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My stances on Sex

My take on sexual experiences and my research before the sexual venture begins.

My stances on Sex
Photo from Men's Health

A friend of mine once asked me, "What is your stance on sex?"

First, I had to take the time and appreciate that the way they asked was neither condescending or an assumption. I answered them this-

My choice to not have sex is for two reasons.

At the time I was asked, one of my reasons was I didn't have a pap smear, or anything remotely in making a choice to think about my health as a young woman. I may not be sexually active. But I knew there were other probabilities that I could have something without even having sex. I didn't want to risk my partner's health if he/she/they didn't know that I had something critical going on. Having a pap smear would clear up any concerns for my productive system, if I was, as I call it, "good in the hood". So I saw it as making sure I was healthy to have sex and make sure everything was healthy in general. (Eventually I did get it done and had tests to make sure everything was indeed good in the hood).

My second reason, I have not had birth control nor educated about birth control. I know what it does, by the term, it helps prevent pregnancy. But I do not fully understand what birth control is and I'd rather hear about it from my doctor as opposed to trying to figure it out myself or assume I knew enough. It would have been reckless on my part to just get it without learning what it'll do to my system and understand the schedule. When the moment comes up to have sex, planned or not. I'd like to know that I won't make an error that puts my reproductive system in jeopardy of getting pregnant.

They had also asked me if it was a religious thing, (Once again, they asked with a respectful curiousness to their tone without assumption). I had been told as a teenager that sex before marriage was a terrible act of intimacy, it was drilled into my head that it was a sin, and I didn't want to be a sinner. I had been told that was the right way. But in the years to come, I eased up on that thought, and I was comfortable with the idea to have sex as long as it with a person that was considerate and careful. I know it won't be romantic and it won't be perfect. Most men and women say it won't really be a magical, earth-shattering, angels will be singing moment. Just messy and awkward for the first few times. That's good enough for me. Besides the clinical and medicinal part of sexual education, that's the piece of advice that defiantly makes me feel better.

When I finished my answer to my friend, they applauded me for thinking strategically and maturely about it. They were never demeaning of my answer and let me explain those reasons.

But to dive further on the topic, not many were as courteous to my stance like my friend was. This is back before my stance on sex wasn't as lax as now. Some people that belittled my choices.

Now still keep in mind that I'm going to keep this as neutral as a I can since I currently am not sexually active (even before the pandemic began).


On Dating sites, if I was talking to someone I was interested in, naturally at some point the talk of sexual activity would come up. I'm mature about how respond to these things without sounding naive or judgemental. I would always stand my ground and say that I'm not into having sex despite never doing it. Upon that piece of information revealed, I would be unmatched with the person immediately (not a big deal). I would be belittled for my choices and they would try everything to convince me. Some would even see it as a challenge like it was something straight out of Cruel Intentions. It was much harder to maintain a positive attitude to continue dating apps after being reprimanded and demeaned. I'm aware how the world works in the spectrum of dating. Nonetheless, I ended up having apprehensions about trying online dating again knowing that piece of information to reveal is going to have different reactions.

I was deemed to be a tease by some potential partners that antagonized and belittled my choices to not have sex. I explained my reasons that the condom could break ad I don't have birth control. They would retort with a pessimistic answer that twisted my words around into a joke. I would un-match with them immediately on my dating profiles. I can take a joke, I just don't like it stretched out and daunting.

I wouldn't feel insulted, I know that most of people in my age range see sex as a casual moment in intimacy. Some of them know more then I do in the bedroom department, which doesn't intimidate me at all. But I do know what I want for my body and I know when it is time, and at that moment in my teenage years to my beginnings in my twenties, I wasn't ready years ago, and now I am. It should not be pushed on anyone that is not comfortable. That is known knowledge, that somehow is pessimistically and conveniently forgotten when it comes to the pleasure department.

As a Gray Asexual

That makes the spectrum harder in my case for dating.

I ignore the passes that potential dates make about my body. I remember years ago, I was told, "I think you and I would connect on some passionate sex" Which isn't that was sex is? A connection in any that can be interpreted either just physically or both physically and emotionally? (The dude just wanted to get laid is what it is). I've also been told that personally from people that it would never work because they needed the sex part.

I'm not gonna lie, I do lust for some intimate moments and I have my fantasies about crushes. There are moments I did test the extent of what I was comfortable with or curious about when I would mess around with someone. But I always made it first and foremost that I do not have sex for the reasons I explained earlier. Even when I debated going all the way with whoever I was dating or interested in at the time, that idea would go away very quickly and I wouldn't think about it for months. I would get turned on, and then turned off so fast in less then a day (sometimes even less then that).

After doing some research, on asexuality, that was when I discovered I was a gray asexual. Someone that has a desire for intimate moments but not as often. Which as I said earlier, that makes it difficult to try out relationships when I have to say that my sexual activity is limited.

When I came to the discovery that I was going to be open to the idea of having sex with a partner, but I would only yearn for that intimacy once in a while. So whenever I do have a relationship, and I tell my boyfriend/girlfriend/gender neutral partner, that we are gonna get it on like a Marvin Gaye song. I imagine they'll be stripping their clothes off fast like Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty because of the rare consenting opportunity.

I don't think that my certain asexuality would hinder my chances. There are people out there that would be accepting of my gray asexuality and wouldn't pressure me at all. That's what I would hope for.

If anything, I do have a positive stance on the people that have responded negatively to my asexuality. Is that now I know the intentions of people that just want me for my body for their pleasure, it just narrows down the list.

But not all of them were crude, some just plainly told me that it would be a deal breaker because they enjoy their sexual pleasures, and didn't pressure me to feel obligated to do that.

Being Comfortable to the idea

I used to be very uncomfortable to the idea of having sex, or heck even minor stuff that doesn't even get to third base. Because I was never comfortable with myself to experience that and I had to figure out why I reacted differently then others. Half of it was the waiting and the other half was discovering the gray asexuality.

Throughout high school, it wasn't a big deal to me to lose the v-card. Never thought anything of it, there wasn't a desperation to experience that.

Sex has expanded from being this experience that has to be shared only with one person and it stays that way without having other consensual experiences. There's nothing wrong with learning what you do or don't like, no shame in it.

It's also understandable that sometimes it doesn't always equal love or absolute pleasure. I'm glad I waited to learn the health risks, and the acceptance of sexual activity without the shame to it.

It's common knowledge to be aware of the risks and the partner, from what friends and family tell us. I've been told from a religious standpoint and societal standpoint, but I never treated the idea of going to have sex as a retaliation against my former ways of life. I came to the decision on my own, after doing my homework and wanting the experience knowing it won't be perfect. So I do have a healthy mindset to it.

When the time to have sex comes up, it could be this year, it could be next year. That part isn't in my control, but I'm glad what I know the plan for the unplanned moment.

Samantha Parrish
Samantha Parrish
Read next: A Night at the Theatre
Samantha Parrish

I'm here to teach you something new or expand your mind in a neutral aspect.

Instagram: parrishpassages

Oh and I wrote a book called, Inglorious Ink.

See all posts by Samantha Parrish