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Tell Us You're Bad In Bed Without Telling Us You're Bad In Bed

We can spot how bad you are in bed from a mile away.

By Ellen "Jelly" McRaePublished about a year ago 8 min read
Image created on Canva

It's rare I spend time finding priceless insight about sex on Twitter. 

But the other day, I stumbled across this quip and I couldn't keep scrolling. Even if I wanted to.

I saw this tweet from a couple of months ago, reposted about a tweet from last year.

Now, normally I would blur out names and handles but this is all public on Twitter. And it's not about the people involved.

Keemstar, an American YouTuber, tweeted the following:


I don't know if what he said was taken out of context here. Or if it was a joke or anything like that. But it was what MFWitches responded.

The whole exchange made me laugh pretty damn hard. MFWitches had a point; tell me you're a dud root without telling me you're a dud root.

And in the spirit of discovering this brilliant piece of advice, I thought I would add a few examples to the list.

You prefer to have sex with less experienced people

Here is the basic rule to life; the more experience you get developing a skill, the better you are at the skill. That same rule applies to sex.

As a generality, you're going to be better at sex the more you have it with different people. Getting better at sex is all about the two v's; volume and variety.

As you get more experienced and better at sex, you know what's good and what's bad. But when you're inexperienced, you have nothing to measure against. Or what you do have to measure it against is quite limited.

When you're bad in bed, you go for people who don't know you're bad in bed. You go for inexperienced people because they won't know your moves lack any pleasure. You need someone who won't see through how bad you are.

By the way, as you can see by the example posted online, people will justify going for inexperienced people with convenient reasons.

I know you could say that younger people get you. You connect better with the younger generation. You find people younger than you more attractive and sexually compatible with your style of sex. Or like in this tweet, you think the younger generation is nicer to your appendages.

You can come up with as many reasons as you want.

But let's face it, no matter how you justify it, people are going to assume you're a dud root because of who you choose to sleep with. 

With youth generally comes inexperience, a cliche that stands true in most situations.

You prefer to have sex with "desperate" people

If the people who know you were to evaluate your type in the bedroom, they would categorise your ideal mate as desperate.

You only sleep with people who society finds ugly, dateless, and unable to find people to have sex with because of some sort of social abnormality.

Now let's not get into the subjective nature of how you define desperate people. Everyone is desperate. You can classify everyone as ugly and undateable should you want to find a reason.

And this isn't to say that cliched "desperate" people don't have moves. This isn't that debate, and I'm not having it with anyone who tries to start it.

It's not about how society finds them; it's about how you, the dud root, define them.

You target people who you believe other people don't want to sleep with. It's because you believe they will take anything. And you know, deep down, you're "anything". 

You don't have the moves but you know they aren't in a position to complain. 

Beggars can't be choosers is a motto you consciously or subconsciously live by.

It's always the other person's fault

What got me most excited about this tweet was this response.


Let's say it again so we can give it a big, fat old amen! 

A poor tradesman always blames his tool(s).

I have to admit I never thought about our bodies in the tradesman-like analogy before. I'm kicking myself because it's so true, it hurts.

I guess I always thought of your sexual tools as the body parts you have, not the people you sleep with. 

But without objectifying humans, the person we have sex with is a tool in the sex process. I mean, it's not sex if you're not doing it with someone else.

You know you're a dud root when you constantly, adamantly blame the other person for all your poor sexual behaviours. 

Every time you have sex, it's the other person's fault. You take zero accountability for your part in the process or experience.

Now, there is going to be a stack of sex and relationship storytellers, myself included, who we can use this against. I've written about my bad experiences in bed and had trolls point out to me that I'm the common denominator in those scenarios.

If we're being real here; everyone has bad experiences in bed. Everyone. And I write about the bad ones because they're more entertaining. Plain and simple.

It's not about one, two, three, or ten bad experiences. This is about all your experiences being bad because of the other person's behaviours. It's about your inability to take accountability.

By the way, in case you're wondering, self-reflection is key here. 

If you harbour an inability to self-evaluate your performance without evaluating the other person at the same time, welcome to dud root territory.

Your experience never lives up to the expectations

Everyone has expectations about what sex should be like. You build up those expectations based on your previous experience. 

You know what feels good to you, because of the pleasurable times you've had in the past. 

It's a pretty logical system.

Yet, when your expectations for sex come from watching it, not having it, you're likely in the dud root category.

When you've idolised sex from porn and pornographic-like material, you form an expectation that is fantastical. And exaggerated compared to real-life sex with someone who isn't a porn star (gender irrelevant).

With such expectations comes your set of moves. If all your positions, motions, and speed have come from what you've seen in porn, there is no doubt you're a dud root.

Whilst porn is a great place to learn, it's not the only sex education that should contribute to your moves. People who are good at sex take porn with a grain of salt, under advisement, if you will.

This isn't about porn bashing. I'm also not suggesting that you stop watching it either.

But dud roots tend to have this idea about sex that isn't just true. It then spirals into other areas I've mentioned. 

You only like inexperienced partners because that's the type of porn you like. Or what you've seen. You blame your tools because you're convinced you know better because of how much porn you've watched. How can anyone blame you?! 

You've been studying your porn, right?!


You can only have sex in one spot

Do you find yourself unable to have sex unless you're in bed? Or you can only have it in the shower? 

Well, I'll put it this way; one set of moves, without deviation, doesn't make you good in bed. Even if every person you sleep with tells you those moves are dynamite, I beg to differ.

Though we all have our preferred places and positions to have sex in, this isn't about preference. 

It's about ability. 

You're likely to be a dud root if you can only have sex on a bed. In missionary position. With the lights off, for example. Everything has to be a specific set way or it doesn't work.

I'm sure you could justify this by the way. Don't get me started on excuses again. Yet, the key to being good in bed, for most people, is that you're interesting. 

You're unpredictable in the best possible way. 

Every time with you is different but with the same guarantees of pleasure. And you can be adaptable to what the other person wants.

There is a reason we have the karma sutra. The book doesn't have one position in it.

At a basic level, partners expect you to be more than a one-trick pony. And if you are, you're quickly tossed to the dud pile. They know what they're getting and they know there isn't anything more to it.

You're a superficial root. What you see is all that you're ever going to get.

Sex doesn't do it for you

There are people who don't harbour any sexual desires or feelings; asexuals. This isn't about them, at all.

This is about how you want sex, crave sex, find sex and have sex, and then feel the dreaded disappointment that comes from all your sexual experiences. It has nothing to do with the expectations I mentioned earlier either. 

You have no expectations because nothing ever does it for you.

Why could this be?

Well, it might be because you're the dud root who doesn't get involved. No participation medal for you.

Sex is a two-way street. You have to put in the same amount of effort as the other person to get results. You have to move your hips, talk dirty, kiss, lick, and thrust.

You can't expect the other person to do everything for you. You're a total starfish, once again gender being irrelevant.

You don't take any accountability or action for your part in sex.

It's only logical, too. You can't be the fastest runner if you don't run. You can't be a weight lifter if you don't pick up the weight.

You can't be good at something you don't participate in.

So, are you a dud root?

Well, only you and the people you've slept with can answer that question.

But if you've read everything, understood what I'm saying, and are feeling defensive, I've got a pretty good guess.

People who are good in bed don't need to defend themselves. In-person. Online. Nope.

They let their moves do the talking, not their excuses.


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About the Creator

Ellen "Jelly" McRae

I’m here to use my wins and losses in #relationships as your cautionary tale | Writes 1LD; Cautionary tale #romance fiction |

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