nickname for his penis — the Beast. I wrote about it, but he sort of put me off the younger crowd. It didn’t help that I felt a little vulnerable being naked and saggy in front of him. I find older men appreciate a mature woman’s body a bit more.

Milf_hunter_02 — Hey there, I’m not sure exactly the man your looking for but I’m 5"10 and 230lbs built muscular. If that’s your style message me :) I wouldn’t mind getting to know you

Me — Lol, not bad, but do you think you could find 20 extra years by New Years? My daughter is almost your age, and I just can’t, sorry. I tried and it didn’t work ❤

Milf_hunter_02 — Damn no I dont lol but tbh i only meet older woman on this site and so far so good Haha. Give me a chance, I’m not like the rest

It really is the age, but I do have to say, if he was as he said he was, he was hitting the right numbers. All but his age — another 28 year old…

Ryetin343 — Hi Suzie, I like to give oral sex and I will think of you before me and you will not be disappointed. If you like to cum several times let me know.

I didn’t answer, but interestingly, I read somewhere that men who talk about oral often have plumbing problems. I do however appreciate a good tongue lashing from a skilled orator.

Sharkboi — Did I loose the chance?

Me — You didn’t lose the chance, I’ve connected with someone else, sorry :)

Sharkboi — Good luck then. If you think we could get together please be in touch.

Sharkboi — For some reason I had a good feeling about you.

Me — Awe, I’m sorry! Best of luck, Sue

Sharkboi — Thks dear.

I was being kind, but I’m not sure how he would have gotten the good feeling from me. There was a zip in my profile, though the picture was good. Someone who gets a good feeling from that little is someone you probably don’t want to date. Keep your feels to yourselves boys!

Other than having fun, if you take anything away from this, it should be what a message should and shouldn’t look like. Also, ladies, it doesn’t hurt to interact with guys even if it isn’t going to happen. It’ll make them feel good for the money they spent on reaching out.

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© Teresa J. Conway, 2021