Quarantine Blues? Hone Your Masturbation Moves

As the world shuts down and the masses move indoors, one thing is for sure: there’s going to be a helluva lotta sex happening. If you’re locked up with a partner…lucky fucking you. Literally. You must be fucking all the time.

My boyfriend and I are long distance and our long-awaited reunion (it’s been 6 months!!!) was just coming to an end when this blasted virus entered hard from stage left, abruptly putting a stop to any international travel and sex we might be having with foreigners (my bf is Italian, for the record). My body was literally tingling with all the impending sex on the horizon. I was pre-elated at the prospect.

Now, it could well be another 6 months before channels of movement open up again and we can all screw, borders be damned, to our hearts content.

Luckily, I’m pretty darn good at getting myself off. And not just getting off—though that’s fun too—but full on love making. You know—complete with waves of euphoria rocking my body, shakes and involuntary laughs, after-sex chills and an absolute sense of well-being and benevolent love for the entire world. The kind of sex that makes you fall in love with the universe.

Those are pretty good vibes to be cultivating about now, amidst world panic.

One of the defining features of depression is a sense of isolation. When we’re bummed out, we feel disconnected and distant from experiences, other people, and even ourselves. It stands to reason then, that the inverse could also be true—that when we’re forced into isolation, with just computers and phones for friends, depression can set in.

If you’re solo isolating, it can get real lonesome, real quick. But instead of thinking of all the people locked up with someone—the ones who must be fucking, like, constantly (just think of the baby boom we’re gonna have on our hands in 2021!), shift your attention back to your own sweet self. Because just as negative emotion makes us feel disconnected, positive emotions make us feel connected—to people, experiences and self.

And all those good feelings—the ones that make you feel connected—are available at your fingertips. Literally.

Sex can be very connective, whether performed solo or otherwise.

If simply feeling great isn’t enough of a stimulus to get you masturbating, consider this: getting good at sex with yourself will seriously up your sex game when you do have another body to play with. Getting better at sex is getting better at sex, period, whether alone or with a friend. And we all want to get better at sex. Cause, like…more, better, longer orgasms, and all that.

So get out there—or stay put, rather—and do things to yourself you’ve never done before! Go deeper. Get weird. Play! Expand. Blow your own sweet mind.

Below is a list of my favorite ways to enjoy my sexuality alone. May they get your mind churning about what is possible.

So here they are: 5 novel masturbation techniques to stay sexually active and connected during this world wide contraction. *Please note that while I speak a lot of vaginal pleasure, that being my personal experience, any of these techniques can be adapted to any sex organ.

5 Novel Techniques to Make Sweet Love to Yourself

Focus on a Point: The Minimalist Technique

It takes focus. It takes discipline. It’s a meditation. It’s foundational.

That may not sound terribly tempting, but the minimalist technique is one of the best masturbation techniques to get really intimate with your own pleasure. In fact, that is the focal point: your pleasure. For ladies, I recommend simply touching your clit, however you like to touch it, without a full plunge. Keep it simple.

Now focus completely on the unadorned feeling. No porn, no fantasies, no thoughts. Just breathe and touch yourself. Feel the pleasure begin as a single point. Feel it grow, spread and move over your body. Feel your body. Feel the way your body is made to feel pleasure. Feel it respond—perhaps slowly at first, and then more eagerly.

You won’t get off as quickly with the minimalist technique. That’s not what this is about. It’s about getting to know your own body and your own pleasure. By staying focused on the feeling instead of any thoughts that want to take you to orgasm more quickly, you connect with your raw, physical body in a way that can be easy to elude when caught up in imagination. Images might come to mind, or points of light. Simply return to the feeling.

This technique can also help you strengthen focus and resolve in general, and develop the ability to delay gratification—desirable for extending pleasure. A fantastic tool for the masturbation tool kit.

Luxuriate in the Senses: The Seducer’s Technique

It is setting the stage. It is wooing oneself. It is arousing the full spectrum of senses. It is reveling in carnal appetites. It is worship of physical delights. It is utterly self-indulgent and totally satisfying.

It is foreplay, in basic terms. Seduction, if you want to be sexy about it. And, oh, don’t we...

The seduction technique is all about the senses. You can set up the space as much or as little as you want. Put on some sexy music. Light candles. Take a long bath. Massage your entire body with scented oils, running your hands slowly up your legs, over your belly, around your nipples. Pour a glass of red, red wine. Put on lingerie, silks and lipstick—whatever makes you feel sexy. If you want to make a god or goddess of yourself, you can really do that.

You’re romancing yourself. So do whatever turns you on. Whatever arouses your senses.

Once you’ve set the vibe…touch yourself. Slowly. Softly. Run your fingers over your panties arousing your clit. Play.

Vaginal eggs, so long as they have a string, can be really good here (if you have a vagina). Eggs are fun because they feel good, and are playful, but are subtle enough that you can really bask in the enjoyment without getting off too quickly. Simply insert the egg with the string sticking out. Now you can tug on the string, gently pulling the egg. Play with your vaginal muscles to play a sort of tug-of-war game with your hand.

