Kyle Has Ruined My Life

So the other day, I was just cruising Twitter, minding my own business, and I stumble across this:

Kyle. What. Have. You. Done?

I cannot BELIEVE. THIS. SHIT. I can't believe I have been lied to to the point that I actually believed that the female orgasm is a legitimate sensation. They say that if you tell yourself a lie enough times, it becomes the absolute truth in your mind. I guess this is the epitome of that theory. My mind is completely blown. Holy fuck, Kyle. What fresh hell have you unleashed on the world??

I cannot believe I was lied to in my psychology class my senior year of high school. How DARE that textbook include a chapter explaining how the female and male orgasms work in explicit detail?? How dare they mislead me like that? The only valid piece of sex education I ever received, and it was all smoke and mirrors. I was a young, impressionable girl, and I feel taken advantage of by that book. If I remembered the title of it, I would write a strongly worded email to the textbook company and then burn it. That is so appalling. Color me shocked.

Kyle, you mean to tell me that I've been giving myself MYTHS for nine years? My world is absolutely fucking shattered. This news is catastrophic. I cannot believe that the entire sex toy industry is a scam. Dildos? No. Vibrators? Absolutely not. SHOWER NOZZLES? No fucking way. I'm floored. I'm devastated. It's all bullshit. All of it. I'm so devastated. The hours put in by myself and the 92 percent of other women who masturbate completely wasted on giving ourselves a sensation completely fabricated by own tiny woman brains? Hours? Probably years, actually. I could have a medical degree if not for all that wasted time. I could have been using that time to discover the cure for AIDS, or to become a professional crossfitter, or more importantly, finding myself a husband and having three kids at the ripe old age of 25. BUT NO. I didn't get to because I was convinced by society that I was feeling an orgasm, but clearly I was not. Sex therapy? Who needs it? It's clearly unnecessary. This is why 60 percent of marriages fail. False expectations.

Kyle, you've actually opened my eyes to this problem. I mean, shit, I guess I have way more time to clean my apartment and learn how to make a fucking soufflé with all this extra time I have accumulated. My boyfriend? He's gonna have to put in SO MUCH LESS WORK NOW. He's gonna be fucking THRILLED now that he knows that he doesn't have to put any effort into "satisfying" me, since women literally cannot be satisfied. This is SUCH AMAZING NEWS for every man in the world. You guys no longer have to be worried that you're a gigantic fucking disappointment who doesn't know where the clitoris is. Clitoris? Useless organ. Just keep aimlessly thrusting into us with no consideration for our pleasure, since, y'know, we won't feel any anyway, and because most of you are already used to doing that.

This does make me a bit concerned for my health, Kyle. If they aren't "orgasms," then what exactly am I experiencing? Seizures? Grey's Anatomy taught me that hallucinations can be an indication of a brain tumor. AM I DYING, KYLE? YOU ARE A MEDICAL EXPERT. YOU NEED TO TELL ME IF I'M DYING. I'm scared, Kyle. I need you. I need you to crack this code for me.

My world is shattered. It's a cruel world full of soul-crushing news. I honestly do not know how to handle this eye-opening news.