Lunch Lady

Most everyone wants to fuck someone else's mother. That's just the way shit is. But, having someone's GRANDMA suck you off? Letting her withered, wattled, old (and presumably white) ass ride your face? Fondling her deflated, drooping dugs, her huge hairy nipples, between quivering, tweaking, turned-on thumb and forefinger? What kind of a sick fucking animal are you?

I don't like to picture men fucking women, so let's go lesbian here. We'll soon visualize a little mini-porno movie of the mind, okay? Now, let's slowly, (oh so slowly) begin.

As a connoisseur of sewer, there's nary a perverse taboo I won't touch--just so long as it isn't a felony. I mean, as a writer; as a researcher; as an explorer, in what that inimitable Cenobite Pinhead described as the "further reaches of experience." So, being the kind of guy that I am, I have, upon occasion, had the temerity to dip my damned toe in the murky merkin surrounding, like a thick, full-grown vaginal beard, the dim, troubled waters of internet FETISH PORN.

These skinny dip sessions often reveal, buried beneath the filthy ocean floor, nestled beneath layers of scum, a few odd insights into the human condition.

The appeal of watching April Showers go down on a sixty-five-year-old (or older) granny, slurping her big, hairy, sweaty, dripping old love-muffin is, of course, all in the idea of breaking TABOOS. At least, that's what I think.

The excitement is in seeing something, some horror show combination of bodies juxtaposed in a way that conventional society says is...kinda sick. Weird. Gross. Maybe even immoral, somehow, (because, goldurn it, everyone is just shitting their pants over the morality, or lack thereof, of hardcore triple x porno).

Every dude worth his endlessly horny high sperm count has a fantasy about some woman unattainable because of social position--the recently departed Eddie Van Halen's namesake band's paean to milf madness, "Hot for Teacher," makes us aware, on a level so intellectually and philosophically profound it almost boggles the mind just to contemplate that, when you're sitting in class, you're thinking of ass.

(And it may be that, as Mrs. Magruder walks up and down the line of desks, handing out papers, her massive, pillow-like titties hidden, in an inviting swell beneath her rayon blouse. you're fantasizing her taking you aside and informing you, in that high, dominant, supremely cunty way that older, professional women have, that, "You just haven't been...applying yourself, mister. You're not living up to your potential! You're going to have to stay...after class. For a little...special instruction.")

Let's just play make-believe for a moment. Shall we?

Mary Sue Rottencrotch is wiggling her mini-skirt adorned, cheerleading derriere through the line at Rydell High school cafeteria, having just turned legally EIGHTEEN (with records on file), and spies Melba Milford ladling out mashed potatoes with one hairy, pock-marked, cellulite-riddled old arm; varicose veins, need I say, traveling up and down Melba's mottled skin like lines on a road atlas. Her hairy, knobby, triple chins are dripping sweat into the beef gravy; but it is the huge, titanic swell of her undeniably droopy dugs that suddenly has Mary Sue so hot and bothered.

All of a sudden, that eighteen-year-old snatch is dripping sweet womanly fuck-nectar, thinking of those withered, salmon-colored lips, those delightful dentures diving deep within her young, inexperienced (but thoroughly bisexual) muff. Melba, like a dutiful dyke of delightful aspect, would teach the young lass how to slurp ass, how to ride face, how to be Granny's "good girl." Oh, yessum, Mary Sue soon departs from the lunch line, thoughts of Melba's huge, hairy, pale and wattled ass sending her into an erotic beyond that has her dive into the first restroom stall she can find, pull her miniskirt down around her ankles, and make Il Mano Cornuda over her sopping snatch, exploring her eager fuckhole with the two middle fingers of the stroking Beast.

In the stall next to her, Rhonda Bondo is loudly exploding from her crepitating asshole, leaving the bodily effluvia of toilet funk floating in the air like the ghost of a putrefying bowel; somehow, however, this adds to Mary Sue's intense Sapphic delirium, as she violently squirts girlish love liquid across her pale, beautiful, carved-from-Ivory-Soap knuckles. Her eyes roll back in her head, her heart pounds in her chest, and she shudders to an insatiable wet climax, thinking of the ancient, corpulent, withered, wasted body of the elderly Melba straddling her head like a decrepit delicacy.

"Fuck me, Melba. Oh, fuck me! Oh God, Granny, I'm coming! Jesus Christ, I'm fucking coming!"

And Melba would cup her delectable tiny teacup tits in her hands, and knead her tight cheerleader ass, and present a clitoris the color of roast beef, and says, "Yass, darlin' I know! You always were such a good girl. Now, come on, give Granny some snatch syrup right on her hairy old chin!"

***

Guys fucking milfs are so common in porn, and so multitudinous, and so easily-digestible and understandable a fetish (taboo poon), that it hardly merits a mention here. When I think of "granny porn," I'm thinking exclusively of girl-on-girl action: senior citizen snatch snacking, mature muff-diving; bitches and bitches only. Take my meaning?

There once was a site (I know of it from the residue uploaded to various porn tubes), called "OldNanny," which featured exclusive girl-on-girl content involving a young woman and a very old woman. A whole fetish site, in other words, for granny porno. The younger woman was perhaps early twenties. NO ONE in the granny porn demi monde seems to be especially hot. No matter. Granny herself often was grotesque to the point of nausea.

Grey hair. Liver spots. Drooping, deflated dugs. Huge hairy nipples. Wrinkles. Sagging skin. Bags under the eyes. Withered, fish-like lips. Come here, baby, let Granny give you a big, sloppy kiss!

"Oh Granny, what big teeth you have!"

"All the better to EAT you with, my dear!"

(You get the fucking picture.)

A simple Google search reveals a few internet hubs of granny-inspired lust. But, again: I'm trying to figure out what, beyond the taboo, might be the particular appeal for the porno-paying public. Huge, droopy tits? The idea that you must eat elderly snatch or be evicted? (Landlord fantasy.) Just what, pray tell?

Lesbian necrophilia?

Something else?

I'm the last guy on Earth that wants to let an article just sort of meander into confusion, but I find that the subject of "granny porn" is getting... old.

No pun.