My Big Bang Divorce

Humans are quick to blame someone else for something that went wrong. I learned a valuable lesson in life. It’s not my Ex husband’s fault that our marriage fell apart. It’s that saying, “Takes two to Tango”.

I was 32 when I met my husband Alex. He was five years younger than me and he was an undocumented worker living in New Jersey. He was Egyptian, born in Alexandria, Egypt. He was here on a vacation Visa. He was a large stocky built young man with cute dimples and wore glasses and I was attracted to him instantly. He was charming; he had me at hello. I didn’t care whatsoever of him not being a citizen. I just wanted to be with him and help him succeed. He had graduated medical school in Egypt and he wanted so much to be a doctor here in the United States. I wanted to be married and my age was getting up there and I thought I should be having kids; I was pressured by social norms. I was not thinking logically at the time. I had feelings of grandiosity because he was going to be a doctor here. In retrospect I know it was my insecurity that made me jump into this marriage prematurely. I know now that I had a fear of no one else marrying me, the fear of never finding the right person. I was an overweight pretty woman. I had great features but i was thinking back then it was hard for me to hold onto a relationship. Here comes Alex, this man, handsome, who was such a gentleman with me, not to mention cute as a teddy bear. He was overweight like me also. It was a match made in Heaven I thought to myself. He said all the right things, had a sexy accent and wanted to be with me. I remember him saying to me, “Where did you come from?” He was so happy to have met me and he thought I was so pretty. I thought he was a gift from god. I did not care what we needed to do; I just knew that we should be together. We eloped a few months later. My brother at the time was so against this. I was Italian and I was marrying an Egyptian who wasn’t even Christian or Catholic- he was Muslim. He never accepted my marriage to Alex. It was only 4 years after 9-11 and the climate on the east coast was bad towards Muslims. My brother did not want anyone to know of this. I was so angry with my brother for not being happy for me and embracing him. So the first few years were great, we eloped in the same town we met along the Jersey shore. We went thru the immigration process and he got his green card. I was so happy for us. We had money struggles and we wanted certain things like an apt and cars so the expenses started getting high. Then came the time that he needed to study for his medical boards so he can get a medical residency at a hospital somewhere. He then advised me that we could not have kids because of all our expenses and he needed to get his career established first and medical residency and he thought we could never handle it with kids. This is when I should of seen another red flag, the first was immigration process. I was so blind and in love with him by this time. He became irritated with me for not making enough money. He then did not do to well on his exams and no one was choosing him for any programs. From 2008 thru It was a struggle for him because he couldn’t take time off to study and his scores suffered. He started to compare me to his friends in the same medical field and their wives were able to have their husbands stay home for six months and they were able to get higher scores. This was very unfair to hear him take his frustrations out on me. I tried to hold on and support him in every way I could. But then a tragic thing happened. In May 2012, his mother died. This was a blow to him. I had just met her in the two years before. She came to stay with us for a few weeks. She was a wonderful woman. I was devastated by this. Alex had a goal of having his mother Sohir come live with us one day permanently. He also wanted his sister Heba come live with us too. This all came crashing down on both of us. He began to shut down. I found myself holding on for dear life. I did not know I was drowning. I kept trying to hold thing’s together but the harder I tried, the more he pushed me away. By 2015, a friend of his told him of a hospital internship in Brooklyn, Ny. He was later accepted for the internship. I was happy for him. I supported him in every way I could. Alex had a local job in town and convinced his boss to lay him off so that he could do this internship. It worked, he was getting unemployment and going to the internship everyday - 12 hr days plus commute. Alex had such high hopes of getting into a residency program with the help of this internship. I had my reservations - my experience with internships and volunteering is they promise you the moon for your service but there was no iron clad guarantee that they would give you a residency in the end. This was to last 6-12 months. Nevertheless this was his career and I wanted us to be happy again. As the months went by, the bills piled, the credit cards were maxed, and he started coming home exhausted. On a few nights too many I had forgotten to make dinner for him. I was so busy in my own little world and he was gone so much that I started to retreat to myself and I began not to make him a priority anymore. He started to become furious with me. I wasn’t taking care of the house nor him by this time. I remember him saying how he had seen some of his friends apartments in NYC and how much cleaner they were. In retrospect I know now he had been devaluing me and was not wanting to be married anymore. Then came the end of the internship- He