Stranger, like me

I remember the first time I fucked a complete stranger. I remember being done and bolting off his bed, pulling my jeans on while looking for my underwear. “There!” As I picked them up off the floor tucking them in my back pocket like a dirty rag. Then, turning around in that dense awkward stench heading towards the door… “Hey” his voice like the sound a train would make in a cartoon. “Here you go” he said, as if I had just won a prize. This guy had somehow; in lightning time speed, managed to write down his name and number on a crinkled up napkin.

“Here’s my number!” he said, and as he reached out to hand it to me. I grabbed it, looked him straight in the eye and said “What for? I’m not gonna call you.” He looked at me, the way you’d look at old mustard in an otherwise empty fridge. I shot him a “Take care, man” that just bounced off my chin, not really strong enough to hold any thing, let alone my face. It got heavier in that room real quick so I just left, left the name, left the number, left the remorse. I left the napkin too. I never before noticed how great it felt to leave all that inside. Being outside, I could breathe again. Got in my car, rolled down the windows, #4 on that CD finally made sense. It became my motto, my favorite song, my arms stretched out like I could go anywhere I wanted and I could. I never went back. I was flying. I was flying.

Honestly, the sex was ok. If it wasn’t I think I’d remember it. The aftermath, just extra for no reason. I didn’t mean or want to be rude but I wasn’t going to lie either. Let’s be realistic, after a night like that who calls anyone back?? So why lie about it. A simple “take care” is polite, honest and also taken as an implied…. “I’ll never see you again, so be well.”

Why bite my tongue? Why try to repress my natural response? Why try to filter my instinctual reflex? Why the sugar coating? I suppose my filthy grin when I felt free enough to let the arrogant disregard out did something for me… This was my first time.

What is funny about when someone says “I’ll call you”, when they as well as you know that they don’t intend to. You know you won’t, they know they won’t. I think it’s because perhaps they fear that the truth will hurt your “feelings?” Leave you “devastated?”

Awww, Seriously, I think certain tricks think they meant that much. Maybe, because they are tricks they also feel magical? It’s impressive how easily fucking one just right can make some delusional.

Nobody on this earth has the power to hurt me. I am convinced, still some can mess with you pretty bad. Make you go against your own nature. Make you feel bad enough to waste some time writing some shit like this. Has someone ever hurt you by making it obvious that there are other places and people he would rather be around not only soon, but also for the last 10 minutes? Since the last mentioned, how he wished to go home then. I wasn’t prepared to play the truck that parks behind you when you are late for work and have to wait for to move; so you can back out and be on you’re way. It was so easy to make it seem like I was just the same. Just a jam in his traffic. WTF? Especially now that he had already extracted what he needed. And now he seemed happy to be the one from which he took and from which I had taken from as well. Although now it was more like something I found dumpster diving. A few minutes before…. it was so much more. 10 minutes before that time, I remember then, when. He seemed to be not just happy but really really happy. And I was, the reason Ofcourse… Then, when I smiled proud, the way welfare mothers feel when they get jobs and pay they own shit. It feels good. Anyone, half as dumb would have felt it the same.

So no hard feelings, we are all one lesson away from feeling that there are men that we were never really good enough for and one ugly creepy guy away from the other direction. Still, there are some types of sorrow that are so childish and benign…

Its by no chance such a frivolous play on words and gestures were to take on the weight of substantial. But could I ever feel that it was devastating? I was after all just as much, a stranger to you as you to me. Layered underneath so many pieces of personas manifested. Was any part of me, unprocessed even there? Would it matter to you anyways? I hope you got your time’s worth? Now that it’s out? Did it change your priorities too or just mine? Could I ever feel that I even knew you then? Do you follow me? Did you know me even for the last hour? Do think, I saw past my own presentation so to see a glimpse of you?

Did you know that I got younger boys, I’ll call them. Boys that have harder bodies who bring their own drugs… I must be doing something right…Maybe this isn’t the sort of substance that should inflate my head. Still, i use it when I’m feeling like someone used me. Even if it was for my amazing mouth or a good fuck. It serves its purpose that these hot boys exist in my life. For me the fact that it isn’t all about drugs and that it isn’t all about taking and taking and taking, justifies the giver in me. Still, if it’s my dick they want to take take and take, then fuck God bless them.

Tonight, should I have not given the 34-year-old soccer player from Caracas the permission to take his mouth to my neck and meet his thirsty wet mouth to my clean but vulgar one. Almost kissing but not quite paying attention to his clenched teeth. His mouth so restrained, teeth clenched of course, the way i told him i liked to see him.... it was hot the way words are always hotter when you don’t allow them. And so what happens is that his expressions and yours become the language by which you communicate. I heard lust and fear and it was loud and clear yet wordless. Its not that silence is perfect but more like I want to be lost in some trancy drum beats or more like you wouldn't want the words to be the wrong words, Words have the power to ruin the moment and you don't want to hear them. So instead you yell out... "shut the fuck up" and that drives him crazy.

