“That’s just what I’m into.” My friend sat jaw-dropped across the table.
“So you want him to choke you?”
I’m 23 now and have been having sex for five years. When I first embarked on my sexual adventures, I remember having a few short-term boyfriends who would just lay on top of me and move back and forth. I just wasn’t excited. Orgasm unattainable. For the first while of my sexual experiences, I was terribly bored.
When I was 19, I was seeing someone new, and he was incredibly upfront and asked how I felt about dominance in the bedroom. We talked for hours and due to our age difference, he had way more experience, and knew a lot more than I did. I had watched quite a fair share of porn and had seen such categories like “Hardcore” and “Bondage.” I think I had an unhealthy porn habit during high school, but that’s a story for another time. I enjoyed watching these types of videos, and was thrilled by the thought of trying something other than the missionary position.
As he pulled my hair and wrapped his hands around my neck, I was in ecstasy. To lose all control was thrilling. We experimented with restraints and talking dirty. I had always been so accustomed to silence or only moaning in the bedroom. It was exciting. We only saw each other for a few months, but I am grateful to him for opening my eyes to another side of sexuality.
A year later I had a serious boyfriend who would only indulge in rough and aggressive sex. At first it was so exciting to be partnered with someone who could keep up with my interests sexually. He was very involved in purchasing new items for the bedroom, and suggesting new positions to try.
As our relationship developed, I noticed that my sexual desires had started to change. Any time I had asked for passionate sex, it always turned into the aggression and roughness that he desired. I was incredibly discouraged because I longed to feel that emotional sexual connection with him. For once I wanted to be held, kissed, touched softly, and it was because I loved him. I was ready to not only embrace my desire for submission in the bedroom, but to balance it out with the love and passion I wanted to share with my partner, too. It didn’t work out.
My personal interest in submission stems from the desire and longing to be controlled. I can’t really explain a definitive reason why I like being choked, slapped, or tied up. I can’t explain why. I can only proclaim that these things arouse me sexually, and I don’t feel guilty, dirty, or shameful because of it. I, however, understand that some people may not be aroused by these acts, the same way that I am not aroused by the missionary position for ten minutes.
If I only had one key piece of advice to share over the last five years of my sexual experiences, it's that communication is incredibly necessary for mutually rewarding sex. Submissive or not. If your partner doesn’t know what you want, how are they supposed to please you? I was lucky that my early sexual experience was involved with someone who respectfully suggested something new, and I ended up exploring an entirely new side to my sexuality. Still to this day I am learning things that I like and things that I don’t. I have a partner now who shares the same balance that I do, and I’ve never been more content sexually.