Relationships: When You Feel You're Not Having Enough Sex with Your Partner
A dream with my ex confirmed the sexual frustration I have in my current relationship.
My therapist is the best. I told her my dream about my ex-girlfriend, where nothing happened, just a "hello," but I did feel something, I felt myself wholly. My heart bumped hardly, my face was hot and cold at the same time, and my body felt warm and comfy just being close to her. With her, I have a lot of history, but the important point here is that I never had sex with her, but believe me, I was dying for it.
If I could describe in hormones what I felt for her, it was Dopamine and Serotonin in their highest and lowest levels. And, although I liked feeling what I felt in my dream, I don’t miss it. Now I have a girlfriend and she’s amazing. What I feel for her could never compare with what I’ve felt for other people. She’s the Oxytocin in my system.
Now, the important analysis that my psychologist and I got from my dream was my sexual frustration! After I finished telling my short dream and my love story with my ex, my therapist said: “Okay, it seems that with your ex, a lot of sexual tension contained and never got released, tell me… how’s your sexual life with your partner going?” OMFG. She nailed it.
With my girlfriend, I’ve been having a rough time with sex. I’m a very sexual person, but she is not so much (I guess?). At first, I thought our sex drives were very different and haven’t been matching lately. I felt so frustrated cause we used to have lots of sex and never got tired, but now it has gotten so hard to even start the teasing and the playing. We talked about it and we both agreed in having an open communication about the topic. She explained that she felt insecure about her body (something that as much as I would like to solve for her, it is something each person has to work on their own… self-love), and she felt worried or concerned about my pleasure.
Big pause. I think that during sex you shouldn’t be feeling any worry or concern. You should be flying and enjoying the time you’re spending with the person you’re with. Of course, having in mind their well-being and be careful not to hurt them and do things that make them feel good! But not feeling concerned because then your mind is not gonna be present in the sexual and pleasurable act. So, it was like if she was feeling so worried and concerned that I was feeling good that she wasn’t actually enjoying the moment and having her space and moment to enjoy it. And here, I have the fault…
When we started dating, I really didn’t know what my body liked. I had bad sexual experiences with other people and I also hadn’t touched myself enough to discover myself. I think that I’ve been putting my frustration and stress in our relationship regarding my body exploration and pleasure, and that somehow has been affecting my partner. Since I started therapy, I’ve been trying to work this topic out and get to know myself better, and also be more in the moment and don’t let my mind fly out of my body while I’m having sex with my partner—and as a matter of fact… that has worked! I’ve came and as for orgasms… I think I’ve felt them (it is such a long topic that maybe I could write about it in a different time).
So, what I learned from my dream is that my body and my mind are telling me a big contained feeling that I have. And as you know: "Knowledge is power." I’m gonna use it to solve things out with my partner. I think sex in a relationship is such an important topic! I don’t know if it could be 50 percent sex and 50 percent the rest (support, help, listening, sharing, etc.). For me, I think maybe is 30 percent sex and then 70 percent the rest (I’ll keep changing the numbers as I grow in my relationship).
I think it is something you can solve if you have open communication and both are willing to work it out. It needs patience, listening, understanding, creativity, and lots and lots of love!