Stop Pretending to Cum

Stop Pretending to Cum

Why do women pretend to cum? Maybe not all do, but I know I have. In fact, I know all my friends have as well. I have slept with well over 50 guys, and I can count how many times I have actually came from sex, but the number of times I have faked it is so high I can’t even ballpark it.

Why can’t men make us cum? I think it’s because we (as women) pretend to cum when we actually aren’t.

Or maybe we just don’t know if we are cumming. I remember having a conversation with a group of female friends in my early twenties and they were ecstatically speaking about how their partner ALWAYS made them cum. So, because I didn’t want to seem weird or like an outcast, I would also lie and respond with “yeah, yeah me too….” when the whole time I was actually thinking, “I dont think so… what is an orgasm during penetrative sex anyways?” Now in my late twenties, I think why was I (and the other women) so ashamed to admit the truth? Why did I lie? Why didn’t I just admit that I actually wasn’t sure if I had an orgasm or not?

I can make myself cum playing with my clit, and I have had maybe 3 or 4 guys be able to do the same when they were fingering me or eating me out… but an orgasm during penetrative sex? I am 28 years old and I am still confused if I have ever actually came during sex.

Sex feels good, and sometimes mind blowing incredible, but is that an orgasm?

Why do we pretend to cum during sex? Here are the reasons I have pretended in the past:

I have done it in sheer bliss just for the sex to be over, because it is so fucking awful. Wow. that’s very misleading to this guy who is gonna go fuck all these poor women after me thinking that his terrible performance was somehow giving me earth shattering orgasms and making me shout “I’m cumming, I’m cumming!” When in reality, I just said that so he would stop fucking me and get the hell out of my house so I could get myself off.

When guys ask me after sex if I came, I usually say yes, just to make them feel good. The sex could be amazing, and I don’t want him to feel bad (here I am, catering to the fragile male ego).

I also think I would just tell the guy he made me cum, because I don’t know what cumming from penetrative sex feels like. There is no definition for it on the internet, and every woman is different. Maybe it’s because a clit orgasm is just so incredible, I’m looking for that during sex?

Sex still feels phenomenal without me cumming. I can still get turned on and love every minute of it, but I don’t think I cum (or always need to cum) for it to feel so amazing, and that’s alright.

We should have more open and honest conversations with men and women about orgasming and what feels good (and what doesn’t). Sex should not be a shameful topic, and everyone has sex, so why don’t we talk about it more openly and socially?

I’ve practiced breaking out of the social pattern by being honest and saying the following things:

“This feels really good but I’m not gonna cum right now”

“I love it when you do this… this might make me cum.”

“Please stop, I am not feeling this anymore.” (This one can be hard).

“This doesn’t feel good… let me show you what I want” (maybe I play with myself if I’m comfortable, and show him what I want).

So, I try to be open and sexy while at the same time expressing my true desires.

Too many times during sex I have focused on my partner and what he might like, instead of what I am liking in the moment. More recently, I have been focusing on me and my pleasure. What makes ME feel good? What do I like? This is my energy I am giving to someone, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna waste it.

I have also found that most men actually appreciate you enjoying yourself, instead of getting caught up in your head trying to mimic what porn stars are doing. This has also helped me be more body confident and learn to speak up for myself…and more importantly, to stop lying about my pleasure.

Being honest with myself like this, has been so healing spiritually and emotionally as well. I have discovered things in the bedroom that truly satisfy my kinks by being direct and by letting myself be present in the moment. By not being ashamed. By feeling empowered. By being truthful and open minded. It’s almost like meditating, for real.

Are you gonna lie about your pleasure for the rest of your life? Lie about what actually pleases you? I thought about this one time after sex (after I acted like I enjoyed it) and it scared the fuck out of me. I am here on this earth one time, and I want to enjoy and experience MY pleasure, not cater to someone else. I am going to insist on what I want, and have more disclosed and truthful conversations about sexual pleasure, with my friends and partners.

Let’s make this world a sex positive community for women, so everyone can start actually cumming and enjoy themselves. For everyone's sake, we need to stop pretending to cum.