You don't want to hear anything that's not half as raunchy as you're feeling. Then he said, He knew it was an act but i didn't need to know that; I knew it was an act. I'm not one to ruin a good show. Yeah, I trust myself most of the time when it comes to shit like that. Oh how far I've come. To just let him get away with this. Trying to make me feel stupid and its turning me on - that he thinks that I'm stupid. It shows me how dumb he really is which is perfect. Intelligence would be interesting and that's the last thing that I want to be… is interested. Knowing the whole time that when we would be alone later again that night, we would talk of his imperfections and he would pretend that he did not like his form. Of course he would tell me he had never felt like such a bitch.

Men love to feel like whores. That may be the most righteous conclusion I have ever come up with. The most important lesson writing about this has taught me is this. Men love to feel like whores. It’s like an epiphany.

Which is not true for me considering i think I’m exactly a Man... at least I walk and talk like one. Inside I’m 100% female. No lie. I took the test. Which is why maybe I need more than some anonymous Fuck, no matter what he looks like. My goal is not to fuck as many men as I can. I don’t get frequent fucker miles or points for that. It doesn’t fulfill me in any way… still, I would never criticize a man either way that way. Not for being a bitch in my bed.

That's what really bothered me. Scrutiny like that isn't kind at all and so it really holds no purpose. What bothered me was my own thoughtless thinking about the whole thing. Is it even worth my thinking about whether I'm right or just way off about this. Why do i care, because its not me....it’s an oxymoron isn’t it? to overthink about a moron?

He knew what he wanted me to do the fact that he got it without even having to ask.... and then on top of it I know he's never had it better. I saw it in his face. The joy i brought him. I did feel like it feels when you are the pavement that covers an entire empty parking lot with one large light post that just lights up the whole night sky. Light up for no reason, really. I didn't want to move and so I just didn't. I just asked him to sit on the light post and try to break it down and while he swayed back and forth rocking all over the fucking hard. I told him I would destroy him. I reached up and pulled his shoulders down towards me like I was climbing a cliff. “ Him, so enthralled as i filled and emptied him the way I knew I had to do if I truly wanted to destroy him the way I told him I would. I love that he wanted to kiss but also the fact that we never kissed. He tried but i needed more control. I didn't want to kiss him just because he wanted to kiss me.... Why? I wanted him to feel empty.

Empty, like me.

After all he was getting me to do something that I never do. Every so often I would smile. Do snakes smile? If snakes smile, I know how to smile. He yells out "that's the way a man should fuck! "that's the way a man should fuck!" Im already bored and thinking “Are the fucking neighbors home?!?

And how would I know? How a real man should fuck? I never let anyone fuck me like it didn't matter if I came out of it alive or not. I want my ass to work correctly by the time I’m 40. For sure though, there is no man on earth who would not love to hear those words.

Yeah the kind of words I may use one day if I'm ever with someone who might just want to finish already.... I hope that never happens. I was really good, its not what he was doing at all. it wasn't about what he was doing.

Truth is I had to let myself live vicariously through him while I fucked him because he didn’t do much of anything. I was bored as fuck. Angry enough to fuck him harder, but I can't change the way that I thought as soon as I was done with his body and he was done using mine. In a split second you can go from I kinda like this guy, he seems cool and hot too. I just want to talk, kiss and get in there and then in a flash, you can get to "get the fuck off me!" in Just a matter of seconds. Sex like this is so temperamental, unpredictable. It can go either way… it can be the best or the worst.

Oscar Wilde said "Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power."

And this isn’t even sex it’s about fucking, fucking like this, with resentment is about taking what you think you need. Not listening to the stuff in the back of your brain that knows that what I need is so much more than anything that makes me feel and actually say “get the fuck off me” when I'm done. What makes you tell another human being “ I want to destroy you?” That’s not sex, that’s anger.

Still, think about it… I'm doing what I said I would never do... So there's something, he won and I got fucked after all. Maybe I am just doing the best I can to tread over a sea of soul less beings searching for some truth in an artificially processed intimate few hours. I think I wanna be able to love more than I need someone to love me. Maybe I’m in denial and I wanna be either loved or just break someone seriously. Really destroy another person so that I can feel like I affected them for more than just a few hours. Is that what it would take in my world, so full of numbness. I Just don’t want to break someone too much so that they end up writing shit like this. Just somewhere in between. The truth is, I just want to lay here and talk and fuck and not really cuddle and I don't need to know when you want to leave…unless, I have somewhere I need to be but if there’s was.... you wouldn’t be here. So don’t go, I’d like you to stay… But if you do go, I’d like that too. I’d like that just the same.

Daniel