Jealousy: Overcoming and Understanding

All relationships can be made happy if you know-how. Let's look at some of the right skills to find a clear understanding of what makes them work, sometimes it seems so far away when jealousy is in the mix. It is absolutely no surprise when jealousy becomes an obstacle to having a satisfying healthy relationship. By identifying sometimes quite complex underlying emotions better present with jealousy, we can discover its cause and effectively devise a positive plan to take jealousy's power away.

I've talked about it before; jealousy is one of the only emotions that is triggered by fear of something else. Jealousy is really about fear. Maybe it's the fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of scarcity. Is it fear of abandonment, fear of loss, losing power and control? These are all potential underlying causes of jealousy.

It's not surprising that everybody experiences jealousy at some time or another throughout their life. On the rare occasion, you can find somebody who might be more emotionally evolved that goes against societal conditioning. Society encourages jealousy a sense of ownership and possession of intimate partners. If you are not pathologically in touch with your feelings, you can experience jealousy.

Jealousy is a base emotion yet is also considered a complex emotion because it relies on other emotions to gain traction. What triggers jealousy in one person may not trigger it in others. Some common simple emotions or base emotions that can trigger a jealous episode towards another person could be anger, sadness, betrayal, inadequacy, envy, hurt, depression even exclusion.

What we are taught in society and our family, by media and peers is that jealousy is acceptable. Have you ever been told or thought of any of these situations?

1. If my partner really loved me, they wouldn't want anybody else.

2. If my partner is happy with me, I would be enough.

3. If I was good enough my partner wouldn't cheat.

4. It's not possible to love more than one person at a time.

5. I won't ever find love except here.

Unresolved insecurities in yourself can leave your feelings of being the unlovable, belief that you got lucky, if you do this it will give them freedom, I'm inadequate. Exceptionally high is the feeling of not being in control.

Unresolved insecurities in the relationship itself can cause jealousy and ultimately resentment. Jealousy can cause trust issues based on cheating, untruthfulness, a lack of courage to be honest. Jealousy can cause skepticism and a lack of willingness to participate in the relationship. Sexual dissatisfaction or denial can also be a trigger to insecurity. Exploring boundaries such as swinging or kink, perhaps even polyamory might have a strong trigger and reaction resulting in jealousy. But remember jealousy is rooted and other reasons.

In the next few paragraphs, we're going to explore the four most common kinds of jealousy and we may also dive into some of the causes of each of the four common types:

Possessive jealousy. This one speaks almost for itself. Our culture and our society are based on monogamy or one partner. It is because of this learned behavior that we are possessive of our partners that we see them only for us. The hard truth to understanding how jealousy impacts the possessive type is that it can impact platonic friendship, family relationships, and professional work environments. Possessive jealousy is coined the green-eyed monster and is characterized when the relationship is commitment without trust. This type of jealousy can be seen in phrases like, “you are mine” or “if I ever catch you...”

Exclusion jealousy. Exclusion is vastly more reflective of Poly or multiple partner relationships. It's when a partner has other interests that does not include the primary partner. It can often be triggered when one feels they're being left out. This type of jealousy can happen in a monogamist relationship when friendships or family are seen as put above the person, simply because that person may not have value for your choices. Typically, one partner that experiences exclusion jealousy will feel the need to be always included in all activities regardless of what they are. You can often hear the phrase attached to exclusion jealousy as, “how come you have all the fun.”

Competition jealousy. In competition jealousy, the jealous person compares themselves to another. It could be another love, an ex, or friendship and a jealous person is convinced that they are inadequate. It can result in hostile and aggressive behaviors. Competition jealousy is a triggered response to fear that their relationship is no longer special. Implications of this fear is a need to be the most special or perhaps concerned about losing their place. There is a constant need for reassurance in competition jealousy, but the reassurance is usually only temporary a calm to the storm. a typical phrase you might hear from a competition jealousy partner is, “you think I'm not good enough?” or “So what I'm nothing.”

Fear jealousy. This is the most basic part of jealousy, yet it can be its own type. Typically spawned by irrational fears that the partner may leave or leave them for someone else. The fear jealous partner imagined fear-based jealousy often overlooked rational opinions because it is not rational. Rejection and loneliness and scarcity hang on because they're afraid to be alone. fear-based jealousy partner might say “what if you find someone better,” or” this will never work.”

If you are the one experiencing jealousy here are some key elements that can help you overcome the emotion. The number one principle that I say repeatedly is to do your part to ensure your relationship is healthy. Make sure you are a competent communicator. Do not expect relationships to be healthy and happy while failing to prioritize resolution of issues especially ones that involve trust, depression, and guilt.

Avoid leaping into action when you have been triggered into a jealous response. That would look like you are storming out of the room, yelling, or getting in your car and tearing out of the driveway. Wait until you calm down and with rational thought determine what was the trigger before approaching the topic with your partner. Remember access to support networks are very important in helping cope with emotions. A support network could be partners, friends, other like-minded individuals, or therapists.

Temper tantrums, guilt trips, and martyrdom all make things worse. The goal is always to become comfortable, cheerful, excepting in a place your partner wants to come to. Boundaries whether big or small need to be accepted, expected, and trusted. Remember, all these behaviors will have ripple-like effects and affect you and your partner outside of the relationship. It could have consequences for work, school, or family relationships as well.

Remember to also be cautious of actions that are negative to the relationship such as blaming, shaming, yelling, or name-calling. None of these behaviors welcome a strong relationship. Identifying your emotions that are being felt under the circumstances as they happen is your key to identifying the issue of jealousy. Sometimes it helps to journal the emotions.

In summing up what jealousy is it could be said,” jealousy is all the fun you think they had” Erica Jong. What that really means is that jealousy is a personal feeling. No one person can make you feel anything. You choose your own feelings, behaviors, and actions. Often times that is a hard pill to swallow inevitably forcing you to accept responsibility for your own feelings and emotions. Taking responsibility for your actions and your behavior is another level. At the end of the day, there should never be shame in having a feeling, even jealousy. The hardest part about overcoming jealousy is growing as a person and relying on support networks outside of yourself. Asking for help from family friends or even therapists is sometimes hard to do but highly recommended when dealing which complex emotions, behaviors, and the impact on a partner or family. Remember resources are invaluable.

If you like this article or others I've written please like, share, or tip to help in research in writing future articles. Stay safe, have fun, and be kinky my friends!

Extra Resources that come highly recommended.

The Ethical Slut 2nd Edition: a practical guide to polyamory, open relationships, and other adventures by Debbie Easton and Janet Hardy

The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships by Kathy Labriola.