Stranger Dick

This is one of those moments where I wish I had an iPhone so I could take a screen shot of my contact list or text thread just for the sake of showing you that the story I'm about to tell you is 100% true. I almost titled this one "Why I Deleted My Adam4Adam Account" but considering this is how he's saved in my phone I decided to go with the more concise "Stranger Dick."

It was a surprisingly warm night in January and I was sitting in my room attempting to bore myself to sleep with the lackluster men of adam4adam when I started getting messages from a guy who seemed a little too hot to be scamming ass at 5am on what was now a Sunday morning. I had a really bad habit of drinking way too much redbull and/or 5 hour energy shots at the bar where I was working at the time and this late night wandering eye had seen all of Hell's Kitchen's late night "finest" at this point so I was taken a little off guard. We started talking on gchat and he was pretty dead set on meeting me right then but that was going to be a little difficult for me because I was waiting on a coworker's boyfriend to come pick up his car keys. You see, after a long taxing night of serving the drunk douchebag homos of Manhattan (a job I was fired from 2 weeks later... note the title of the blog), two of the guys and I went to the diner down the street for some fatty food therapy like we usually did on such nights. The next thing we know there's a drunk coke-head idiot screaming at us for using "derogatory remarks towards homosexuals" (which obviously makes sense considering all three of us are gay) and the Puerto Rican couldn't take it anymore so he beat the shit out of the drunk fool. Long story short we go back to my house and the hot-headed latino gets arrested so obviously I'm in no place to be having an anonymous internet hookup while Marc's poor boyfriend is on his way to my apartment to pick up his keys and try to figure out how to get him out of jail.

Needless to say we decided to push it back a night. Meanwhile, he decides that just him fucking me isn't enough and that he needs this to be a threesome situation... Well, who am I to deny him such a simple request? Naturally I agree and he sends me pictures of three potential candidates all of which were tall dark featured muscular guys (not mad at that) and one of these three just so happened to be a pretty well-known (and hot as shit) male dancer who I, at the time, had a major crush on. So I approve all three guys and then he throws another fucking curve ball at me... Now he's decided that he wants to set up this "sexy scenario" where (get ready for this...) I'm on all-fours in the middle of an abandoned room (he just so happened to have an empty unlocked apartment in his building) and either himself or the random third comes in and starts eating my ass with me not knowing which one it is until the other one gets there and I can see both their faces. Looking back, that has got to be the sketchiest situation I have ever heard of (let alone been apart of) but like usual, my libido took over and I somewhat reluctantly agreed. We decided on a time (which was 3am, right after I got off work the next night) and a plan to fuck was made.

The following evening, once I cleaned the bar and shut everything down, I took a couple of shots and started walking to the empty apartment. I walked right by the building's door guy because coincidentally enough it was in the same building my ex lived in when we first got together. All I needed was a simple "Hey Teddy!" and the clueless bastard didn't even look twice. Once I got in the apartment everything was as he said it would be... Post-it on the door, second room on the left, towel in the floor and all that jazz. So I emailed him that I was there (he wouldn't give me his number, which should've been clue #176) and got "ready to go." I left my jockstrap on so my ass was exposed but in case Chris Hansen came in with a camera guy and asked me to take a seat I at least was a little covered. The next thing I know a guy comes in and things start going as planned... however (not a word you wanna hear in a story like this, right?) once I got a look at this guy I realized that he wasn't the guy I had been chatting with nor was he any of the three from the pictures I had approved. No bueno. Then he said to me "So when is your buddy getting here?" which is when I realized that this guy had no idea who this random stranger was either and that we had both just been set up. Did that stop us from having sex? Hell no! And in all he was actually pretty damn good at it. So we finished, cleaned up, and exchanged names and numbers. I obviously forgot his name 3 seconds after he said it to me because I was too busy worried about there being some Paris Hilton style night-vision porn of me getting plowed in a jock strap on the floor of an empty apartment and have it almost ruin my career like an aspiring Broadway dancer who fell into porn after a European tour and has a crotch reminiscent of a Muppet character.

After that long 7 block walk home, I got on a4a and deleted my account entirely for fear of letting myself do something that stupid again and tried for a hot second or two to remember his name so I could save it in my phone but eventually gave up and typed in the words Stranger Dick. I e-mailed the gchat stranger (at this point he's now more of a creeper) and asked what had happened to which he replied "My boyfriend called and got suspicious so I couldn't come." and I never heard from the guy again. Stranger Dick and I would dirty text occasionally but nothing ever came of it and I eventually forgot what his face looked like. It got so bad that when I saw a guy who had anything close to Italian features I assumed it was him and got the hell out of there as quick as I could to avoid confrontation. On more than one occasion, I saw a guy I thought could be him so I would send him a text to see if the guy I was looking at checked his phone and/or he responded. Like I said, the sex was good (and his dick was HUGE!) so definitely would've tapped it again but he always had really bad timing and his flirting was usually pretty dorky which is always a turn-off for me. I think the deal-breaker for him came when he sent a text that said "You haven't accepted my Facebook friend request" which means that I actually saw his face on the internet and didn't recognize him. Oops. I mean, come on! That was like 6 months later! Do you know how many people I had slept with in those 6 months? Cause I sure as fuck don't! After that he gave up on the random dirty texts and I think I've heard from him maybe once since. But at the end of the day I still get a chuckle (and my friends get a good belly laugh) every time I scroll through my contacts and see "Stranger Dick." :)