No.
The tales of a 20-something living in this world.
No. That´s all you want when you come over.¨ was the first word to leave my mouth. ¨Itś okay, I don´t want to come over for that. ¨, he said ¨we can just talk, thatś all I want anyways. I missed you.¨ He told me as if they were the sweetest words to ever leave his lips. I believed the lies. He tried his hardest and kept giving him the same answer, which was no. I kept that word on the tip of my tongue anytime he tried something. He tried for like an hour and that alone felt like twelve hours. I let him in when I knew I should have kept him out. I let him in, I let him stay, and then, I let him hurt me. I let him make me feel the way I do. I let him make me feel like an object.
¨Hey boo.¨ was the text he sent me a few days later as if everything is okay and nothing happened. ¨You did not listen to me, I felt uncomfortable.¨ ¨Oh, I´m sorry boo.¨ I knew those words were empty and meant nothing. SORRY BOO. That is all he had to so say. Not damn, I did not know that's what I was doing. No! just plain, dry, sorry.
I told my brother, my best friend, and my therapists. My best friend said it was on me. My therapist said it was on me but it still happened and I was hurt. My brother wants war. ¨Daja I need his picture and where he works and you better tell me too!¨ Times like this I was happy I had an older brother ¨Anthony, I don't want you to do anything just needed to tell someone. I did not know what else to do. I did not fight back. Does it make it my fault?¨ ¨Nothing about this is your fault! You told him no multiple times. He chose to not listen, it's not on you!"Block him on everything and never speak to him again. That´s all.¨ Okay, thanks for listening. I appreciate you¨ He knew I was broken after what has happened, but understood there was nothing he could do. Tyrone knew our lives had been hard and anyone who made it harder for me he hated.
Days have passed and I never feel normal or okay anymore. I have had other encounters but I still feel broken and empty. Will this feeling lasts forever?
I can´t talk to my therapist about it all she said was ¨Why would you fight back, the police won't exactly be on your side because you did nothing. How was your body language during this? It´s not your fault but you did nothing to stop it. It felt like my older brother was the only one that understood and I can not thank him enough for it.
Does anybody fully understand what is happening? I feel confident and broken. Alive and dead. Blossoming and decaying all at the same time. Nothing feels the same. I mean, I am getting back to normal and I am happy. But this is just something else I need to explain to someone else and how I did nothing.
Wishing that this was all a dream would be an understatement. I wish this person never existed. I do know that Kabul can never hurt me again because he is never allowed back in my presence ever again. I placed a boundary with this person and he can never cross it. I have been placing boundaries with several people actually, this helped me realize not every deserves this access to me.
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