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Kink Basics for Beginners

Creating Safe Scenes and Healthy Dynamics

By Evie DahlPublished 2 years ago 13 min read
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Kink Basics for Beginners
Photo by Bianca Berg on Unsplash

We live in a world that is forever expanding its horizons. Things that were once horribly taboo are finding their place in mainstream society. Books like Fifty Shades of Grey brought the world of BDSM and kinky play onto the bedside tables of housewives, mothers, and even grandmothers. Mainstream artists like Rihanna, Christina Aguilera, and Lady Gaga brought forth images of leather and kink in their music videos, thrilling the imagination of these women who had otherwise not considered venturing into that side of themselves. I would know; upon the release of the Fifty Shades series, I was working at a sex shop in a small city. Women who would otherwise stare straight ahead as they walked by were walking into my shop with blushing faces, carrying their favorite chapters to buy new toys to introduce to their partners. It became so frequent, we even introduced a specialty Fifty Shades of Grey-themed wall.

The Positive Impact of Fifty Shades

While anyone who is a kink veteran knows the downfalls of the series, there is an upside to the Fifty Shades series. With the normalization of the kink scene, us kinksters were able to step out of the shadows, ball gags, floggers, and all, and welcome a whole new crowd of people into our world. People began to feel more comfortable exploring their darker desires. Instead of being met with horror if they spoke to their friends of their partner putting a butt plug in their rear, they were met with tittering shock and delight. Those who had always been curious to try naughty things like spanking and submission finally had a window to bring it up with their partner; it wasn't wrong or weird, it was curiosity about a phenomenon that was taking over modern media. If you were already in the scene, you were no longer some delinquent (I mean, mostly *wink wink*), you were now the most fascinating leading expert in your social circle. People couldn't wait to pick your brain for all the salacious details you were willing to divulge.

The Negative Impact of Fifty Shades

While it's a wonderful thing that the kink world blew its doors open, we also saw potential dangers skyrocket. For one, consent became even more important to discuss. Second, too many people were going into scenes with no education and just a base idea of what they wanted because they'd read a chapter or saw a scene in a porno. Discussion with their partner was minimal, and their knowledge of safe limits was, well, limited. Knowing the safety precautions needed is crucial to prevent lasting injury, loss of function, or worse of all, potential death.

Beyond this, it encouraged a faction of Doms who, frankly, should never have become Doms. These Dominants are unknowledgeable in the scene, and power-hungry, expecting complete and total submission from the ones they partner with. While a significantly large percentage of these Doms are men, there are still women that are guilty of dominating their partners in this fashion. The concept of consent is lost on these Doms, limits are just a test to see how far they can push their submissive, and safewords are the goal, not the way of maintaining a safe and consensual scene.

Consent in the Kink World

Looking at the Fifty Shades series, there were so many things wrong with the portrayal of the BDSM community. This goes beyond shoddy writing and editing, although that alone is its own set of issues. Not only did it start with literal stalking and coercion, but at several points, the leading female withdrew consent, said "No" in no uncertain terms. Instead of respecting and honoring her withdrawal of consent, the leading male just continued anyway because he's the Dom, so he must know best. This is such a horribly harmful narrative. This is one of the biggest issues we see in inexperienced kinksters. There is this expectation of the Dom having complete and utter control; if you've chosen to submit, then you must take it. I can't make this any more clear. If you've chosen to submit, you are still allowed to withdraw consent. If you are a Dom to a sub who has withdrawn consent, you must heed that withdrawal. Being the Dominant does not entitle you to total power. Being a submissive does not mean that you have no control over what is done to you. The key component in any dom/sub relationship (or general sexual relationship, for that matter) is a foundation of trust, respect, and communication. Without those things, the entire dynamic can crumble into a potentially dangerous situation.

