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Sex Party in the USA

by [email protected] 2 years ago in satire
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Sex Party in the USA
Photo by John Silliman on Unsplash

Sorry it's been a while guys, but I gotta be honest with ya... 2012 was a bitch and I'm glad it's over. I know how much you guys like hearing about my escapades but sadly I didn't really have any this year so I'm once again resorting to writing about an old one. But believe me it's better this way... 2012 was mostly just a couple of fuck buddies, one emotionally unavailable prospective husband (you can guess why that didn't work out based on the description I'm sure), and a missed opportunity with one of Randy Blue's newest models because "I didn't wanna end up in your blog." Bitch please… what makes you think the sex would be good enough to end up here? ;-) There was the one guy on Fire Island who sent me a Grindr message just minutes after leaving my room and didn't even recognize me even though we had just hooked up (and you guys think I'm the whore), but in reality I spent the majority of my year auditioning my balls off and slinging just enough cocktails to get by. So here it is... my first and only experience at a sex party.

So I met this Brazilian guy (of course he was South American... I mean, if there's one thing you can gather from reading this public little black book of mine is that I have a type) out at a club with some friends. Of course I thought he was mad sexy and before you could say "gin and tonic" we were swapping saliva on the dance floor for all to see. Normally I'm not one for PDA but considering the crowd we were surrounded by I honestly didn't give a fat rat's ass. I mean, if the fat tranny with nipple tassels and ratty wig wants to judge me then she can go right ahead. Well, our making out turned into basically a group make-out session with him and the two friends I was with (at least that's how I think it went. To be honest it probably started with him sucking face with one of my friends but that's not important so let's just say I was the hot one of the three and keep moving, shall we?). This group kissing as we'll call it should have been a sign of things to come but I was still in my post-break-up let's fuck everything that doesn't speak English as a first language and doesn't get a period mode so I wasn't entirely bothered by nibbling on my friends' lips for a minute or two if it meant that I'd be doing the same to a nice piece of foreskin in the near future.

Now believe me, I'm not always one to get a guy’s name before dragging him into bed (or bathroom, dark corner, costume locker... whatever's available really), the last guy I was hooking up with and I admitted that we didn't even know each other's names until we became Facebook friends 2 days after our first rendezvous, but this Brazilian was one I planned on getting to know at least in the biblical sense so I made sure to ask. The thing is that as proficient as I am in the language of sex, Portuguese is still out of my realm of comprehension so even though he gave me his name a good 5 times, I still to this day over 3 and a half years later have no idea how to pronounce it so I just call him Tai-Bo cause that's kinda what it sounds like. Sadly, he's not super fond of this nickname (I guess Billy Blank wasn't as big in Brazil as he was here) but little did he understand that the more a trick hates his nickname the more likely I am to use it more often than his real name cause I'm kind of a twisted fuck like that.

As the night begins to wind down all of this face-sucking is starting to get kinda old so I began closing the deal. Sadly, Tai-Bo had to be at work early in the morning and was in no mood to continue our little encounter back at my place. AKA: he lived in Bushwick and had to leave with his friends cause he didn't wanna have to pay for the cab by himself. So we exchanged numbers and a few "can't wait to get you naked" texts and called it a night.

A few weeks pass, God only knows what kind of shenanigans I got myself into (pretty sure Pecan Sandy was born round about that time) and Tai-Bo and I exchange multiple dirty texts on a fairly regular basis. The only problem was that when it came time to hang a get down to bumpin pussies he never wanted to follow through. For whatever reason, he only wanted to have sex with me at a sex party. Well, I had kind of heard about these things through the internet and what-not but had never actually considered going to one myself. I prefer my performances be on a stage, not on my back (I've never been one for floor work). But I guess it was the combination of my own curiosity and the sexual frustration of these blue-ball inducing text messages that made me give in and send some half-naked pictures of myself to the party moderator so I could get myself on the list. Looking back I probably shouldn't have used the email address that has my full name in the title but I'm just gonna chalk that one up to youth.

