Learning to be Okay

I've been single for six years. Alone in the world wondering just how I would ever learn to trust someone enough again to ever develop an intimate relationship. I've been in some super shitty relationships that have left me wanting to spend more time becoming a born-again virgin or a celibate nun. Lord have mercy on a middle-aged woman's soul here.

Well, I had one horrible sexual encounter during those six years. With a man that blamed me for his inability to stay hard when I experienced an orgasm. No folks, he didn't even get himself off. Just completely lost interest because I had an orgasm. For a few months after, I really questioned what the hell had happened. Did I have something wrong with me? Never before had I experienced rejection, not just the loss of an erection but total physical rejection. He jumped away and turned his back on me like I had some disease. It was a very unique experience, to say the least.

Fast forward three years to now. I had been handling the situation myself for a long time. You know all women truly need is a boyfriend named Bob to take care of those urges that need handling. I might be middle-aged but I'm not dead yet either. I still want the release of tension that sex and orgasms bring. It's just easier not to have to deal with the actual emotion being behind the dick.

I recently moved, gave up my life's work to get away from a dead-end, abusive, toxic, and sexless relationship. Why stay when there's no actual gratification coming from someone you can't even tolerate to be in the same room with. A friend was checking in on me once in a while. A friend I knew has slept with many other women and self-proclaims that he won't settle down again anytime soon. Well, changes in my life weren't going well. I wasn't dealing with being trapped in an apartment after coming from remote, quiet country life. I literally begged this friend to let me go stay with him for a few days in exchange for some help on his new house.

There was cleaning to do. Rooms that needed painting. All to prepare for his daughter to move in with him. The issue was, there was only one bed. I'm not really a cuddly person in general, that is unless you like cuddling a cactus plant. With just that single bed, we made an agreement that I would stay in the same bed. We agreed that nothing would happen. I should be telling you that my intentions were never to actually sleep with him. I do know this man's reputation after all.

But... something really strange happened. I'm usually the hyper, crazy woman that doesn't sleep, hates being touched, and experiences nightly nightmares. Be damned if I was okay with him holding me all night long and I've never slept so well or been so damn comfortable with anyone. It was just natural and insanely neutral. I'm attracted to his humor and his kindness. He's actually really skinny for my taste in men. See, I'm not exactly small by any means because I really like food and hate exercise with a passion.

I didn't let my guard down. It wasn't ever up to begin with. He just walked right up, knocked, and I spread my legs wide open with zero shame. I experienced the weirdest orgasms of my life. They didn't peak rapidly, they just hit and flowed in wave after wave. I also need to admit that afterwards, I literally burst into laughter that I couldn't stop either.

The sexless woman just fucked the man-whore. There's something in that I find hysterical. But, you know what, I did learn something. Calm is super sexy. The lack of demands or expectations was actually freeing. I would easily become a willing participant again and again. Not his style. Not at all. Yet, here I sit typing this because he confused me. The over sexed guy is having a difficult time handling any of this. Not me, him.

I'm actually okay with a "friends with benefits and no expectations of anything more" type of relationship. He's not. He's freaked out and has expressed that he is. Apparently, the born again virgin has some life left in her after all. It's amusing to me how detached I am and he's fighting the attachment. Could I get attached? Phew, that's an understated question. Hell, yes.

I'd be willing to offer myself up on a silver platter to this man. His sexual appetite aside, he's a genuinely good guy. He may have met his match when it comes to actual sex drive though. What many don't realize is that even when a woman doesn't have a man, she can still satisfy all of her own needs and desires for the most part.

Sure, the D is very different than silicone. Sure, the hands and mouth added are damn amazing too. But the orgasms can still happen. Multiples are too with the right stimulation. It's just different with a man holding your breast in his hand, as he pulls your hair, and breaths on the side of your neck. Seriously don't think I'd need a man to even move if he'd just take the time to do that on the regular. That's as sexy to me as a stripe tease. Complete mush in your hands if you do that.

I have missed good sex. It was amazing. No tears, no emotional bullshit. Just great sex between two people that shouldn't ever be having sex to begin with. At the end of the day, I learned a few key things. Sex doesn't have to be emotional to be pleasurable. It can still be just as fun, as intense, and as fantastic with someone you trust. By trust, I mean someone you know won't hurt you.

There's a certain freedom in that. The freedom of lost inhibitions, lost need to hold back yourself in general, and truthfully a lot of the awkward creepiness of a stranger. Ultimately, a friend with benefits is the ideal "break out of your shell person" because they already know you and your habits. They know some of your hang-ups and concerns. It's just a different type of dynamic.