Discuss Your Kinks and Expectations

If you're going to safely engage in kink play, it is crucial that there is a number of discussions had before you ever step into a scene with your partner. Knowing what your mutual interests are can make for a better experience, and knowing what to avoid helps to prevent the crossing of boundaries that can take a scene from enjoyable and frisky to traumatizing and potentially abusive. Have a discussion with your partner about the limits you need to set. If you don't trust your partner to not cross your boundaries and limits, do not get into a scene with them; these actions without consent are abuse. If your partner brings up a specific thing they'd like to try that makes you unsure or uncomfortable, discuss it. While it can be beneficial to try things that you're not always sure about, you should never push yourself or your partner into something that truly makes anyone feel uncomfortable. This can not only begin to fall into abuse territory, but can build resentments in the relationship.

For a lot of people who are venturing into the realm of kink and fetish for the first time, they're making the move with a partner who may be just as inexperienced as they are. This is okay, as long as there is healthy discussion beforehand. Do your research, and take the time to really discuss what it is that draws you to certain types of scenes. It can be helpful to watch videos together of the things you want to experiment with, but keep in mind that pornography isn't always realistic. If you find a video that does more or less depict what you'd like to try, be certain to look into the potential safety concerns. Always make sure that any equipment being used is being used safely and is sanitary, and that at no point are you or your partner at risk of serious injury.

By Deon Black on Unsplash

Safety is Key

As a Dom, it is your job to ensure the safety of the person that is submitting to you. This means doing your due diligence in learning how to keep your sub safe. If you're engaging in rope play, do you have shears to quickly release them if a rope slips out of place or is knotted incorrectly? Do you know how to tie them so that you don't risk damaging mobility or hindering blood flow? If your sub is being choked, do you know where to place your hand so that you don't damage their trachea? If you're involved in impact play, do you know where is and isn't safe to hit? It is the responsibility of both parties to know their safe limits, and how to engage in potentially dangerous play safely.

Especially when restraint is involved, it is crucial to know how to quickly release someone who is in crisis. This could be a physical crisis, just as it could be an emotional one. Emotional safety is just as important in the BDSM community as physical safety. While this isn't the case 100% of the time, many kinks or fetishes are born from taking back control from trauma, repression, oppression, or abuse. If there is a point where someone in the scene goes into an emotional decline, both parties should be prepared to comfort and console the person experiencing emptotional distress.

Never Go Into a Scene Angry

Nothing makes me cringe more than hearing a Dom say that they're going to take out their anger on their submissive. Yes, brats exist, and they are very effective at pushing every button a Dom may have. The goal is often to frustrate and torment the Dom into what is endearingly known as "funishment". However, no matter the buttons that are pushed, nobody should be going into a scene angry, with the intent to take out that anger on the submissive. This isn't to say a Dom shouldn't be forceful, or that there is anything wrong with those who enjoy sadism and masochism. As mentioned, brats will often get on their Doms nerves just for the sake of making for a more vigorous session or scene when it comes time to be "funished". The issue here stems from the fact that, if you are coming into a scene with anger in your intents, you're no longer in safe limits for the situation. You are likely to hit harder, or be more aggressive, and less likely to be paying proper attention to certain cues or positions. By going into a scene with anger, or the intent to harm, the line of consensual punishment is likely to be crossed from consent and into the territory of abusive treatment.

Check-ins and Safewords

Something that absolutely makes my skin crawl to hear is "I'm going to make you safeword." If someone is going into a scene with the intent of making the submissive safeword, they are not caring for their submissive. A safeword is in place for a reason; maintaining safe play. Throughout a scene, there should be regular check-ins to make sure the submissive is secure, safe, and comfortable. Having a dominant who is actively attempting to make their submissive safeword means they are actively pushing boundaries and limits, and have little to no respect for the word 'no'. Not a great quality to have in a dominant who is supposed to be in a position of trust and respect.