Once my pictures were approved and I got on the list it just became a matter of growing the balls to actually show up to this thing. I got my shift at work switched but even as I was walking home to shave my balls I still wasn't sure if I was actually gonna go or not. It wasn't until I was pressing the buzzer at the front door of an old shitty looking building on a block filled with rats and homeless people somewhere in the west 30's that I could actually believe I was going through with it. Once I got to the top of some creaky-ass old stairs I had to confirm my email (oh THAT'S why I didn't want my full name in my email... I just shouted out my first, middle, and last to every horny old man in the city. Nice.) I had to lift up my shirt and show my abs to the big scary looking door man. I was a bit nervous cause I hadn't been working out much that week so I made sure I gave it the old "Mary-Kate-lean-back-and-twist" which has worked like a charm in almost every shirtless picture taken and luckily I passed the ab test and was let in.

As soon as I walked in I had to check everything I was wearing sans underwear. Thank the dear Lord sweet Jesus the first person I saw as I was taking my clothes off was Tai-Bo or I'm not sure I could’ve built up the courage to jump into all that and look for him. There was a couch, a couple of chairs, and wodden slab chained to the ceiling at its corners (I'm assuming this was some sort of poor man's sling) and disgusting looking mattress in the corner and a completely blacked-out section which I had absolutely no intention of wondering into. Believe you me, I was freaked out enough, so the last thing I needed was to be all up on some guy only to find out he was ugly enough to be a background actor in The Hobbit once he stepped into the light. I have to say that I was incredibly Makayla Meroni style unimpressed with the other men in this "exclusive" party. My ab anxiety from earlier seemed pretty pointless considering Tai-Bo and I were BY FAR two of the best looking guys there. Eventually he ran into a big hunky blond guy with his big hunky blond model friend from L.A. who he had fooled around with at one of these things before so the four of us found ourselves a little spot and pretty much immediately became the center of attention (I mean... not saying that I'm the hottest shit to walk the streets of HK, but it was like a mediocrity convention in there).

One of the main rules of this and most sex parties (as I understand it) is "No means No!" Makes sense, right? If a guy's not interested then just move on and find someone else... pretty fucking simple. Well, this one fat asshole didn't really seem to grasp that concept and would not leave me alone. Not that he was actually obese or anything, but he wasn’t in shape and he pissed me off so as far as I’m concerned he was the fattest fuck at the party. All 4 of us had pushed him away at some point and it was to the point that Tai-Bo even had to yell at him to get away from me and the Jenny Craig before picture was still all up in my business. Now, I'm a pretty tolerant person. I've had a slew of shitty roommates in my life that have built up a level of bullshit acceptance to larger than normal proportions. But the next thing I know I'm down on my knees with one in each hand (like ya do) and I feel something dripping on my back and shoulders. My first thought was "is there a leaky air conditioner in here or something?" but just as I turned my head to look up and check on that phantom aircon I realized that this fat fuckwad just came all over my back... needless to say I was neither happy nor tolerant. The lardass sprinted out of there (I can only assume he was accompanied by a tuba solo) before I could get a chance to gather myself enough to bitch him a new one so I just angry stomped myself to the bathroom so I could wash this Taco Bell grease off my back and shoulders.

Sadly that little incident kind of ruined the entire experience for me and I wasn't even able to get my erection back because I was so pissed off. So I just helped Tai-Bo and the blondies get their business done and called it a night. On the walk home I treated myself to some 99 cent pizza and a Sprite because at that point I figured I deserved it. Tai-Bo and I never hooked up again. I used to run into him a lot but haven't seen him in a while actually. I think the longest conversation I've had with him since the sex party was at a friend's indoor pool birthday party (which you may have read about) where he kept getting really pissed that I wouldn't stop calling him Tai-Bo. I never went to another sex party even though I still get the emails. I guess I could take myself off the list but I like the pictures of the mega hotties that come in the emails... If the guys from the party looked a lot more like the ones in the emails I definitely would’ve made a second if not more trips by now. But I have no intention of spending half of my night pushing away a Lard Lad when I can sit in the comfort of my own room watching porn and the only semen I have to feel dripping down my back is my own. :-)


About the author

[email protected]

Shameless and Irreverent

Homosexual and Proud

Perceptive and Obnoxious

Empathic and Naive

Romantic and Slutty

Loyal and Imperfect

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