The Exquisite Art of Dirty Talk

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man (or woman) in possession of a good fortune, wants to be talked to like a dirty little sex slave. That's Jane Austen baby.

In my experience, dirty talk — well, good dirty talk — is one of the most widely welcomed enhancers of a sexual experience. As you get to know a lover, being able to dynamically stimulate their minds as you are pleasing them physically .. that’s the dream.

But the problem is dirty talk is hard, and everyone has a different definition of what is good dirty talk. And even trickier, what we want in dirty talk varies according to the mood we are in, at the moment. So, what are some tricks for good dirty talk?

Know your partner, in and out of the bedroom. This is the basis for any good dirty talking (and sex, I would argue). In my experience, dirty talk with a new partner is tricky. Even if you know them reasonably well outside of the bedroom, it's tough to know things like how raw and explicit they like to be when you are between the sheets; whether they like a drawn-out story or just enjoy you telling them how good it feels to be with them; do they like really explicit or gentle language.

Start cautiously. Start by telling your partner how good it feels to be with them, and what you like about different parts of their body. Everyone appreciates that. Their reaction, and how they engage, will tell you if they want more. It will tell you whether they prefer silence and simply being in the moment. It will tell you if they want more of the same, or maybe something a little spicier.

Ramp up with caution and confidence. I’ve been surprised at how dirty the gentlefolk tend to like their dirty talk. I will own the fact that I’m a pretty genteel guy. I was raised to be polite, not swear, be highly respected. And my wife and most of my friends are very simple. Not to put a fine point on it.. but we’re pretty refined. So, how surprised was I when — years ago — my wife and I were having sex and she said ‘tell me what a dirty little cock whore I was’. I kind of fumbled it that first time, but have gotten a little better.

Find out scenarios that turn them on. A favorite partner of mine is wildly turned on by the loss of control and the idea of being used sexually. One of her favorite scenarios is that she can’t pay her rent and her landlord is demanding she does dirtier and dirtier things in order to make up the hundreds or thousands of dollars she is short that month. We may be having — physically — pretty basic missionary sex, but she loves being told that if she wants to keep her apartment she is going to have to give up her ass to him, or take his load on her face. She completely loses herself in the abandonment of it all.

Take your time. I find that the key to dirty talk is to create a mood and languish in that mood for a while. Sex is not a series of sharp jabs... it's a journey. Your dirty talk should be the same.

One of my covid resolutions was to get better at dirty talk… I had kind of forgotten that, but I’m putting it back on the list.