Let's Talk About Sex

Let’s talk, about sex for a minute. I know, that’s a fast hard statement. Yet, I talk to so many couples where sex becomes a fight. Either the sex drive scale is out of whack or they simply are not getting what they want. Seems easy right? Not so much. What needs to happen first off, is a disconnect from what you have been taught. That’s right…TAUGHT. Weather it was from childhood observations, media, advertising, or even life, we simply need to retrain our brains.

Are you guilty of these negative thoughts or actions? Keep in mind this list goes for all genders and all combinations of couples.

• Don’t weaponize sex. There is no logical reason to withhold sex besides not in the mood, sick or actual reasons. If you withhold sex because you see it as a reward for your partner you are weaponizing sex.

• Don’t treat sex like a chore.

• Don’t reserve sex for special days.

• Understand sex never equals love. Only love can equal love.

• Don’t think sex (kink, swinging, open relationships) will fix your relationship. Sex is not a Band-Aid.

So how do we turn that around? What gives? Let’s, instead of looking at sex the way we do, let’s look at it this way… Sex needs to enhance our lives not detract from it. Simple news right? Well yes and no. A lot of people do not understand the pleasure of the act but, with pleasure comes great responsibility.

If the act of sex is the enhancement then how is it treated as so? Ask yourself these questions.

1. Do I know the way I like to be loved? (Hint, physical intimacy is not on this menu) So many people have talked about The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman that we may gloss over the idea. But the essence of this is, I speak English and my boyfriend is speaking Greek. No wonder, you never get love the way you want it. If you both spoke the same language then you both would be fulfilled. If you are curious about The 5 love languages please follow the link. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/5-love-languages/

2. They have sex with me that means they love me. Right? In all honesty, sex never equals love. Sex equals procreation, pleasure, stress relief, or fun. Sex can help create a dynamic (power exchange, kink, swinging). However only love can equal love. No amount of sex can say I love you. We need to break the two apart to have a healthy sexual identity and healthier relationships.

3. We are so busy, how do we have time for sex? The answer is simple we schedule it and create an environment where we want to have it. I know that the act of actually setting time aside for sex may seem strange but it’s no different than setting time aside to buy groceries or having a shower. Make the time for your partner, set up a play date.

4. Sex just doesn’t seem as good. Why is that? Remember back to when you were first dating? That time when everything was new. That is a great time our brains are creating chemicals that bond us, make us happy, and propel us to be intimate. So the answer is so easy… keep that moment alive. We have to keep dating our partners. Do all the little things, bring flowers, send love notes, send a naughty picture, and remember to back up your words. Ladies, you must also do the little things too. Remember to romance him as much as he does you. This will forever keep the relationship on a building path. Keep those feel-good hormones flowing.

Those questions I receive are the most asked. There are so many ways to rebuild that intimacy. It’s a fun and great opportunity if you’re open to the idea, it will allow for conversations and for the fun of sex to come into your life. What will always be is the need for communication and how to be effective in the communication you can use these simple activities to open up and truly converse.

• The 5 Game: randomly ask your partner 5 of their top things. Top 5 colors, foods, cartoons. Then your partner can counter. Don’t think this game is silly or weird. It can pass time while reconnecting and maybe bring a few laughs.

• The Date Night Jar: Create a jar of random activities, fun things on slips of paper. Put them in the jar and give it a shake. No more not doing anything because you can’t think of anything. Pull an idea out of the jar.

• Be in the Moment Exercise: This is a favorite of mine and it’s great to do right before sex or going to sleep for the night. Sit face to face, you can hold hands. Focus on breathing in rhythm. Inhale and exhale at the same time. Once you sync your breathing, look each other in the eyes, and just be in that moment. Hold this for at least 2 minutes. You would be surprised how intimate and opening this is.

• The 10 Second Kiss: No shortcuts here. No pecks on the cheek and no not kissing. Stop, hold each other and kiss, really kiss each other. Want to have more sex? This is what is known as the ‘Oh my’ move. Do this for 30 days whenever you leave each other and it will bring your relationships to new levels. It will also spark the intimacy and the fun.

If you do little things all the time you will find you will reconnect. However don’t forget to disconnect the negative voices and messages that we have and look at sex and your partner in a different light. You not only will grow together but grow as an individual. Remember the little things matter and love each other.