was not chosen for a residency program and we were drowning in thousands of dollars of debt. As I look back at that time now, the only reason he came back home was because he was not chosen. So as I now look back, he went thru some bad karma of his own- probably bc he was such an asshole to me for so many years. Karma is a bitch. He had wanted to leave right away then. But because I was not awake and I was still trying to hold on to our marriage; I never saw what was about to happen in the worst five years to come of my life and marriage. It was 2016, my father had been ill and by April of that year, he passed away. I had to take family leave for 3 months to be with him in Florida. Alex had started working in the city and I had thought he would understand that I needed to be with my father. Once my dad passed away- Alex never came to the funeral, his excuse was he had to take care of the apt and work so we can survive. I thought nothing of it because I was too busy grieving. When I came back to Jersey- Alex was quick to tell me that I should have not been there that long. While I was away burying my dad. Alex was starting to file for divorce papers. He tells me he has to file bankruptcy and the lawyer said we make too much money and we have to show we are divorced. I was upset and crying. He tells me to try and save my own credit situation. He then tells me that he got a room in the city and to trust the plan because we are still married under god’s eyes and this is just for financial reasons only. He had to get the room because the commute is hard on him and expensive. He will come home as much as he can and we will meet up as much as we can. I asked him about sex and our intimacy. He soon started to tell me that he became impotent. He had put my back against the wall. I had this fear of losing him. I just lost my dad. I had a job I disliked going too. I was taking time off whenever I could. I never wanted to believe that he was slowly getting rid of me. In my head at that time I thought to myself, after all we had been through, he has to wake up and realize that our marriage was worth fighting for. I knew he had been thru a lot and so had I. We both lost our parents and our careers were a shambles. I struggled to stay optimistic, made excuses for him to all my friends, he just needs time to reflect. As the divorce became final and he started to come down less and less, my body was yearning physical attention. I took to the personal ads. I was in my 40’s and now divorced. My ex was still on my lease and giving me a fraction of the rent and I had to take on a second job to make ends meet. I started to rationalize in my head and to my close friends. I want to have sex and I don’t want to be alone like this anymore. It’s just not fair. So I kept the charade going with Alex, he was giving me money every month, calling me everyday and I would go meet him for dinner dates a couple times a month. He would still tell me he is impotent and I would not care at this point because all I needed from him was help with the apartment. I cared for him only because he wasn’t with anyone else and he continued to give me money and he was in touch with me on a daily basis. I had told myself if he wants the marriage back then I’ll stop the sex and act like nothing ever happened. I would take this secret to my grave. I was doing hook ups with younger men in their 30’s. I didn’t plan on men in their 30’s, it just happened to be the only men that I had any attraction too. I never found anyone my age I was attracted too at that time. I began to experience what I had been missing in the bedroom. The nights of ecstasy and the many compliments I was receiving. I started to get my self esteem back. I started to feel good about myself again. It became a drug. I had one or two men that I would see once a week and then I would have a few one night stands now and again because I was so horny all the time. One man was not enough and I was not ready for a relationship. I remember one night going to meet a stranger at a local beach hotel. He was finally a man closer to my age, in his 40’s. He was a handsome man named Christian from South America. Looking back, I was never afraid. I was so daring. I never had been like this my whole entire life. It was like I was in another person’s body. I felt young as if I was in my 20’s. It was so exciting. I met him at the lobby of the hotel. This was the first time I was doing a hotel encounter away from my home. Usually my hook ups would come to my place and they were young men and I would never think twice because I would be vetting them to know that they just wanted sex and they were harmless. We both walked to the room together. We walked in and I leaned against the end of the bed. he took off my shirt and started kissing my breasts. He took off my pants and underwear. He started to take off all his clothes. He laid me back on the bed, we never kissed. But he kissed my breasts going down my stomach and spreading my legs and then he began to kiss and lick the inside of my vagina. The way this man took his time inside me with his tongue was amazing. This man spent at least 30 minutes with his tongue in me. He was driving me mad in ecstasy. I never had this type of experience with anyone before in my life. Alex my husband never even wanted to even kiss me there, he would just use his fingers just enough to open my vagina and shove his penis in me. I have had my past hook ups lick me down there before but it was briefly just a few minutes during foreplay. Being with Christian was the best