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My Fiancé Wanted to Have a Threesome

Sour lessons on communication, boundaries and red flags

My Fiancé Wanted to Have a Threesome
Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

Have you ever googled “how to communicate your sexual fantasies to your partner?” It yields over 40 million results — just about enough to get through the pillow talk with your partner. Countless Cosmopolitan articles will tell you communication in a relationship is key, but does one need to be an expert in relationships to know that it is?

There is no better way to know and feel closer to your partner than revealing your true self and openly discussing things that matter to you. Nearly everyone that has been in a relationship had steamy conversations spurring from: “what are you into?” or “is there anything you wanted to try?” — and that’s great. Especially, if turns it out you are both into the same kinks.

Nevertheless, if you’ve ever rehearsed a conversation in your head where you’re trying to convince your partner to try something new in bed, read my story. If you haven’t, read it anyway — because done wrong, a mere “Would you like to try a threesome?” may bring more complications than one may expect.

The Rise

Threesomes. MFM. FMF. Lovely stuff. You’ve seen it on Netflix, you’ve read about it, and you’ve definitely seen it at your trusted source for porn.

Let the one that hasn’t thought that threesomes are kinda exciting to cast the stone first. I’ll admit it crossed my fantasies once or twice. It’s fun. It’s sexy. I acknowledge its appeal. However, I only started to think about the actual operation and logistics of the act when my boyfriend brought it up.

He wrapped up the suggestion in a story about a friend of his who is planning to have a threesome together with his wife and another woman. We, a very monogamous couple, had a giggle. “Was it your friend that come up with the idea? Was the wife not enough for him? Or was it her? That’s even more exciting!”

After that cheeky gossip we stumbled upon the obvious:

Is it something for us? Would we enjoy this?

Maybe? … but it’s probably not something for us at this point.

We were a rather new couple, having been together for a year and a half at that time, and I felt that there was still a lot to know about each other. We definitely hadn’t exhausted too many things to try by ourselves so for sure we don’t need another person in our bed. Right?

At least I thought so.

The Run

The topic came back more than a year later, and we were already engaged by then, planning to have a life together. One chill Saturday, I was home and we were texting the whole day since at that moment we were doing our grad studies in different cities. I was on Netflix, and stumbled upon something fun, and decided to share the episode with him.

It was an episode of Easy, about a married couple considering a threesome to spice up their sex life. What for me was simply a fun episode was an opportunity for him to dig the topic out of its grave.

Because the best ideas come from Netflix, I guess.

Soon we were running critical analysis on threesomes and foursomes. I argued that in my opinion foursome is better if it’s two couples because people involved are less likely to catch new feelings for others (just my guess, can’t quote science). I didn’t say I want to have a foursome. It was instead an ‘I would rather…’ kind of conversation.

Yet, the topic came up again a day after when he asked if I would prefer to have a foursome instead of a threesome. Well if I had to choose between okra and baked pumpkin I guess I would choose pumpkin. Not that any of them qualify as food (sorry okra and pumpkin lovers) but if I was starving to death and had just those two options I would take the pumpkin.

So I laid down some reasons why I think inviting any number of people into our mix was not a good idea. First of all, I’m a rather shy person. I don’t easily get comfortable with people. Secondly, if I could fathom the ease to drop my pants before another individual and do the deed, pretty sure jealousy would creep in within the first 20 seconds as the third wheel and my partner would engage with each other. Thirdly, if it doesn’t go very well and the cons outweigh the pros on hindsight, that’s not an easy thing to simply get over — and a new relationship like ours where we had a lot of individual and collective growing up to do (I should mention I just turned 21 at that point) doesn’t need additional challenges in the jam.

But who was I even talking to?

He wasn’t the least bit discouraged, not a single step back. His enthusiasm stood ground firm against my list of what-ifs. I felt a lot of things at that point. I was a bit surprised, a little angry, and frankly felt like my concerns had no weight. To some extent, I started to consider that I may be depriving the person I love something that apparently matters a lot to him.

Much to my unease, I settled. “If you are really willing to risk everything we just discussed for this experience, let’s. But I don’t want to be responsible for the damages it might do to what we have if it doesn’t go right”.

He slapped a big fat “Let’s do it”.

That couldn’t feel right. Right?

I felt rather icky during the conversation and clouded with questions after. I was yet to swallow the fact that with all my reservations and laid out concerns he didn’t even flinch, rather decided to dive right into it. And he was ON. He had dating apps installed and profile bio composed. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a few pairs of new undies piled in his shopping cart. I was way behind, and he was so ahead in this game — I didn’t even know apps for threesomes existed at that time.

The Hurdle

Before I proceed I should mention that having a threesome with a guy instead of a girl was a big no-no, not because he never drove on that side of the road, but because he couldn’t accept me sexually engaging with another male.

Talk about equality, ladies. Even though I’m not “labels” kind of person, I’m pretty straight. Some people may say that I’m young and ask why I would stick with one ice cream flavour when there are so many other flavours to try. But if I know that I’m not a big banana fan, banana ice cream is not very likely to blow my mind — just like a million things in life we know we’re not into without having tried it.

I tried hard to keep it together and not burst his bubble. That didn’t stop tears running down my cheeks just like the time when I was ten years old and buried my first cat (rest in peace, Sabrina, you extraordinary witch-cat).

