Relationship Boundaries

During a conversation with a friend the other day, the subject of boundaries and expectations in relationships came up. This of course is a subject that I have gone over and over in my own mind for years because though I understand the need, it wasn't until that I admitted my own. Whether due to shame from childhood traumas and lessons, or the PTSD I struggle with from my most recent nightmare of a marriage, it has taken until now for me to realize who I am and what I deserve.

It has fueled the narcissists and weak-minded nitwits worldwide into believing this nonsense like it's the word of God brought down from the heavens and force-fed into the gullible little gel sacs they call brains. There's a cult-like social justice group for every misguided idea out there and it has allowed theories that were best left on paper in some angry little self-loathing fruitcake's notebook, to come to life and force the sanity out of the world.

I could go in so directions with this but for the sake of the topic at hand, let's stick to how it pertains to relationships. This in itself isn't all that bad in your 20s and even in your 30s, but you do reach a point where you need to start taking a more serious look at your life and quit living in a fantasy world. This is not to say that all your fantasies need to go away but you do need to start thinking of who is going to be there for you as the years go on. I can make you one promise with 99.99999% certainty; it won't be your so-called partner that you share with half the county and a people overseas if you're the traveling .

In any one of these delusional relationships, the facts are that you are always an . No one wants the 60-year-old swinger at their weekend orgy; unless you're in that rare group of 60-year-old swingers. You're either the older woman that most men think of on a drunken night or the creepy older dude that people don't want anywhere near their daughter/sister/friend. Sure, you might be able to pick up one of these damaged youngsters but if it doesn't at least creep you out a little while you're nailing someone that could be your , there's something a little more wrong with you in the first place. This isn't meant to be a bashing session on older freaks, but I'm hoping the level-headed among that group will understand what I'm talking about, at least in part, because they have had those thoughts about who's going to be there down the road. I know that , I'm going to be a dirty older man, but I would sincerely hope that I got my dirty old lady by my side because I don't feel like searching for damaged 20 or 30 somethings; unless we're doing it together...kidding...kind of.

I personally know that my boundaries are no cheating, no addictions, and no domestic violence. Sad to say I dealt with all these in my marriage to the point where I almost started to believe that I had to put up with it. I started to lose myself and it's something that I will never allow again. My expectations are honesty, unquestionable loyalty, someone who's supportive of my goals in life, and that we align on each other's sexual needs. Your list doesn't have to be extensive but it needs to exist, because if you make it up as you go or you begin to allow people to make you believe that it doesn't matter, then you begin to lose yourself and your happiness.

Whatever age you are at where you decide that you need a little something more than the optional you call your true love, you will at some point need to decide on your boundaries and expectations. Both are something you will need to to your partner and something they will need to agree to as well as respect and hopefully go along with. This is not something you will want to spring on your present partner unless this decision of fidelity in whatever form you see it, is a point you have come together. Whatever the case may be, you will need to make a list, either in your mind or on a piece of paper outlining the boundaries and expectations that make up your hard-line needs for a happy relationship.

Do keep in mind that not every fantasy deserves to be a hard-line expectation for your happiness. If they are, then you might not be ready for a serious relationship and could need a little counseling.

The sad fact is that a lot of people will find that the partner they once thought was forever love wasn't as invested as they were. This is something that we all deal with at some point in our lives, and it's why a lot of people turn to polyamory because there is less investment of your heart so less chance of getting hurt. It's exactly why you need to take the time to get to know yourself and become comfortable in your own skin. Most people come to this realization later in life and for some, it's like hitting a brick wall because their earlier life choices left them alone and miserable. Don't be one of those people that spend their entire life in the fast lane with no plan for when it's time to merge. Have your fun but at least let your mind wander into the rationale from time to time, if for no other reason than to outline and sometimes revise your list of boundaries and expectations. That way when it's time to find your lifelong partner that you hope won't pull the plug too , you will know what you need for a long happy relationship.