Bring yourself to orgasm, again, and again, and again.

The seducer’s technique may seem like the opposite to the minimalist technique, but the two really pair quite well together. Focus on absolutely relishing every delight you offer yourself.

Get it On with Nature Spirits: The Technique That Might Be Too Far Out for You (AKA the Nature-Do)

Ok, this may seem out there to some people, but you really can get it on with nature spirits—and if you’re lonely, it can be awesome to bring in another spirit to keep company. Even if you have a partner with you, who wouldn’t want to have sex with the rain, or the wind?

Sex with nonhuman spirits can open up your archetypal mind and take you on journeys to other realms. Seriously. It’s out there, yea, but in the best, oh dear god yes, kind of way. Ok…so an entire article could be dedicated to developing intimate, non-human relationships with other spirits, but we’ll keep it simple here.

Hopefully you’ve been practicing the minimalist technique, cause it will be useful here. Essentially you want to conjure up an element or being to focus on. Examples include: water, fire, wind, mountain, river, willow, rose, and on and on.

Is a violent storm moving through? Open the windows and let the wind move whip through your house, let it move you to ecstasy. Perhaps there’s a piece of land you feel especially close to—land with rolling hills and little, bubbling brooks. Screw it!

Water is objectively pretty sexy, so it’s a good place to start. Choose a water source. Is it a river? Feel the water flowing around your skin. Is it the sea? Feel the way it laps at the sand, the way the tide tugs at you.

Touch yourself and focus on the nature spirit you want to be close to right now. Feel it, smell it, see it. Conjure it. And when you feel it with you, let your mind go... Maybe a story will arise, something like a dream. Let it come. Follow it. See where it takes you. You may be surprised where you wind up. Whatever happens it totally cool. You may just watch a river flowing the entire time.

The point is not to get sidetracked into pornographic sexual fantasies, but to stay focused on the nature spirit while you bring yourself to orgasm. Like the minimalist method, the nature-do isn’t a quick get off. But it can be deeply satisfying to connect intimately to a spirit you love.

Go Fuck Yourself: The Squirting Technique

Sometimes a slow, deep and connective love-making session just ain’t what you have in mind. If you need it rough, but it’s not socially acceptable to get close enough to let someone fuck your brains out —you can always throw yourself a good, hard bone. That is to say, dildo.

And I really recommend a hard dildo for this. Curved glass or crystal are the best. They are much harder than plastic or rubber and it’s easier to really get at the G-spot than with fingers, in my opinion. Fingers are great if you’ve got excellent dexterity and finger strength. My lefty is pretty useless—it always cramps up and gets weird when I’m attempting to catch both my G-spot and clit. Which is exactly the goal of this technique. If you don’t have a curved glass dildo, use whatever you happen to have on hand.

If it please, you may enjoy a bit of porn to get going. Or, if you’re like me and you think most of the porn out there sucks dick (pun intended), you can activate your imagination. Bring up all the weird and wonderful fantasies: school teachers, nurses, construction men and cops welcome. Whatever gets you really hot and bothered.

Now let yourself have it.

The point is to get at your G-spot and clitoris simultaneously. The easiest method for me is to use ol’ weak lefty to plunge the dildo, and hold it with pressure against my G spot while I thrust my hips up and down on top of it. Meanwhile, I stimulate my clit with my right hand.

You’re eyes will literally roll into the back of your head. You’ll scream. You’ll cry. You’ll go wild with pleasure. Don’t hold back. Really give it to yourself good.

This is also a great way to teach yourself to squirt, if you never have! When you feel like you have to pee, try to pee. You can lay on top of towels if you’re concerned about a mess.

Gentle and Sweet: The Sublime Technique

Sweet, loving, tender: just right for a Sunday morning.

The sublime technique needs no teaching. Simply put, it is the natural impulse, in response to spontaneous arousal throughout the day, to make yourself feel good.

Because you’re not always in the mood to make a big to-do about sex—neither a meditative masturbatory session, nor a hard bang out either. Most of the time, sex arises on its own, and you just touch yourself, simple and sweet like.

Perhaps you wake in clean sheets and dappled morning sunlight plays through curtains onto your skin—and ain’t nowhere you gotta be. Or perhaps you’re curled on the couch reading an erotic scene in the afternoon and your hand naturally moves beneath your pants (Outlander is a personal fave for descriptive sex scenes ;).

Whatever it is, follow your instinct. You’re home alone, afterall! And your body is calling.

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Do How You Do

You can, of course, combine these methods. You can fuck yourself hard while focusing on the pleasure, for example. Or luxuriate with toys, like vaginal eggs, while imagining the rain. However you like to get it on with your own body is entirely up to you. Experiment and shake things up. Surprise yourself.

Love making—solo or otherwise—is not a standalone cure to depression, but it can certainly help one feel connected in these uncertain times. Be good to yourself. And have fun!