experience to date I had sexually. I nicknamed him the Deep sea diver- I only saw him once more after that because I didn’t want to get more involved with him bc he hardly spoke English and his sex was addictive and amazing. Today 3 years later, I find myself thinking of Christian now and again and wanting his tongue inside me again. No one has ever even come close to the way he made me feel. It’s now 2020, my ex Alex is still calling me and making sure I’m ok. There is talk of the virus breakout in the news, Alex comes down and stocks me up on toilet paper , water, cat food and litter. I have had a cat since he left in 2016, her name is Chloe and she loved seeing Alex. We both go out for breakfast at the local diner at that time and he talks of maybe coming home 2 days a week and sets up a computer on the desk we had. I was surprised but I was willing to have him come home. Alex still had all his belongings in our apartment. We still had a storage in town. So even though he was not living in our apartment anymore- we still kept the charade as if we were still together. Little did I know that this was just plan B for him if things went south for him just like internship. I did not choose to see what he was doing because I had a co -dependency disorder and insecurities like no other going on. Nevertheless, even though I had many encounters in these past few years I still wanted the security of Alex in my life and I didn’t want to live the way it was going. So I stopped seeing multiple men. I settled to just see this guy Mike, he was 31, and we had good chemistry. But it was on and off and we took a break after the holidays. As February approaches and the virus ramps up and shut downs begin to happen, Alex says he wasn’t approved with work at home yet. I go meet up at Mikes place this month and he had this beautiful townhouse north of me in the next county. I remember walking in there and it was such a spacious place, 10x better than my small apartment. He had been to my apartment on occasions to this point. This turned out to be a memorable experience as well. We start to kiss and make out on his nice couch. We decide to go upstairs to his bedroom. What a great master bedroom, also very spacious. His bed was so comfortable. We take off all our clothes. Mike likes the same routine with me. We like 69. I sit on his face for awhile as he licks me with his tongue going deep inside me and then I gradually go down on his penis. We satisfy each other for a half hour or so and then he lays on his back and has me ride his penis for awhile. Then he would shift me over to my knees and do me doggie style and his penis would pound me for at least a half hour. I remember thinking how can this man go this long, this is fucking amazing. I never had so many great orgasms. Mike was the latest man in my life and he has made me feel so good about my body sexually. He was a good looking man with a lot of stamina. This man would have sex with me multiple times and leave me so satisfied. I gave him a nickname -my Big Bang theory. He was a talented comic artist and writer. He managed his fathers waste management business. I wondered if the guy had mob ties because of the type of family business and he owns a truck and a $400k townhouse. But I was not worried of this, Its not like I was about to meet his parents. He was a 31 yr old bachelor living the best years of his life and he was just my booty call. March comes and still Alex is not coming home. The virus has all on shit down- I’m working at home and the job I have is getting harder than I thought and I lost my second job due to the virus breakout. Alex calls me still everyday to check on me. I had a couple one night stands here and there, I hadn’t seen Mike for awhile. April speeds on by, work sucks. I was in the mental health field in charge of setting people up with counseling and the phone calls were off the hook. May comes and I’m on a phone call with Alex one morning and he decided to break it to me gently that he wanted to date someone he had met in February and wanted my blessing. That’s when I just crashed and burned. I said wtf, you just told me you were about to come home and we were fixing things. He responds by saying I had always told you I wasn’t coming home. And then it hits between my eyes. The bastard was using me as plan B. Had this whole set up here just in case he crashed there. So I finally wake up and the first instinct I had while I was crying my eyes out is to get all his shit out of here. I went to our storage we had, took all my stuff out and bagged all his clothes. I bagged ten bags of his clothes that day and took them to the local Red Cross box and the dumpsters happened to be empty it took all 10 bags. I went back to storage and took all his legal paperwork out of our safe we had in there and kept them with me. A few days later, he calls in a panic about his papers. I tell him come down and take all your shit out of here and then I’ll give you your papers. I gathered all his furniture and family stuff and moved them to the patio. He comes down with his buddy and the cops. I was sitting in my car. I tell the cops I have his papers and that’s all his stuff on the patio and he needs to remove it all. The cops understand everything and make sure they get rid of all the stuff on the patio. I never see him again after that day. Alex was officially my ex husband and I was devastated. All the security I was holding on to was gone. I was forced to go thru what I was fearing- I had depended on him to be there for me. He had just signed the apartment