Later he thankfully noticed the huge shift in my mood. I took the opportunity to bring up the topic again, detailing all my concerns yet another time. This time he agreed that my worries were valid and said that he understands why I am unwilling to take the risks. But he was two and a half miles away from okay. It was apparent. Clouded with the guilt of letting him down, when I asked if he’s fine with where it stands, he responded — “I’ll manage”.

HUH?! “Manage”? What was that supposed to mean?

I curled up into my mind again, taken over with heartache and guilt yet again. When someone says that they’ll manage it doesn’t exactly broadcast the most positive vibes. To add to that, he didn’t stop saying how breezy and fun it could be and we would be the most adventurous couple to try it. After a series of his micro-monologues, I thought maybe I should quit being such a prude and give it yet another chance in my mind. I took a step back from my feelings and tried to find out how important to him this fantasy actually is.

“What if I said I will do it but it’s solely for you ’cause it’s just not my jam? Would you still consider it?”

He responded affirmative, because the idea is quite a turn-on for him, and took the opportunity to ask me yet again if I’d be willing to reconsider.

I caved this time.

“Alright, but I can’t promise that the day after this whole thing won’t be repulsive to me. I can’t promise that I won’t be hurt and that it won’t mess up our relationship.”

If the threesome was a startup and I was an investor I would think hard before sticking all my fortune in there after I hearing such a horrible elevator pitch. However, my investor in question, years into our serious relationship, did not have that cloud over his head and said “You’ll never know unless you try.” Absolutely true. I guess we should all try things that don’t sound like a good idea. Maybe they end up being great? I mean, leaking your sex tape on the internet sounds like a horrible idea but it may kick-start your pop-star career, right? (!)

It’s a gamble, after all, one far beyond trying anything that involves just two partners (excluding some extreme kinks). You either win a golden ticket to satisfaction heaven and unlock new sides of your partner that are all yours for the taking after the threesome is over or you make yourself or your partner feel very uncomfortable and live through an experience close to watching an orgy with your parents. Regardless, his mental erection was so hard that it slapped the life out of any and all concerns of how it could hurt what we had.

The Fall

What followed was almost a week of the same cycle — me failing to cope with the idea and dropping it, him being hurt, me asking if he will be fine with that, and him using that instant of my care for his feelings as an opportunity to resurrect the idea yet again. Eventually, I had to put my foot down that I just couldn’t put myself through this, and Operation Threesome was called off for good.

But it left its marks on my mind.

I was disgusted to the bone by the repeated boundary discussions and him acting confused or unconcerned about my limits. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see was my fiancé with another woman. Every moment of silence only reminded me that even though I kept bringing up concerns and showed my doubts he was still just as ready as always to execute the idea.

The last time I felt like I needed to communicate my feelings more strongly and we ended up arguing pretty badly. His main takeaway from that argument was that I should have been more clear about my feelings, that I should have said NO, that he thought that this is something I “secretly crave” and he wanted to do this for me.

Is this adding up for you somehow or am I just bad at math?

Even a middle-aged self-proclaimed player hitting on me with an uninvited hello at a gas station interprets disinterest just fine when I don’t say anything back. Yes, I never said the categorical no, but I thought the rule is inaction until consent is received and not action until hostile rejection.

How is it possible that if one suggests Korean food for dinner and the other says they’re not sure, Korean food is no longer mentioned; or when one wants to watch an action movie and another says they’re “not feeling action tonight”, that genre is no longer imposed. Yet, when it’s something as sensitive as engaging in an intimate act with an outsider to spice up a two-year-long relationship between two 20-somethings one has to put up a big billboard at the city center to get their point across? From where I was standing, everything I said was beyond a simple no. It included answers to why not as well.

We didn’t talk for an entire day after that argument, and with the help of the magical healing capabilities of time, we were soon able to put this behind us and move on.

Happily ever after?

Not quite.

I was recalling that conversation days and weeks after it happened. My moments with him when he visited me were shadowed by the memory that he was ready to risk destroying our relationship for a legitimized shot at enjoying two women at once, that he was negligent to my feelings enough to act naive and unaware of my pain, that he was selfish enough to sell me an idea I scrapped one too many times, that he was cunning enough to twist his narrative and convince me that the threesome was for my benefit.

If we lack things to try (that do not involve 3 or more people on our bed) after only 2+ years into the relationship, what would we have to come up with after ten years of marriage to keep it interesting? Would our lives turn into an episode of Easy, or scarily yet, Black Mirror?

The Curtain Call

Our relationship didn’t survive its challenges. I avoided the ex prefix for a spoiler-free reading, but you probably saw it coming.

He maintained his act of playing the victim and criminalizing me for his sacrifices and my unwillingness to make adjustments until and beyond our last day together. The story you just read will give you some idea of the nature of sacrifices and adjustments that were expected from me.

I wasn’t understood or appreciated. I wasn’t considered an equal. So when I say there were many good moments, I almost feel like I’m trying too hard to say “It wasn’t that bad”. But the truth is I was too empathetic, too trusting, too forgiving, and too guilt-ridden to see clearly that my thoughts and feelings had very small roles in that story.

The threesome feat wasn’t even the reason why our relationship ended, but it had all the colors to paint the picture of everything that was going wrong.

If you’ve read this far, I won’t undermine your intellect by outlining the many messages of this story. But for any connection you value in life, communicate, be honest to your feelings, make it a point to be understood, and don’t, kindly don’t treat it like Vegas.

relationships
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