A great safeword system to use is the stoplight; green light is the obvious all clear, everyone is comfortable and feels safe. Yellow light is the need for adjustment. Maybe something doesn't feel like it's in place, or something is starting to hurt in the wrong way and needs to be adjusted. A red light signal means everything needs to stop. Something is not okay, a boundary has been crossed, or something hurts too severely. If your partner, no matter if Dom or sub, has experienced some form of trauma that could be potentially triggered by a scene, it also helps to have a trauma trigger safeword. For myself, it's simply "black", from the fact that if a trigger is too intense, it may make me blackout.

It is important to keep safewords recognizable, and easy to say. Some prtners use the word "no" in scenes to add to the rush, meaning they need to recognize a word that actually means no. It may sound cute or funny to use a word like "Snuffleupagus" or "Grandma's Panties" as a safe word, but you need to consider what your state of mind will be when you have to use it. "Red" is a lot easier to remember, say, and respond to than the mouthful that is "Grandma's Panties". Even through certain types of gags, a muffled "red" or "yellow" can be understood. In the event of gags or masks that prevent speech, having a system of movements or finger snaps to signal as a safeword cue is necessary.

Consent Applies to Punishment, Too.

Another misconception in the kink world is that a sub doesn't get a say in their punishment. Sure, a punishment isn't meant to be pleasant. But there is a limit that needs to be enforced. Just like with everything else in the BDSM community, punishments should be discussed well beforehand, and should be agreed and decided on to some extent before it's ever needed. If you cannot stand being spanked, or if you're terrified of a particular thing or action, it isn't okay for a Dom to be using those things against you. Some subs do great with punishment spent kneeling on rice in the corner of the room, some don't. Punishment should be tailored to the sub, and should still maintain healthy boundaries and care for their physical and emotional wellbeing. If a punishment is out of your limits, a safeword is perfectly acceptable to come into play.

It's best to keep in mind that things can change over time. If a submissive can no longer tolerate a certain punishment, or if they don't like the way a certain Dom delivers certain punishments, the submissive is entitled to say "No, I will not do that/I will not accept that punishment." There are always other forms of punishment that can be doled out. As long as there is respect between the Dominant and submissive, punishment can be achieved within the limits.

"Normal Sex Doesn't Need Aftercare!"

There is nothing more embarrassing to me than hearing a vanilla couple talking about how they don't need aftercare. After all, us kinksters are all sadistic delinquents, right? We're clearly just trying to recreate our trauma so that we can build up even more trauma, and that must be why the kink community is so aware of aftercare and its importance. Please note the severe level of sarcasm here.

Even if you're not in the kink community, have you never gotten your partner a glass of water after sex? Have you never gotten them a towel, asked them how they felt about the sex that was had, never cuddled them up in a comforting manner? Aftercare isn't just tending to bruises and wounds. When we talk about aftercare, it goes in both directions; a sub still provides a Dom with aftercare by making sure that they're comfortable, that they didn't cross one of their own limits in trying to please their sub. They can get them water, a snack, or a back rub to help them come out of the scene. A Dom might care for any injuries, hold their sub and make sure that they enjoyed themselves, help to run a bath so that the sub can come out of subspace in a safe and secure environment. All of this applies whether you're enjoying some feisty, kinky sex, or if you've had a vanilla romp in the sheets with your partner in missionary.

Final Thoughts

No matter what your specific kink is, how long you've been in the scene, or how long you've been with your partner, trust, respect, and communication are the most important things you need when stepping into the kink scene. You should never have to worry about telling your partner no, nor should you go into a scene not knowing what you can handle. Take the time to maintain a safe, secure environment for yourself and your partner, discuss safewords, aftercare, and limits. There is nothing better than knowing you can fully let your walls down with a partner you can trust with your limits, boundaries, and kinks.

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About the Creator

Evie Dahl

Welcome to the one place where I write whatever I want.

I am a writer for a living, fulfilling other people's requests. When I write for Vocal, I write for me. There's no consistent topic, so pull up a seat and explore with me!

~ Evie

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