That Time I Used a "First Slap" Instead of a "First Kiss"

We had met on Plenty of Fish, or POF as it is known in the streets. Her, a manager at a fast food restaurant, me, a depressed, angry man trolling the internet for degrading sex. She wasn't as attractive as I would have preferred, but then again, this was at a time in my life when I had zero preferences, so maybe that isn't even a true statement. If digressions are a pet peeve, stop reading now. I honestly can't remember if I was in good shape or fat at the time; this was years ago and my weight fluctuates more than Oprah's, but let's just say I was, because it paints a better mental image of me in your head sans gut.

I don't ever really try on a dating app, or even dates I go on with dating app women, except for this one time where I scared this absolutely stunning woman when I stupidly mentioned that a witch had happened to put a curse on me (I thought it was a funny story but apparently people who believe in magic want to avoid those who have been cursed), so a lot of the flirting I was doing with her was a tad violent. I was basically doing my best to channel a mixture of James Spader in Secretary and Larry The Cable Guy because I haven't watched or read 50 Shades to be able to make a joke about it, and this girl was eating up my shtick like one of her morbidly obese customers shoveling down a bag of dollar burgers. When we did decide to meet, it was just for coffee late one night at a Denny's, because #1. I didn't want to be seen with her by anyone reputable and #2. knowing this would be a "separate checks" date, I didn't want to spend much money and be able to sit there all night. Waffle House would have been too intimate for my needs, so Denny's got the honors.

So we're sitting there, drinking coffee for about an hour, maybe ninety minutes, and while we did exchange some funny "work" stories (because I too was working in a kitchen in or around this time), it was mostly me quizzing her about her sex life, and then pulling out a story to top every one she threw me. Some of them were the absolute God's honest truth, others I remembered like I had made them up yesterday. The important thing was there was no deviation in my body language or speech pattern, so even someone who studied F.A.C.S. would have had a difficult time ascertaining which stories were of the fictional and nonfictional varieties. And someone who studied the facial action coding system in her spare time she was not.

When we were leaving, I made sure to tell her that she shouldn't get in my car, and instead should get in her own and drive home, citing her own safety as the main reason why. Obviously she walked with me to my car and got in. I drove down the road a bit, and then, feeling ballsy, decided to just smack her in the face instead of kissing her. I demanded she unzip me and pleasure me orally, and boy did she ever oblige. I pulled over in a nearby residential area, and just sort of went to town from there. While I'm at least enough of a gentleman to not go into explicit detail of all of our evening together, but a particular comedic moment arose when a man walking down the street had clear view of us, as I had her bent over the trunk of my car and was fucking her from behind right there on the street. But I will say this; I got enough striking practice in to pass for a boxer's training session. This woman loved getting hit; she couldn't get enough of it. That might be a good chunk of the reason I'm not in prison right now.

I don't really recommend you trying this at home, in fact, even if you know what you're doing and have read my article on the step by step methodology to make this work, risking your freedom for a sexual thrill probably isn't the wisest thing you can do. While I don't regret doing this, as it does make for an entertaining story, I totally recognize how stupid it was to do. I'll also say, while it is incredibly depressing how broken most people are and how that affects our day to day activities, it's also funny is you look at it in a way that won't depress you (a practice I wouldn't more heartily recommend).

Also, if you hit women for any other reason than to give them pleasure, you're a scumbag and need to change your ways.