lease again with me in February. I started to text him and tell him that he needs to help me with the apartment rent or I’m leaving this all and he would have to take care of it all. He begins to demand me to get him off the apartment lease. He states he will not help me until I remove him from the lease. I tell him to speak to the manager because I will not do that for him. He must have manipulated my apartment manager because before I knew it, he was off the lease. So I started a second job again and wanted to save the apartment. I refurnished the apartment the way I wanted. I started self therapy and educating myself on narcissism. I began to put all the puzzle pieces together. I realized he had an agenda for quite many years and my internal guidance system was showing me the red flags but I was not tuned in. I was so blind due to my fear insecurity and co dependency that I let him railroad me all the way. I had to wake up to the mere fact that this was all my doing. I didn’t love myself enough to stop this years ago. I began to listen to you tube videos on the law of attraction and how your inner being and god and the universe has your back and all you need to do is tune in tap in and be turned on to it. I began to understand that my vibration was at its lowest for so many years which caused Alex to stomp all over me. The saying, “how can you expect someone to love you if you don’t love yourself first? “. It all made sense now. Alex was not loving himself and I was not loving myself. This caused us to destroy each other. I just happened to be the one on the bottom first because I had the emotional attachment and he was able to break free because he had no emotional attachment. Alex was just using me as plan B until he had all his ducks in order a new woman replacement and new place to live. Once he had that in order and also I came to find out later he had a new higher paying job lined up too. This was a sucker punch I never saw coming and now I come to find out it’s all because I did not love myself for so many years. This doesn’t forgive Alex and the way he chose to take advantage of my heart. My hurt continued to bother me for months. I would be crying on and off for months. Listening to the videos educated me and listening to series of videos on law of attraction saved my life. I gradually became whole again. I got all caught up with my finances and saved my apartment. I saw Mike again after so many months in October - we met at a hotel. It was nice finally getting back to sex after many months of being depressed. After learning to be grateful and appreciate all that I still have and knowing my loved ones and friends were beside me this whole time. I now look forward to the rest of my life. I now look forward to finding my life just like Alex found his life away from me. He devastated me and no one ever hurt me like he did in my whole entire life. But I woke up one day and continued where I left off. My crying was finally done and over for a man who never loved me, I knew I had to pick myself up, brush it all off and love myself. I now love myself and love my experience here on earth. To appreciate what we have is amazing. I now know that I would have never known what it was to love myself without Alex leaving my life. It’s now the end of October 2020 and I met another man, and he lives in Staten Island and his name was also Mike. We start seeing each other every 2 weeks. He comes over that first night and he was so loving towards me. We are kissing each other and caressing each other. He is 34 years old has a young look, nice fit body. He starts to kiss me all over and I kiss him all over. The chemistry was amazing between us. He goes down on me with his tongue all over my vagina. It just felt perfect. He then starts kissing me on my ears and little did I know that this was like g- spot and made my body tingle all over. He then has his penis in me and just fucks me over and over. I gave this Mike the nickname of the best bed side manner I ever had. He is a sweet lover. He gives me multiple orgasms and keeps me missing him until he comes over again. We have been seeing each other for 8 months now. I feel so comfortable having sex with him and he leaves me satisfied and smiling every time. Although I don’t see him that much, he is so good to me when he is here. I also learned to be unconditional and let the universe work it out and I was still seeing my other Mike - my Big Bang theory now and again. Big Bang holds me over until I get to see my Best Bed side manner Mike again. Now that I’m loving myself more everyday, my sex has become amazing. I’m more relaxed and I’m starting a new job this July close to my apartment and my apartment is getting better everyday. I haven’t seen my Ex husband Alex in person in over a year. It was an adjustment from hearing from him everyday to zero all in one year. I assume he has no face now because I figured out all his lies and bullshit. I would say he would be foolish to ever come near me again if he wants to live longer. I learned that the only battle we have -is with ourselves. We cannot blame someone for taking advantage and hurting us. In the end, if we don’t love ourselves enough to set boundaries, demand respect- we can set ourselves up for disaster. We have to know that we deserve to be happy and that we are eternal and that we never end we just go from physical to non physical. Knowing that the body mind and soul becomes better and better as we progress; it’s the best feeling in the world. Let’s not forget that sex makes it a Big Bang life. 💋