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Sex without climax: help with orgasm problems

Not coming the way you want to come? Orgasm problems can be annoying. Our expert tells you what you can do if you don’t climax during sex.

By OmaraPublished 2 years ago 6 min read
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Actually, everything is great: You love and desire your partner, have good sex regularly — but an orgasm you reach only rarely or even never? That’s totally stupid, but unfortunately not uncommon.

Studies show that about 50 percent of all women have difficulty climaxing at times or for longer periods of time. “For some women it’s not a problem, for others it’s a very big problem,” says our expert, sex psychologist Krystal Woodbridge, explaining what can help you with orgasm difficulties.

Why can’t I get an orgasm?

There are many possible causes. Triggers include hormonal fluctuations, illnesses, and medications (such as antidepressants or beta-blockers). They can cause, for example, that the vagina is not moist enough or the vulva is not supplied with enough blood. A good lubricant can often help.

Psychological causes are also possible. If you are exhausted or under stress, it often takes a long time to become aroused or you can’t maintain this arousal long enough. Your thoughts then wander during foreplay, to the to-do list or a conflict in the office in the morning — against this, the climax hardly has a chance.

But fear of losing control and feeling vulnerable and at the mercy of others also often prevent women from achieving orgasm. “Shyness and a sense of embarrassment are common culprits,” Woodbridge knows, “Completely relaxing and letting go in front of your partner isn’t that easy for many women.” Some get into a negative spiral of thoughts during foreplay: How do I look? Are my facial features contorting? Am I making funny sounds? That makes it hard to let go.

Simplified, we can say that a particularly frequent trigger for not reaching orgasm is stress of some kind. This also applies when the pressure of orgasm itself becomes a stress factor.

What is the reason for orgasm problems?

Often it’s the fact that you see it as a problem in the first place. As a result, you get into a spiral of entitlement, introspection, stress and disappointment, and resulting in even greater longing. The most important tip for women with orgasm disorders is: Don’t see it as a “problem”! After all, you don’t have to orgasm, there is no compulsion at all. No woman should feel pressured to have to orgasm during sex.

Sex without an orgasm can also be good; intense tenderness and closeness are similarly satisfying for some women. (The same applies to the man, by the way: his orgasm is not “obligatory” either). In this respect, it is also nonsense to fake an orgasm just to make him feel like a superlover. That only builds up additional pressure.

Should I fake an orgasm when I’m not having one?

Better not. That basically just exacerbates the problem because it creates an expectation in him that you feel too: that you will orgasm regularly. This then puts even more pressure on you.

“For a lot of women, faking orgasm is almost normal,” Woodbridge says. “If they’ve been doing it for years, it’s hard to be honest and admit that they’ve never or rarely had an orgasm.” But that ultimately puts the burden on you, and only to make him feel good about himself.

What helps women with orgasm problems?

Of course, it’s understandable if a climax is desirable for you and you want to reach it (finally). These 5 tips can help, maybe you should just try them out:

1. talk to your partner

This doesn’t mean that you have to talk about orgasm and sex, especially if you actually find the latter quite okay, but about your relationship. It is not uncommon for problems in the relationship that have not been worked out to be behind orgasm difficulties. Pent-up anger or unresolved everyday conflicts make it difficult to let go in bed. Many women carry a higher mental load in a relationship, because they care about much more than the man. Turning off this burden makes for more relaxed sex.

Speaking of faking orgasms: Not only should you stop doing that, you should tell him. Yes, it’s hard. Nevertheless, this openness is important for your new beginning. It is also crucial that you like the sex in the first place. If it always goes according to his wishes in bed and you never get your money’s worth, it is urgently necessary to change that. You also need to tell him this clearly, preferably with concrete wishes about how things could be better.

If all this does not change anything, joint sex therapy is also a possibility to reach new heights of orgasm. As a rule, a couple is encouraged to completely abstain from sex for a while and then to completely redesign it with new behavioral patterns.

2. make sure you get enough exercise

Several studies have already shown that there is a link between sexual function and exercise. According to this, women who are regularly active in sports also have fewer problems getting an orgasm during sex. A small, regular fitness routine or regular jogging already works wonders!

3. ask your gynecologist.

Is everything okay in the relationship? Maybe there is a very banal medical reason behind the orgasm problems. Have your gynecologist check you out!

An ultrasound of your genitals will tell you how well your genitals are supplied with blood. Your hormone status can be determined via your blood values. Possibly you are early in menopause?

A diagnosis of what condition your pelvic floor is in will also help determine the cause. The pelvic floor plays an important role in arousal. Well trained, it increases the probability of your orgasm.

4. talk to a psychologist

Sometimes a disturbed relationship with your own body is behind orgasm problems. If you are inhibited, you can’t really relax in the presence of others, even if it’s your trusted partner. In this case, a few sessions with a psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy can help you to better accept your own body and, for example, to reduce feelings of inferiority.

A psychologist is also the right person to talk to if you have had bad experiences in the past, such as abuse. Or if you were brought up in a sexually hostile way. It is not uncommon for trauma, even if it happened a long time ago, to manifest itself in anorgasmia, i.e. the inability to experience an orgasm.

5. masturbate regularly

The surest way to orgasm is to know your own body and its desires. And the best way to get there is masturbation. Did you know that most women don’t orgasm from intercourse alone? A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found that 4 out of 5 women do not orgasm from penile penetration of the vagina alone.

On the other hand, it is unusual that women who satisfy themselves do not have an orgasm. They know what they need and can “direct” the partner or give a hand themselves. Besides, this way you can enjoy sex in a more relaxed way, without the pressure of having to experience an orgasm: After all, it works without it.

“A woman is lucky to have an organ whose only job is to make her happy” says the expert. So explore your clitoris, find out how it feels best to touch it. “Some women need more stimulation, others less.”

Do not put yourself under pressure to perform if you have orgasm problems! Clarify organic causes and resolve conflicts in your partnership or from the past. This will not only benefit your ability to orgasm, but your entire life will be more relaxed, richer and more fulfilling.

sexual wellness
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Omara

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